The Dragon Brat
by Dilly-Oh
Summary: Can Prince Callum, his adorable little brother Prince Ezran, and the Elf girl Rayla rescue the Dragon Brat and save the realm from the brink of war? Probably not! That won't stop them from trying, though. Together they embark on a perilous journey to return the Dragon Brat to its mother and prevent the imminent war, encountering dangerous foes, bad jokes, and sheer stupidity.
1. Episode 1: Echoes of Blunder

Author's Note: Hello, everyone! I'm Dilly-Oh, and I like to parody things I enjoy (Frozen, Escaflowne, Blood+, and Blue Exorcist, to name a few). I'm weird like that. So after watching The Dragon Prince on Netflix and thinking of a bunch of dumb/funny stuff, here we are! I will be parodying the entire series, completely re-writing the episodes to be incredibly stupid and funny, one episode at a time. There will be no set release date for new chapters, I will simply update when I have time, so please be patient. Otherwise, enjoy!

The Dragon Brat

Episode 1

Echoes of Blunder

 _Long ago, Xadia was one land, rich in magic and wonder…but then the Fire Nation launched an attack that- wait, what? Wrong show, sorry._

 _*Ahem.*_

 _In the old times, there were only the six primal sources of magic: the sun…the moon…the stars…earth, fire, water- dammit I'm doing it again, aren't I? Okay, hold on, where was I…moon, stars, right, then the sky, and the ocean…_

 _But you guys see what I'm talking about, right? I mean, seriously, come on._

 _One_ _thousand years ago, a Human mage discovered new magic from a seventh source…dark magic. It used the magical essence within magical creatures themselves to unleash dark power – without even ASKING first. Horrified, the Elves and Dragons put a stop to the madness. While a simple 'dude, knock it off' would have sufficed, they instead issued restraining orders on the entirety of the Human race and kicked out every last one, sending them west. The continent was divided in two, as per the divorce agreement, becoming the Earth Kingdom, Fire Nation, Water Tribe and why do I keep DOING that? I'm sorry, I swear I'll stop. Anyway. To the east were the magical lands of Xadia. To the west, the boring as shit Human kingdoms._

 _For centuries the King of the Dragons himself defended the border. The Humans called him Thunder, for when he fart- er…I mean…SPOKE…he shook the sky. Yes. That's how he got the name. Definitely from his voice, not farting or anything silly like that._

 _However, on the eve of last Winter's Turn, the Humans used unspeakable dark magic to slay Thunder. They also destroyed his only egg, his heir... the Dragon Brat. Not even a deeply heartfelt 'my bad' could mend this terrible atrocity._

 _Now the world stands on the edge of all out war, but I truly believe Aang can save us all- son of a BITCH I did it again! Forget it, I give up!_

-Present Day-

Rain fell heavily on a darkened castle, beating a steady rhythm on the stone ramparts as thunder boomed in the black clouds above. Lines of lighting crackled across the sky like grasping fingers. In one of the rooms inside the castle, a young boy with wild hair and freckles lay in bed, snoring away. He clutched a spotted toad-like creature to his chest, which joined in with snores of its own.

Further inside the room, an older boy with brown hair and a red scarf was sitting bent over a desk, drawing by candlelight.

"Ugh, _why_ can't I get her left titty right-"

* _Crack-BOOM_!*

" _AAAAAAAAA_!" The younger boy sat up in bed, instantly awake and screaming bloody murder.

"Ezran, STOP," the older boy called without looking up. "It's just a thunderstorm. And definitely not the monster that lives under your bed I told you about last night. Now go back to sleep." He paused. "Before the monster really does come."

" _AAAAAAA_ \- Oh." Ezran blinked. "Sorry, Callum. I thought Bait was farting me awake again." He hugged the toad-thing tighter. Bait opened its eyes and glowed in response, illuminating the room with a soft, warm light.

"Wouldn't be the first time," Callum muttered. "He's supposed to be your nightlight, _not_ your alarm clock."

"What're you drawing? More naked ladies?"

" _No_!" Callum said quickly, then threw his sketches in the fire to destroy the evidence. "…It helps me practice anatomy-"

"Whatever." Ezran lay back down, wriggling deeper under the blankets. "Can you tuck me back into bed?"

"Ugh, fine." Callum rolled his eyes and stood. "One little brother burrito, coming up-"

"And kiss Bait good night!"

"Ew, no. I'm not kissing him again, Ez."

"Why not?" Ezran looked up at him with pleading eyes.

"Because the last time I did I got warts all over my mouth and everyone thought I had herpes for like a month. I'm _not_ doing it." Now Bait also had pleading eyes. It even batted its lashes a little. Callum groaned. "Okay FINE let's compromise. I'll _blow_ him a kiss."

"Deal!"

-Meanwhile-

Deep in the castle's surrounding forest, a lone armored guard was on patrol, slogging through the mud. Soaked from the driving rain, the guard halted, glanced around, then unzipped his pants and began to relieve himself.

* _Snap_!*

The guard gasped at the sudden sound and whirled about.

"Who's there?!" he cried aloud. "Declare yourself, in the name of King Harrow!"

"Dude, your _dick's_ still out," a voice called from the trees.

"It is? Oh, jeez, sorry." He hurriedly composed himself, then stood blinking in the rain. "…It's that size because it's cold-"

A crack of lightning illuminated a group of cloaked figures standing in the shadows. The guard gasped again.

"Oh you poor people! You must be _soaked_ from the rain! Come on over and we'll have you by the fire drinking hot chocolate before you know it! Hurry now, you never know what kind of thieves or murderers could be in these woods-"

One of the figures lifted a pair of twin daggers that gleamed in the dark.

"Oh good, you brought protection with you! That was smart. You should always be prepared-"

"Oh my God someone kill him already!"

The Elf with the twin daggers sprang forward, cape flaring open to reveal sleek green clothing. Her eyes flashed dangerously. The guard finally realized his life was in danger, screamed, slipped in his pee-puddle, and ran. The female Elf gave chase, leaping up into the trees and easily hopping from branch to branch after him. After several minutes of pursuit, the guard ran straight into a tree and went sprawling helplessly in the mud. The Elf landed gracefully in front of him and approached, knives out.

"Alright, you caught me!" the guard cried, glaring up at his pursuer in defiance. She leaned closer, her blades grazing his neck- "Go on, beautiful Elf maiden! Do it! Have your _wicked way_ with me-"

"Wait WHAT." The Elf froze over him.

"Go ahead, ravish me! I am yours to plunder! Claim me as-"

"Uh, no, no thank you, I really don't want to-"

"Use your knives to cut off my clothes, tie me up and gag me like a _bad boy_ -"

"Okay, you know what?" She held up her daggers. "You…you can just _leave_. Like right now. _Go_. I don't even _want_ to kill you anymore just _go_."

"Are…are you sure?" The guard stared up at her, looking slightly disappointed. "We can use a safe word-"

"YES I'm sure just GO."

"Well…all right. You don't have to kink-shame me." He slowly picked himself up, wiped the mud off his chest-plate as best he could, and started to walk away. He disappeared behind a tree, then popped his head back around. "Are you SURE-"

"YES! _LEAVE_!"

The guard finally left, muttering under his breath.

"Yeah I'm not cut out for this shit," the Elf girl sighed.

-Back at the Castle-

Dawn was breaking, the storm subsiding as the sun peeked above the horizon. In another of the castle's rooms, a middle-aged man with a graying beard stood in his plush quarters before a golden mirror, straightening his black and grey suit. He stared at his reflection, reaching out to caress the strange runic symbols around the edge, noticed a zit and tried to pop it, then slowly swiveled in place to check out his butt-

* _BAM BAM BAM_!*

"High Mage Viren! I have urgent news!" The man jumped in surprise, hurriedly grabbing a cloth and throwing it over the mirror before answering the door. The guard from the previous night stood there, mud-spattered and panting for breath. "It's an emergency!"

"My God, man! Hurry, tell me!" Viren cried. "…But first how does my butt look in these pants?" He turned around so the guard could see better.

"Uh…kinda _wide_ ," the guard admitted. "Maybe it's the shoes?"

"Dammit, you're right." Viren frowned down at his feet. "I'll have to change."

"I'll help you pick out an outfit! This is obviously more urgent than the assassins that have infiltrated our kingdom!"

"Thank you, man. I appreciate your THE WHAT NOW."

-Later-

High Mage Viren hurried along the castle's many corridors, silver staff in hand. He approached a large set of extravagant double doors flanked by guards.

"My Lord, King Harrow hasn't yet woken-"

Viren shut him up with a quick jab to the dick with his staff, then barged past as the guard crumpled to the floor. He marched into the room, stomping past the luxurious canopy bed and yanking opening the thick curtains, letting in the light. There was a groan from the bed as King Harrow, a handsome man with dreadlocks and a short beard, lifted his head.

"Viren…what have I said about you being in my bedroom this early?" he asked, glaring through his dreadlocks.

"…That it's weird and creepy and not to do it again or you'd throw me in the dungeon?" Viren said after a pause.

"Mm- _hmm_." The King waited expectantly.

"I brought you coffee."

"I forgive you." Harrow sighed, sitting up.

Viren smiled, then screamed as a beautiful black and green bird suddenly dive-bombed him, screeching and going for the eyes.

"He, however, does not."

-Later-

The two men met out on a balcony in the early morning sun. The King shuffled out into the sunlight, wearing a fuzzy bathrobe and bunny slippers, his parrot perched on his shoulder. He took a sip of coffee from a 'World's Best King' mug and scowled at the other man.

"Alright, Viren. What couldn't wait a full eight hours-"

"Assassins."

Harrow spat his coffee out right into Viren's face.

"Well, MY morning is ruined," he grunted.

"As is mine," Viren muttered, wiping his face. "A scout on patrol discovered them just before dawn."

"How did the guard escape?"

"He claims to have seduced the assassin, though I find that highly unlikely considering he's a _three_ at best," Viren sniffed.

"Viren," Harrow said evenly, "I _told_ you not to rank the soldiers. It's mean and demoralizing." He took another sip of coffee. "I'm at least a nine, right?"

"Highness, if we could get back to the assassins-"

"Wait, wait, wait, why would anyone even want to kill ME?" Harrow asked in confusion. Viren gave him a blank stare.

"…Because we led an unprovoked attack against Xadia, slew their blessed Dragon and slaughtered its' defenseless Dragon egg?"

"Naw, I bet it's something else." The King's brow wrinkled as he rubbed his chin in thought. "Maybe I have too many parking tickets on my carriage or something-"

"King Harrow!"

"Okay, okay!" Harrow raised his hands in surrender. "What's the big deal, though? They're just assassins. It's nothing we haven't seen before." An arrow suddenly shot through the air and pierced the wall right next to him. Without reacting, Harrow took another sip of coffee. "…See it happens all the time. Perfectly normal."

"You don't understand," Viren went on vehemently. "These are _Moonshadow Elves._ They'llbe strongest with the full moon-"

"That sounds…awfully _familiar_ -" Harrow cut in.

"Oh, I'm sure it's not, your Highness."

"No I _swear_ I've heard it before-"

" _No you haven't it's totally new and original and never been used before-_ " Viren stopped himself and cleared his throat. "Anyway. As you can see, we're in quite a dilemma, considering we have a full moon tonight."

"No family fun game night?" the King asked anxiously. "I was gonna _crush_ the boys at Scrabble-"

"With the Elves at the height of their power," Viren went on, deadly serious, " _nothing_ will stand against them. Tell me, my King…what are you thinking?"

"I'm thinking…" Harrow thought for a long moment, " _tacos_."

"…What?"

"I'm choosing my last supper. If I'm gonna die, I might as well go out with a full stomach, you know?"

"What- but- tacos- are you _crazy_?!"

"Yeah, you're right. We just had Mexican. I should choose something else. Waffles, maybe. Yeah, waffles."

"Will you quit with the _food_?!" Viren exploded in exasperation. "Look, we'll just have to find the assassins _today_ , in the light of the sun, _before_ they attack!"

"Yes, good idea!" King Harrow beamed and clapped him on the shoulder. "You take care of that. I'll be busy with…other things." He turned as Viren walked away, pointing at a nearby guard. "You there! Fetch me the cook! We have many important matters to discuss."

-Back in the Woods-

The lone Elf girl leapt through the trees, slowly making her way back to her comrades. She landed on the ground with light feet and pulled back her hood, revealing elegant black horns and white hair. Frowning, she took out her knives, guilt roiling in her gut as she recalled her failure from the night before.

Sighing to herself, she glanced up and caught sight of a bush filled with ripe red berries. She gasped aloud, her eyes lighting up.

"That's _it_!"

-Moments Later-

The Elf girl sat in the bush, happily chewing a mouthful of berries, the red juice spattered over her face.

" _Mmm_ , that hits the spot- _WAITAMINUTE_."

She froze, glanced down at her conspicuously clean knives, then back up again at the now empty branches. She swore and stood up to go find more berries.

-At the Elf Camp-

The group of Elf assassins had set up camp in a small clearing deep in the forest, pitching up their tents in a circle. They sat around, checking armor and tending their weapons. A couple sat in the back, toasting marshmallows over a fire, and another pair were painting their nails camouflage. One Elf with long hair pulled back in a ponytail over his twisting horns and a medallion sat on a rock, waiting. The lone Elf girl stepped out of the trees and approached the group. Her knives were out and glistened with red liquid.

"Well done, Rayla," the Elf said, nodding at her in approval. She nodded back and tried to slither on by. "Hold it."

Rayla jerked to a halt, breaking into a cold sweat.

"Yes, Runaan?" she replied, as coolly as possible.

"Why is your _mouth_ covered in blood as well?"

"I ate his heart out," Rayla blurted before she could stop herself. Runaan raised an eyebrow at her. "…Yeah it was probably a bad idea, I got a little carried away. First blood, you know." She shrugged helplessly.

"And why does his blood smell…sweet?"

"...He…had the diabetes?"

"Disgusting humans." Runaan wrinkled his nose in distaste. "Too many Twinkies, I'll bet."

"Haha, yeah, oh my God, they're so gross," Rayla laughed more loudly than necessary, then quickly hurried away through the camp, avoiding eye contact before anyone could ask any more questions.

-At the Castle-

The citizens of the castle had begun their daily lives, walking the streets and chatting amiably. In one house, a hefty baker was busy cooking fruit tarts in an old stone oven, laying out the pastries to cool on a nearby table. As he turned his back, Prince Ezran scuttled out of a vent and began shoving pastries down his shirt.

"HEY!" Ezran froze, the baker suddenly looming over him. "You again?! Quit stealing my shit, kid! I'm gonna go bankrupt!"

"I'm not stealing!" Ezran protested, his face a picture of innocence despite his bulging shirt. "I'm…pregnant!" Bait suddenly plopped out the bottom of his shirt, landing at his feet. Ezran threw his arms up. "It's a boy! I'm a _mom_!"

"I'm serious, kid. I'm in the damn hole. I'm gonna lose the bakery at this rate." The baker glared down at him impassively. Ezran stood there for several more moments, then grabbed a double handful of tarts, shoved them down his pants, snatched up Bait, and darted back into the vent.

The baker sat down and started crying into his apron.

-Elsewhere in the Castle-

In an empty courtyard, Callum was preparing to train with the help of an older boy with side-swept blond hair and silver armor. Other guards and soldiers milled about the edges of the area, watching with amusement.

"Alright, Prince," the older boy said, "today we will be practicing the art of swordplay. I'll give you lessons that will allow you to become a master swordsman."

"Really, Soren?" Callum asked hopefully.

"No, actually, I'll just be smacking you around with this here sword and humiliating you in front of everyone." Soren cheerfully held up a wooden sword and smiled.

"Sounds about right," Callum sighed, then yelped as the sword cracked him between the eyes.

"You're dead."

"You haven't even given me my sword!"

"Oh. Right. Sorry." Soren handed over the practice blade, then cracked him between the eyes again. "You're dead."

"You're not even _teaching_ me!"

"Okay, FINE. Stand up straight, sword at the ready." He waited until Callum was in position, then whipped his sword out and smacked Callum's to the other side of the courtyard where it pierced a straw dummy's crotch. "You're dead."

"That counts, right?" Callum asked, pointing at the dummy.

" _Please_ ," Soren scoffed. "Remember last week? You're the only guy I know who lost a match against a straw dummy."

"...It _cheated_."

"HOW-"

"It knew my weakness to hay fever and used it against me! _Clearly_ it had prior knowledge and therefore an unfair advantage!"

"Uh huh. Let's continue." Soren smacked him in the gut. "You're dead." The head. "Dead!" The heart. "Dead again." The knees. "Horribly crippled for life so that every moment is sheer agony and you pray for the sweet release of death-"

"Kinda praying for it now," Callum grumbled, knowing he'd be black and blue the next morning. "Hey, wait. What if I was wearing armor?"

"Let's be realistic. If you were wearing armor, you'd probably just flop right over from the dead weight."

"…Yeah okay you have a point." Callum let out a despairing sigh. "Dammit, I'm terrible at this! Why do I have to practice swordplay?"

"Because that's what's expected of a step-Prince," Soren explained patiently. "…Also because the comedy show is good for morale." He gestured over his shoulder, where the other watching guards cheered and waved their popcorn.

Just then, a lovely young woman with long, dark hair to match her long, dark dress went walking by, completely engrossed in a book. She didn't even notice the tree she was in danger of walking into.

"Hey, Soren! Your sister is about to walk into that!" Callum whispered fiercely. "You should say something!"

"Claudia!" Soren cupped his hands around his mouth. "Walk faster!"

"That's _not_ what I meant- hey, Claudia! Watch out!"

"Huh?" Claudia blinked and looked up, finding herself face-to-face with the tree. "Whoa! Don't you get fresh me with!" She smiled over her shoulder and waved. "Thanks, Callum!" Then she turned, tripped over a horse trough, and hit the water with a loud smack. She immediately came spluttering up, her wet hair plastered over her face.

"Yeah, thanks, Callum!" Soren doubled over, snorting with laughter.

Claudia wrung out her hair and sat down on a nearby bench, returning to her sodden book. Callum stared at her with puppy-dog eyes, which Soren was quick to notice.

"Ew, really? Ugh, fine, I'll help you impress her. Go ahead, hit me!" He held still, arms out. Callum seized his chance and lunged forward, his blade swinging down. It struck Soren's chest, bounced off, and popped right back up into Callum's left eye.

"...Okay wow that _was_ pretty impressive," Soren admitted.

"Nice, Callum!" Claudia called encouragingly. "Last time you got _two_ black eyes! That's _definitely_ an improvement!"

"Alright that sweet embrace of death thing is sounding pretty good right about now-"

"Prince Callum." A woman in a robe suddenly appeared. "The King wishes to speak with you."

"Oh thank GOD." Callum eagerly turned to go.

"Okay, wait, he needs a Hall Pass," Soren said. He dumped a saddle with the words 'Hall Pass' scribbled on it into Callum's arms. "Don't lose it. The only other one we have is an actual horse."

-In the Throne Room-

King Harrow, now dressed in Kingly red garb and golden circlet, stood in the throne room, gathered around a large table with his advisors. On it was a model of the kingdom, complete with a castle, miniature soldiers, and the surrounding landscape. There was a knock from the tall double doors and the two Princes poked their heads in.

"Uh, you wanted to see us?" Callum asked hesitantly. Ezran shoved past him, Bait in his arms.

"Dad! What did you- Hey! So that's where my Legos went!"

"Boys!" Harrow boomed cheerfully, turning and holding his arms out to greet them. " _Great_ news. You two are grounded."

"What?!" the Princes said together.

"For, like, a month. At the Banther Lodge."

" _WHAT_?!"

"We didn't even DO anything!" Callum protested.

"Someone _put_ those tarts in my pants-" Ezran stopped himself. "I mean…what he said."

"Plus, it's spring," Callum went on. "That's the winter lodge. What'll we even _do_ there?"

"Think about what you did," Harrow answered sternly. "Now go get packed."

" _Fine_ ," Ezran said, glaring up at his father. "But I'm _taking_ my Legos." He stepped up to the table and started disassembling the castle.

"No, that took me _hours_!" the King wailed in protest.

The pair were quickly booted out of the throne room and stood in the hallway, looking at each other in confusion.

"Why is he sending us away?" Ezran wondered aloud. "Usually when he grounds us we just get sent to our room. Something's wrong."

"Oh, calm down, Ez. I'm sure everything's gonna be just _fine_ ," Callum told him.

"…I'll remember you said that," Ezran whispered, narrowing his eyes at him dangerously. Callum gulped. "Race you there!"

"You're so weird- hey no fair!" He sprinted down the hallway after him.

-Meanwhile-

Lord Viren shoved Soren and Claudia into his chambers, furtively glancing up and down the hallway before following them inside and slamming the door.

"Whoa! What's going on, Dad?" Soren asked, confused.

"Are we in trouble?" Claudia paused. "Is this about the clogged toilets-"

"I have terrible news- wait what did you do to the _toilets_?" Viren gave his daughter a sharp look. She broke into a sweat.

"…Nothing they weren't designed for."

"Listen, you two. We have…" Viren searched for the right word, "… _uninvited guests_ -"

"When will these Girl Scouts LEARN?" Soren cried heatedly, drawing his blade.

"Let me get some cookies, first!" Claudia protested.

" _Moonshadow Elves are coming to kill the King_!" Viren burst out in exasperation. His children froze in shock.

"…So no cookies, then?" Claudia asked after a moment, voice thick with disappointment. Her father just looked at her. "I mean, oh no, the King!"

"What are we going to do?" Soren slowly re-sheathed his blade, frowning.

"They've set up a secret camp somewhere in the forest," Viren went on, facing his son. "I want _you_ to find it."

"I gotchu, fam." Soren smirked confidently. "I'm a Hide and Seek _champion_! Me and the guards play it all the time!"

"Don't call me 'fam'." Viren turned and picked up an elegantly engraved wooden box, handing it to his son. "Use the giant moon moth in this box to find the Moonshadow Elves. They draw power from the moon. The moth will lead you right to them."

"…Well where's the fun in _that_ -"

"SOREN."

"Sorry." Soren paused, thinking. "So…what happens if I _can't_ find them?"

"I'll ban you from working out," Viren said bluntly. Soren screamed.

"My abs!"

"Enough! Just get out there and find them before sundown!" Viren began shoving his son towards the exit. "And use _discretion_. We don't want to cause a panic."

"Don't worry, Dad!" Soren winked as he opened the door. "Discretion is my middle name! Oh hey Cal sorry about your Dad-"

"What about my Dad?" Callum asked, standing awkwardly in the hallway.

" _Dammit_ , Soren!"

"Once the moon rises, the Moonshadow Elves will be unstoppable," Claudia mused to herself as Viren shooed the boys away and slammed the door shut. "You can count on me, Dad! I'll find a way to stop them from killing the King-"

"Excuse me what about Moonshadow Elves killing the King?" Callum asked, poking his head into the room.

" _Dammit_ , Claudia!"

-Later-

Soren and his search team of a half dozen armored guards bustled about a courtyard, busily readying their horses for departure. They were sure to pack only the essentials, like weapons, toilet paper, and snacks.

"Wait!" a voice called from behind the group. Soren turned to find Callum standing there, dressed in an oversized suit of rusty armor. "I'm coming with you guys."

"…Did you get your father to sign your permission slip for the field trip?" Soren asked after a moment.

"You don't have to be a dick about it-"

"Oh no I'm perfectly serious, everyone has to have one." Soren pointed at the other men, who all waved their slips in the air. "Also, that's ceremonial armor, it's a hundred years old and probably full of spiders."

"What're you-" Callum cut off in a scream as spiders began crawling out the armpits.

"Told you."

"I don't care! I'm coming with you guys!"

"No way, Callum." Soren pulled out an apple and took a bite. "You're just a kid."

"I'm not a kid, I'll be fifteen soon!" Callum glanced at the horse beside him, sizing it up. "…Okay I'm gonna need someone to give me a boost and then maybe hold my hand until I'm on good-"

Soren choked mid-swallow.

"Anyway," Callum grunted out, finally clambering onto the horse, "Harrow is my King and father. It's my sworn duty to protect him." He sat up tall and proud for several seconds, then slowly slid off sideways and hit the ground with a loud CLANK.

"And there's the starting bell!" Soren cried, tossing his apple aside and swinging up onto his mount. The guards followed suit, and together they galloped out of the gate and into the woods.

"...Is this mud or horse poop I landed in?" Callum asked after a beat.

"Do you _really_ want to know?" a stablehand asked.

"...Yeah on second thought-"

"It's poop."

"WHY WOULD YOU _TELL_ ME-"

-With the Elves-

Deep in the forest, the Moonshadow Elves stood in a football huddle, heads together as Runaan gave them a pre-game pep-talk.

"Alright, team, the Humans got us good in the first half, I won't lie, what with taking out our best player, Thunder, King of Dragons, but we're gonna pull it together and get them in the second half. We've got our replacement…"

"Put me in, coach!" Rayla said excitedly. "I'm ready!"

"…and we're gonna go out there and do our best, everyone's a winner here, no matter what the scoreboard says. Now let's bring it in." The Elves all placed their hands in the middle of the circle. Runaan took out a silken white string and tied it around his arms, then looped it around everyone's wrists. "Xadia on three, one, two, three!"

"XADIA!" They all cried together.

"Now let's get out there and WIN this thing!" Runaan drew a knife and slashed the rope, cutting himself and the others free. The white string tightened into bracelets around the Elves' wrists, glowing with power for an instant. Everyone cheered and ran off.

"Hey, Runaan?" Rayla asked, fidgeting nervously as she inched up besides him. "I was wondering…what if…say…the Humans _knew_ we were coming?"

"Well, then we'd _lose_ , obviously…"

"Okay, that's not so-"

"OUR LIVES." Runaan stared at her. "What do you think this is, some kind of _game_?" He scoffed.

"…Of course not."

"Hey, you're looking pretty pale there, Rayla. Make sure you hydrate before we go. Here's some Gatorade. Replenish those electrolytes."

-Back at the Castle-

Ezran was happily munching on some tarts as he moved around his bedroom, packing for the trip. He glanced around the floor, searching for something.

"Dang it, I can't find my socks! Where are they?" He snatched up Bait and used the Glow Toad as a makeshift flashlight to peer under furniture. He paused as he found an old stash of tarts under the bureau. "…How long has _that_ been there?" A rat crawled out of the bag. "…He can have it."

The door banged open as Callum barged in, having shed the ceremonial armor. Ezran sat up and wrinkled his nose.

"Why do you smell like poop? Did you forget to wipe-"

"Hurry and get packed, Ez! We have to leave soon." He grabbed his own bag, which was strangely heavy. Frowning, he glanced inside. "Okay WHY is my bag filled with jelly tarts?"

"Because I needed room in mine for the Legos," Ezran explained patiently. Callum sighed.

" _That baker is going to go bankrupt_ \- PLEASE tell me you didn't put tarts in ALL of my packs."

"Not that one," Ezran pointed at another bag in the corner.

"Okay, then-"

"I put Bait's litter-box in it."

"DAMMIT, Ezran!" Callum shouted, his voice ringing through the room. He threw the pack down. "Don't you get it?! They're just getting rid of us because someone's coming to kill the King!"

Ezran sat very still for a long moment, staring at Callum with wide eyes. Then he stood up and stomped into his own part of the room, slamming the connecting door shut.

"Ez-" Callum began, then stopped when the door suddenly opened again. Ezran stomped back into the room, picked up Bait, and stomped back out. Callum waited a moment. After a few seconds, the door opened once again and Ezran came back out, grabbed one of the packs with tarts, and dragged it into his room. The door slammed shut again.

"…Are…are you done?" Callum called out uncertainly. "Is that it, or did you forget something else?"

The door opened again. Ezran stomped back over and kicked Callum in the shin, then nodded decisively.

" _Now_ I'm done."

Then he stomped back into his room and slammed the door a final time.

-In the Woods-

The group of mounted guards trotted through the forest, Soren at the front.

"I DO _NOT_ CONDONE CHEATING," he said aloud. "I take my Hide and Seek very seriously, I just want you all to know that." He pulled the wooden box out and opened it, releasing a large golden moth with green wings. "Olly olly oxen-free!" he cried, flinging the moth into the air. It fluttered in place for a moment, then shot forward, intent on something. Soren snapped the reins of his horse and kicked it into high gear, the men following behind.

Close by, the group of Elves were back in camp, preparing for the coming assault. The moon moth suddenly darted into the group and latched onto Rayla's face, her screams muffled but its huge wings. Runaan's eyes went wide and he gasped aloud.

"Oh my GOD!" He paused. "…What a beautiful moth! Rayla, hold still! I'll take a picture for your Instagram-"

" _Mmmmph_!"

"Yes, yes, I'll get your good side, hold still while I- WAITAMINUTE. We've been _compromised_!" Runaan snatched up a flyswatter, then realized it was already too late. He quickly crushed his medallion and scattered the dust about, chanting a magic word.

The group of guards burst into the clearing moments after, reigning their steeds to a halt. Soren spotted the moth on a nearby tree, but otherwise, the clearing they entered was empty, no Elves in sight.

"Well, guys," Soren sighed, throwing his hands up in defeat, "we've tried ONE thing and it didn't work! Better give up and head home!" He paused. "But first who's up for a _real_ game of Hide and Seek?" The guards cheered as they turned and rode away. The last in line hesitated and looked back at the trees one final time. It was the guard from the night before.

"Why are my nipples hard?" he muttered aloud, turning his horse to follow the others.

The sounds of the men faded off into the forest. Suddenly the trees in the clearing shifted and warped, turning back into Elves.

"I've got a squirrel in my ass!" one Elf complained. Another hawked and spat out a mouthful of pinecones.

"You _lied_ to me!" Runaan snarled, whirling around to glare at Rayla.

"I couldn't kill him!" she cried. "I had my knife to his throat, and then-"

"You just cost us the game!" Runaan growled at her. "Now we'll have to forfeit-"

"That's not a big-"

"OUR _LIVES_!" he finished. Everyone glared at her.

Rayla stood there, searching for the words to show the depths of her regret and sorrow for her actions.

"…My bad."

And then the moth smacked her in the face again.

-End Episode 1-


	2. Episode 2: What is Dumb

The Dragon Brat

Episode Two

What is Dumb

The sun's brilliant rays blazed down on a lush, open forest, the day already halfway gone. Two Elves crouched high in the treetops, peering at a distant castle perched atop a cliff.

"They'll be on the lookout now that they know our game plan," Runaan said quietly, "thanks to a certain _SOMEONE_. I'm not naming names, but RAYLA is definitely in the penalty box as of right now."

"I _said_ 'my bad'," Rayla muttered to herself, sitting beneath their tree. "You're not still angry, are you?" A snarling raccoon suddenly dropped into her lap. She shrieked and threw it off. " _AAAAAAAAA_ \- yup, still angry. God, get over it."

A piercing whistle rang down from the trees, and a yellow card fluttered down in front of her.

"You just earned yourself another five minutes!" Runaan snapped from above.

"Oh, come ON!" Rayla huffed and glanced up at the rest of the group of Elf assassins. They sat around the camp, preparing their weapons for the coming night. They all pointedly ignored her. She cleared her throat and turned to the one sitting closest to her.

"Hey, uh…can I borrow your whetstone?" she asked politely.

"Don't have one," the Elf answered with crisp bluntness. Rayla blinked.

"…Yes, you do. You're holding it in your hand."

The Elf stared at her, and maintaining eye contact, whipped it over their shoulder into the woods.

"Don't. Have one."

"…Nevermind." Sighing, Rayla got to her feet and approached another Elf. "Excuse me? Can I have the toilet paper? I need to go."

Not even looking up, the Elf simply tossed the roll into the fire. Rayla blinked again.

"…That's fine I'll just use some leaves."

"There's some nice ones over here," one Elf said helpfully, pointing at a nearby bush.

"Hey, thanks," Rayla said as she walked over, "that's really nice of you. Everyone's being a real-" The bush was poison ivy. "OKAY WHAT THE HELL YOU GUYS-"

"Rayla." Runaan and the other Elf jumped down from the branches, joining the rest of the group. "I need to talk to you," he said, taking her aside.

"Okay, but first I really _do_ need to go-"

"Really? You can't hold it?" Runaan raised an eyebrow dubiously. "On a scale of 1 to 10 how bad is-"

" _Diarrhea_."

"Okay go."

" _Too many berries_ -"

"You don't need to explain just GO-"

"It's gonna BURN-"

" _GOOOOOOOOOO_ -"

-Back at the Castle-

Prince Callum stood in his shared bedroom, knocking tentatively on the door blocking off his brother's side, his shoulders slumped in defeat.

"Ez, I'm sorry for snapping at you," he called out. "I'm sure Dad will be fine. I'm sure _everything's_ gonna be fine." He paused for a moment, but received no reply. "Okay, so, anyway, I'm gonna go get some books on how to cope with loss and grief- _I mean_ …uh," he cleared his throat, "I'll…get you Harry Potter- NO HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD GODAMMIT-" He paused and tried again. "You know, on second thought, I'll grab a movie for you, like The Lion King- FUCK THAT'S EVEN WORSE-" He stopped for a long moment. "…I'm just gonna go."

He quickly left the room before he could make things worse.

-With the Elves-

Back in the forest, Runaan stood in a copse of trees, tapping his foot impatiently as he waited. Finally Rayla emerged from the brush and jogged up to him, panting.

"Okay, no one go _near_ that bush-"

"Rayla, I'm benching you."

" _What_?!" She gaped at him in disbelief. "No! You can't do that! I'm the star player! You can't win this without me! I had Frosted Flakes and everything-"

"You're just not ready for this," Runaan went on over her. "I thought you were, but I was wrong. You've certainly got skill, but you hesitate at the crucial moment before you score-"

"It won't happen again!"

"You're still just a child. Your heart isn't _hard_ enough to do what it takes to win."

"Yes it is! Watch this!" Rayla pointed off into the woods. "I'll go murder something with my bare hands right now!" She spun on her heel and marched away. Runaan sighed and waited. Several moments later, Rayla came marching back, her eyes flashing triumphantly. She held up her spattered hands. "You see?! I have returned victorious from my slaughter-"

"Blood is _not_ blue."

"Okay, you got me, I found more berries." She paused to lick her fingers.

" _Why would you eat more_ -"

"Look, I know I screwed up, so let me _fix_ it!"

"No," Runaan said, his voice firm. He pointed at a nearby rock. "You are going to sit here and think about what you did, young lady. I want a five-hundred word essay explaining exactly what you did wrong by the time we get back."

"…Can't I get a pillow or something I'm still a little sore from the diarrhea-"

"SIT and THINK!"

Rayla slumped down on the rock and sulked as Runaan strode away, leaving her alone. She sat there quietly for a good five seconds, then stood up.

"'Kay. Thought about it. Still think _you're_ wrong and _I'm_ right." She turned and dashed off into the trees. A few seconds later, she came dashing back the other way. Another few seconds and she returned to the rock, scowling. "…Forgot which was the castle is."

-In the Castle Library-

Callum wandered amongst the towering stacks of the castle library, a multi-leveled, brightly lit room with thousands of books lining the walls. As he trailed along, one particularly large book slipped off the shelf and fell, bonking him on the head. Scowling, Callum rubbed the bruise and glared down at the tome, then gasped as it flipped opened by itself, the pages turning with a soft whisper.

"What in the-" Suddenly the book flew up and smacked him in the face, then came back, hitting him in the stomach, tripping him, and smacking him to the ground.

" _SHIT SHIT SHIT_ -" Claudia bolted out from behind one of the stacks and seized the book, struggling to get it under control. "Sorry! Haven't quite mastered that one yet."

"That was YOU? Oh, then it's fine. At least my black eyes are even now." Callum sat up, wincing. "How'd you do it?"

"It's just a simple Wind Breath Rune! Check it out! _Aspiro_!" Claudia held up a deep blue orb, wrote a glowing rune in the air with one hand, then belched aloud. The blast of wind blew Callum's hair back from his face.

"Amazing!" He smiled. "That was magic?"

"What? Oh, no, I just had a big lunch." Claudia patted her chest and burped again. "A whole jar of peanut butter. Anyway, this is a Primal Stone." She held out the orb for Callum to examine. "It uses magical energy from one of the six primal sources. Inside is an _actual_ storm, with wind and lightning and everything." She paused. "You gotta watch out for the static electricity, though. One time I walked across a rug wearing wool socks and almost killed Soren. It was _hilarious_. Dad almost bust a nut laughing."

"Wow, that's so cool!" Callum's expression turned wistful. "You're so lucky you get to learn magic."

"Well, you get to be a practice dummy for my bro- _learn sword fighting_." Claudia quickly corrected herself.

"I'd switch with you in a heartbeat."

"Hah!" She snorted aloud. "Bet we _could_ switch places. You'd probably fit my dress and everything."

"Okay, you can stop-"

"No, no, really. You could _totally_ pull it off with your willowy frame, lack of shoulders, and complete absence of masculinity- WAIT A SEC!" She gasped, her eyes lighting up with excitement. "That's it! _SWITCH_!" A loud gust of wind suddenly blew through the room, reverberating off the walls and ringing in Callum's ears.

"...Please tell me that was magic," he said in a small voice.

" _Nooooo_ ," Claudia whispered, then moon-walked away.

"...Why am I still attracted to her?"

-Elsewhere in the Castle-

King Harrow stood in a quiet room, gazing solemnly out the window at the castle grounds below. Viren suddenly materialized from the shadows like a wraith and approached noiselessly from behind.

"My King-"

"GAH!" Harrow jerked violently, whirled around, and socked him in the throat. Viren doubled over, coughing. "Oh shit! You scared the hell out of me, Viren. I thought you were one of the assassins." He frowned. "Wait how did you even _find_ me, I snuck off to find a secluded corner for a good cry-"

"I'm…afraid we couldn't find the Elves, my King," Viren got out. "Sundown is only hours away. Soren says he and his men will be back…after one more round of Hide and Seek."

"Perfectly acceptable," Harrow stated, nodding. "However, it won't be enough." He blew out a long sigh. "I've accepted that tonight…I may lose…"

"Don't talk that way, you can't give up yet-"

"…at Scrabble," Harrow went on. "Callum is a walking thesaurus, and Ezran just makes up nonsense words, but I can't even get _mad_ without being an _asshole_ -"

"Claudia and I are still searching for a… _creative solution_ ," Viren interrupted, getting him back on track. "We're trying black-" King Harrow gave him a look. "...DARK magic."

"Nice save." Harrow's face suddenly tightened with anger. "I've spent years going along with your 'creative solutions' and where has it gotten me?"

"…About to be assassinated?"

"Exactly. Now get the fuck out. I need that ugly cry."

Viren quickly left the room, closing the door behind him as the wailing started. Claudia came dashing up to her father, panting hard and wildly flailing her arms like a headless chicken. He stared at her, utterly flabbergasted.

"…Okay, are you trying to tell me something or are you having a stroke?" Viren finally broke in. "I really can't tell-"

"It means..." Claudia trailed off mid-sentence, narrowing her eyes in concentration. "…I've got. To POOP." She whirled around and shot for the nearest restroom.

"…Sometimes I wonder if they're really mine, I truly do," Viren muttered to himself, rubbing his eyes.

-With Callum-

Callum, meanwhile, had returned to the Princes' shared bedroom. He knocked on the dividing door, trying again to communicate with his brother.

"Hey…Ezran? We need to get going, it's almost sundown. You okay in there?" He paused to listen, but heard nothing. "You have to come out eventually. You _know_ you're not allowed to pee out the window ever since you hit a guard in the eye. He's, like, legally blind now. …Hello? Ez?" He got down on hands and knees, reaching for the small doggy-door at the bottom meant for Bait, then hesitated. "…Please don't fart in my face like last time. It really wasn't funny. I mean, it WAS funny, just…not to me." Wincing, he pushed the little door open and poked his head through.

The room was empty.

"Oh, shi-"

"Prince Callum," a guard said, suddenly appearing in the room behind him. Callum jumped, cracking the back of his head on the door. "Your father wishes to see you."

"Okay! Yes! Good! Great!" He hurriedly straightened, wobbling a little. His eyes darted from the guard to the dividing door. "…Ezran is _totally_ in there. He's just quiet cuz he's sulking." He paused awkwardly. "I told him Santa wasn't real."

"Santa's not real?" the guard whispered, his eyes wide with horror, then burst into tears.

"Oh my _God_!"

-Back in the Forest-

Rayla flipped through the trees, leaping from branch to branch as she made her way through the forest, working her ways towards the castle in the distance. She paused, her sharp eyes catching sight of two guards deep in conversation.

"So she asked me, 'do you have protection?', and I says to her, 'bitch, what you think my _shield_ is for?', and then she kicked me out."

"Yes, I KNOW," the other guard ground out impatiently. "I was THERE. It was ME. I threw you out."

"…Oh. Right." The guard blinked. "…Soooo I've still got that shield. See the sides? Ribbed for your pleasure-"

"I'm so glad I didn't fuck you."

"Ugh, Humans are SO disgust- _OH GOD HERE COME THE BERRIES AGAIN_ -" She darted for the nearest bush for another bout of noisy diarrhea.

After recovering, Rayla moved on through the forest, finally coming to a stop at a break in the trees that ended at a roaring stream. Before her was a sheer cliff with the castle towering high above. She glared up at the distant goal, her face hardening with determination, and drew in a deep breath. Letting out a primal war cry, she charged fearlessly towards the cliff.

" _AAAAAAAAAAA_ \- " She abruptly cut off mid-scream and stopped in place, calmly pulling out a pack filled with professional climbing gear. "Okay now that I'm within a safe distance I can get started so here are the ropes and this is a piton now I need to tie this to this-" She lifted a foot and started hopping into a harness.

-With Callum-

King Harrow waited in the empty throne room, dabbing his running mascara with a tissue. There was a knock at the door, Callum cautiously poking his head inside.

"Ezran did it-"

"Come here, Prince Callum," Harrow intoned, beckoning him closer. Callum stepped inside, nervously approaching his King and father. He hesitated when he drew close, unsure what to do, then settled for a deep bow at the exact moment the King went for a hug. He ended up head-butting him in the stomach.

" _Hoogh_!"

"Oh my God I'm sorry-"

"No, no, it's fine-" Harrow held up a hand, doubled over and clutching his stomach. "Just…gimme a minute." After composing himself, he straightened and lay a gentle hand on Callum's shoulder. "Now listen, Callum. I know I'm not your birth father- well, _obviously_ , I mean-"

"...Is this because I'm not as good-looking as you?" Callum asked uncertainly.

"…Yes. That's exactly what I meant." Harrow somehow kept a straight face, then pulled out a sealed paper scroll. "Here. This is for you."

"A letter?" Callum took it, immediately ripping it open and reading aloud. "Milk, eggs, cheese, Oreos (don't tell the boys)-"

"Oh shit, sorry, that's my grocery list," Harrow quickly took the scroll away and handed over another. "Here, _this_ one's yours." He cleared his throat. "Now, I want you to break the seal-"

* _Snap_!*

"No! Not NOW!"

"You _said_ to break it!" Callum cried.

"You didn't let me FINISH." King Harrow snatched the scroll back from him, muttering to himself, and set about heating more wax, applying it to the scroll, and then sealing it with a stamp. When that was finished, he handed the scroll back to Callum. "Okay. There. Now, I want you to open the scroll- _but not now_. You'll know when-"

* _Snap_!*

"I said NOT NOW!"

"I thought it was the right time-"

"Oh for the love of-" Harrow snatched the scroll back again and quickly resealed it. Sighing, he handed the scroll back, glaring at Callum. "Listen to me _carefully_. I want you to open this scroll LATER, not NOW, when the time is- NO. STOP IT. DON'T YOU DARE-"

"Wait a second," Callum's eyes narrowed with suspicion and he stopped picking at the seal. "This is for me to read after you're _dead_! That's horrible!" He looked at the King in confusion. "I don't understand. Why can't we all just get along? Why do _you_ have to die?"

"This isn't just about me," King Harrow explained tiredly. "This war goes back _centuries_." His face tightened with guilt. "I've done… _terrible_ things-"

"Oh, really? Like what?"

Harrow paused for a long moment, thinking.

"…One time I called an Elf a bitch," he finally admitted. "He deserved it, though. Said my boots were ugly. I mean, have you _seen_ me in them?" Callum rolled his eyes. "Anyway. Now, I have to pay the price for my heinous crimes. What is done _cannot_ be undone."

"Uh, shoelaces? Zippers? _Braids_? Plus, you're the King!" Callum argued. "Can't you just _order_ it undone? Like that time I tripped and fell in public, and you ordered everyone to forget it ever happened?" The King snorted at the memory. "You know what? I'm not gonna read this. In fact…" He turned and tossed the scroll into the nearby fireplace. Harrow just gaped at him. "…That was probably a bad idea I bet you spent a lot of time and feeling writing that I'm really sorry-" Callum hurriedly grabbed the scroll from the fire and patted the flames out. "Ow hot hot hot! Anyway. I'm not gonna read this," he said, tucking it into his belt. "Because you're gonna survive." He paused. "…And not because it's probably totally illegible from throwing into the fire."

"Take care of your brother," Harrow said quietly. Callum coughed.

"Yeah about that-"

"I don't think my heart could take it if anything happened to him-"

"HE'S FINE PERFECTLY FINE," Callum burst out. "Nice and happy in his bedroom where he should be and definitely _not_ anywhere else that I don't know of!"

"Okay, how we doing?" Harrow glanced up and checked the clock. "Wow, that took less time than I thought. We've still got five minutes. Let's see, what else can I squeeze in before you go? Here's what you need to know about the birds and the bees-"

"OH GOD NO-"

"Oh, no, wait, that clock is five minutes slow. Guess we're done here after all."

"OH THANK YOU- I mean…" Callum blinked. "Oh no…I…have to go now…" He turned to leave, then hesitated. Glancing back at his father, he gathered himself and went for a handshake…just as the King went for a hug. He accidentally punched him in the dick.

" _Oh my God it happened again I'm SO sorry_ -"

"S'fine…m'okay…didn't want anymore of you anyway," Harrow choked out, clutching his junk. He hung onto Callum for support and pulled him in for a fierce hug, failing to suppress a sniffle.

"…Are you crying because of the dick punch or because-"

"Shut up and hug me."

-With Rayla-

High up on the castle ramparts, Rayla gurgled weakly as she dragged herself up over the edge and tumbled down onto the roof. She flopped over, gasping for breath like a dying fish, then pulled out a bottle of Gatorade and started chugging. Her electrolytes replenished, she staggered to her feet, glaring back down at the forest below.

"You're wrong about me," Rayla said fiercely. "I _can_ do this! I _will_ do this!"

"Who you talking to?" a guard standing beside her asked. She froze in place, a bead of sweat running down her forehead.

"...My coach slash disapproving father-figure who doesn't believe in me?"

"Oh! Well, good luck then! _I_ believe in you!"

"…Uhh…Thanks?" There was a long, awkward pause. Rayla slowly inched away and slipped off through a door.

"What a nice girl," the guard said to himself, smiling.

-A Few Moments Later-

Callum wandered through the castle, sighing dismally. He had just resigned himself to climbing into the ducts to look for Ezran when a noise from behind stopped him short.

"Uh…hello?" he called out uncertainly. "Is someone there?" He walked down a hall lined with suits of armor, completely unaware of Rayla drawing near, sneaking up from behind on silent feet. "Ezran, is that you? What've I told you about trying to sneak up on me, huh? You're gonna get it now…" He suddenly whirled around, hands snapping out. " _TICKLE ATTACK_!"

Rayla busted up laughing and twisted away. Callum yelped, jerking back in shock.

" _Oh my God I just tickled an Elf assassin_!" He quickly kicked a suit of armor, which toppled over on top of her.

"You fool!" She howled as he dashed off down the hallway. "You think this'll stop-" She cut off mid-sentence to scream as spiders came scuttling out.

"This is not what I meant when I prayed for girls chasing me!" Callum wailed as he ran. Snarling, Rayla threw the armor off of her and gave chase, pursuing Callum through several halls and an outside walkway. An armored guard stood there, head down. " _OHGODHELPSHE'SGONNAKILLME_ -" Callum screamed as he ran past, Rayla hot on his heels.

The guard raised his head and pulled out an earbud. "What?" Hearing no reply, he shrugged, replaced the earbud, and went back to fiddling with his phone.

Callum dashed up a staircase, panting wildly. He risked a glance behind him and saw nothing.

"Yes! I think I lost-" He instantly clipped a table, hip-checked a vase, and fell sprawling into a conveniently empty room. " _Why does this shit always happen to me_ -"

"I don't know, but I'm not complaining," Rayla stated, stepping inside and slamming the door shut with her foot. "Alright, listen up." She stood over him, arms crossed. "We have _two_ targets tonight. I'm looking for King Harrow…and his son, Prince Ezran."

" _What_?! That's bullshit!" Callum cried in outrage. "You can't hurt someone who hasn't even done anything wrong-"

"Funny. Neither did the Dragon Brat."

"…Alright, you've got a point, and I don't mean your knives." There was an awkward pause. "No? Nothing? Really?" Callum's face tightened with determination. "Well, you've found me. _I_ am Prince Ez-"

"No you're not."

He blinked.

"Uh, yes, I AM."

"No, you're really not. Look, I have a drawing right here." She held up a sketch of Ezran, his sticking his tongue out and eyes crossed.

"…Okay, first, that is a _horrible_ picture of me, I was having a bad hair day and got a suntan and was inexplicably a foot shorter-"

"You're NOT Prince Ezran!"

"I hit PUBERTY!"

-In the Throne Room-

King Harrow stood in the throne room, a solemn group of guards surrounding him as they helped him don his ceremonial armor piece by piece.

"…You guys checked for spiders, right?" Harrow asked suddenly.

"Of course, my King," a guard answered. He hesitated before continuing. "If I may ask…why are you choosing to wear it now?" Harrow shrugged.

"Hey, I'm gonna die soon, might as well be one fine-ass corpse." Another guard come forward with a tray of makeup and began powdering his face. "Make sure to highlight my cheekbones, they're my best feature-"

Lord Viren entered the room via the large double doors, a whicker basket in hand.

"…That _better_ be the picnic I ordered for my last meal," King Harrow said dangerously.

"Moonshadow Elves are dangerous, elite fighters," Viren began, his voice grim, "and during the full moon, they become nearly invisible. Nothing in the five Kingdoms can stop them. They _will_ find you, and they _will_ kill you, like Liam Neeson-"

"This is the worst pep-talk I've ever gotten-"

"But it doesn't _have_ to be you," Viren finished. He placed the basket on the floor and began to explain. "In here is a Soulfang Serpent. It's bite drains and consumes the spirit of its prey." He carefully removed the lid and glanced inside. "It can- OH SHIT." The basket was empty. "Nobody move!" A guard suddenly shrieked and leaped into the arms of another, a two-headed ebony snake slithering at their ankles. "Don't just _stand_ there! Hurry and catch it or we'll have to use Plan B!"

"Which is?" Harrow cocked an eyebrow.

"We stuff some pillows into your clothes, draw a face on it, and hope for the best." Viren was able to wrangle the snake and held it out gingerly by his staff where it hung, tongues flicking. "Two heads, two bites. Two souls held at once…and through magic, I can switch your spirit with another." He gave the King a level look. "The Elves will find your body-"

"My _fine-ass_ body-"

"…but your _spirit_ will survive."

-With Callum-

"Tell me where Prince Ezran is!" Rayla growled as she loomed over Callum. He backed away from her wickedly sharp knives, wincing.

"I keep telling you! I'M Prince Ezran!"

"Callum," a voice suddenly whispered from close by. Both Rayla and Callum looked up at a large painting of a lady with a flock of sheep. " _Psst_! Hey, Callum!"

" _Shh_! Go away!" Callum hissed back. "Now is NOT a good time!"

"…Cuz you're with a girl?"

"Yes, and…uh…we're having _sex_! Yeah, that's it! We're having it ALL the ways. Hot sweaty sex and you don't wanna see-"

Rayla suddenly punched a fist through the painting, yanking Ezran's head out through the hole. He blinked at them in confusion, eyes darting between the Elf, her knives, and Callum.

"...She's kinky-" Callum began.

"Shut up or we'll have THREE targets tonight!" Rayla barked at him.

"Uhh…jelly tart?" Ezran offered, punching his own hand through the painting. Rayla stared at him for a long, silent moment.

"...Yeah alright." She took the proffered treat and ate it in two bites. "You're Prince Ezran, right?"

"No! He's just a random kid!" Callum cut in, wildly gesturing for Ezran to run. "Go on, scram, you filthy urchin! I told you, I'M Prince Ezran-"

"Callum, what's going on? Why are you saying you're me? You're being really weird, Callum. _Callum_?" Callum began to sweat profusely as Rayla stared deadpan at him. "Don't ignore me, Callum! Callum, _hello_? Callum!"

Rayla turned to Ezran and raised her knife.

"Oh and by the way, I found that tart under my bed."

"You found it WHE- _OOOOGH_!" Rayla doubled over, clutching her stomach and groaning. "Oh GOD, not again! How is there anything _left_ in there?!"

"Quick, follow me!" Ezran grabbed his brother's hand and yanked him through the painting and into a secret tunnel concealed behind as Rayla searched desperately for a suitable houseplant or bucket.

-With the King-

"Yes…yes, I see…" King Harrow was saying to himself, pacing the throne room excitedly. "That's a _wonderful_ idea, Viren! I hide in the body of another, while someone _else_ gets brutally murdered in my place!"

"Yes, my King, I knew you'd see it my way," Viren said smugly.

"Thank you SO much for volunteering, friend. Your death will not be in vain. I'll, like, raise a statue in your honor or whatever. When do we get started? Get that snake over here!"

" _Uhhhhh_ -" Viren gaped at him, eyes wide.

"You… _are_ volunteering," Harrow slowly asked, "aren't you?"

"Well- you see- the thing is-" Viren broke off, beads of sweat popping up on his face as his mind worked furiously. "You don't want my body. I'm getting older, I have back problems, plus I've got this awful case of hemorrhoids that will NOT go away-"

"Viren-"

"I have a tiny dick," he blurted out. "You do _not_ want my dick." He glanced around, then suddenly pointed at a guard. "Frank's got a _huge_ dick. You should totally switch with him. And not me. Cuz of my tiny dick-"

" _VIREN_." King Harrow finally cut him off. "Calm down. There's no way I would _actually_ do it. I'd rather die a King than live as a coward. Not to mention, I'm hot as fuck." He flipped a couple dreadlocks over his shoulder. "Anyway, I don't trust dark magic. It's what got us here in the first place."

"Don't you talk about dark magic like that to me!" Viren gasped aloud, his eyes flashing angrily. "It's _brilliant_ , it's _clever_! You just don't understand it like I do!"

"Really?" Harrow scowled, crossing his arms. "Because I think you've _changed_ a lot since you started using it. Suddenly you never have time for me anymore. You're distant and don't communicate! You never think about _my_ wants or needs-"

"Uh, would you like us to leave?" a guard asked uncertainly.

"Oh, no, by all means stay, I _want_ you guys to see this-"

"Oh yeah, bring the guards in!" Viren cried, throwing his hands up. "Make ME look bad!"

"And then you started this unwinnable war, angering the Elves and Dragons by destroying the egg of the Dragon Brat-"

"I was hungry and wanted an omelet!" Viren argued. "I didn't have breakfast! That egg would've become the most _powerful_ creature in the world! I _saved_ Humanity by eating it-"

"It was an _EGG_!" Harrow exploded, his voice ringing throughout the room.

"And it was _DELICIOUS_!" Viren shouted right back, shaking his fist at him.

"GET. OUT." Harrow stabbed a finger at the doors, his face a storm of cold rage. Viren drew himself up huffily, stuffed the snake back in his basket, and started for the door. "Also, I am hereby changing your title from High Mage to High _Bitchmaster_."

"Oh yeah? Well I lied about you being a nine. You're a five, TOPS." Viren sniffed and stormed out of the room, slamming the doors closed behind him.

"I hate it when you two fight!" One of the guards wailed, bursting into tears.

-With the Princes-

The two Princes dashed through a secret stone corridor, rows of blue crystals set into niches lighting the way. Muffled bangs and swears alerted them to the furious Elf still giving chase.

"This way!" Ezran grabbed Callum's hand and led his brother down a branching corridor, where they promptly arrived at a dead end.

"Oh my God, Ezran. I will leave you for her."

"Puzzle time!" Ezran stepped up to the stone wall and began pushing rocks in sequence. "Rock, rock, stone, Dwayne Johnson, stone!" There was a loud click, and a large stone slab on the floor ground open to reveal a winding staircase. They hurried down into a darkened chamber, Ezran pulling a lever at the bottom to close it behind them.

"That's amazing, Ez!" Callum said proudly. "It must have taken you _months_ to figure out the correct combination-"

"Actually I just kinda tripped and fell and somehow flailed the right buttons-"

"Of course what was I thinking-"

"But she'll never be able to follow us!" Ezran beamed up at him. "Check it out! This is my secret base, no girls allowed-" The staircase suddenly groaned to life and lowered back down. Rayla came tumbling head over heels down the steps. "Hey I said no girls allowed!"

"How on earth did you figure out the combination?!" Callum cried in disbelief.

"I dunno, I tripped and fell against the wall and kinda, you know, _flailed_ -"

"ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME-"

Don't worry, Cal! I got this." Ezran stepped forward, crossing his arms with confidence. "What's the password?"

"Uhh…" Rayla blinked, sprawled upside-down. "Jelly tart?"

"Dang it! She got us!" Ezran threw up his hands in defeat. "We have to let her kill us now, Callum."

"No we fucking don't!"

"You said a bad word twice! I'm telling!"

Rayla stepped into the deeply shadowed room, eyeing the embalmed creatures and grinning skulls lining the shelves with open horror and distaste.

"Runaan was right," she said, her nose wrinkling. "Humans _aren't_ worth saving."

"Hey! That's not true!" Callum protested before a sheaf of his naked lady drawings fell out of his bag. "…Those are for anatomy-"

"Yeah, we're not bad at all!" Ezran joined in. A dozen tarts fell out of his shirt, pilling at his feet. Bait plopped out after and belched. "…I can explain-"

"Humans killed the Dragon Brat," Rayla growled, stepping closer. "Now I'm going to kill _theirs_."

"You'll have to get through me!" Callum declared, bravely stepping in front of Ezran.

"Sure, that won't be a problem, I think my knives are long enough to skewer you both-"

"WAIT!" Ezran suddenly cried. "You guys need to see something!"

"You're not tricking me again!" Rayla snarled.

"Please, just look!" he pleaded. "It's _really_ important, I swear!"

"Ugh, fine!" Rayla lowered her knives and sighed. "I'll postpone your execution for a few seconds. Hurry and show me."

"Alright. Here. What I wanted to show you guys was…" Callum and Rayla held their breath in anticipation as Ezran grabbed a hanging cloth and pulled it free to reveal- "Lookit this cool taxidermy bear! You can see its pee-pee and everything!"

"Okay, if she doesn't kill you, I certainly am," Callum stated.

"Oh and there's also this fancy egg over here." Ezran pulled another blanket off of a pedestal, revealing a large, glowing egg with speckles of brilliant color.

"It's…the Dragon Brat!" Rayla gasped in disbelief.

"You mean the egg _wasn't_ destroyed?!" Callum's eyes went wide. "It's…it's a miracle! We don't HAVE to go to war! We're _SAVED_ -" He flung his hands apart in joy, accidentally smacked the egg, and toppled it over. Rayla screeched as Ezran dove for the egg, barely managing to catch it just before it hit the ground.

"I don't care if we're not going to war," Rayla growled at him. "I'm still killing you." She stood there for a moment. "Right after I find a bathroom."

-Episode 2 End-


	3. Episode 3: Moonfall

The Dragon Brat

Episode 3

Moonfall

The sun was finally setting over the Kingdom of Katolis, the dwindling rays lighting up the clouds with blazing color. Inside the castle, King Harrow solemnly donned his golden crown, face grave beneath a layer of highlighter. Fully decked out in royal raiment, he checked one last time to make sure his eyebrow game was on fleek, then exited the throne room and walked out into a courtyard where Soren stood, holding out the King's sword.

"Here you are, your highness, I just waxed it-" The sword promptly shot out of his grip and stabbed the violin a man had been playing sad, sappy music on, pinning it to the wall. "…Perhaps too much."

"It's fine, the music was getting annoying."

Soren stepped smartly behind the King, he and several other guards forming an entourage as the group began to walk through the castle. After getting turned around several times, having to ask for directions, and making a quick stop for the King to use the restroom, the procession finally arrived at a spiraling stone staircase and began to climb. They reached the top and entered the King's bedchamber, the chosen location for him to wait out the coming night and the arrival of the Elf assassins.

"I will stand here all _night_ if I have to," Harrow declared boldly as he stood tall, his sword held before him, tip to the floor. "…Actually, someone get me a chair this armor's pretty heavy, and a glass of warm milk- no wait make it coffee I might get sleepy- no wait it might upset my tummy this late at night make it a tea- and my slippers and maybe something to read-" His black bird flew down and perched on his shoulder, chirping. Harrow began making kissy noises. "Aww, hey, Pip! Did you come to say goodni- _I just had this shit waxed Pip don't you dare_!" His sword went flying again and stabbed into a pillow, feathers flying everywhere. " _Godammit_!"

"At once, your highness!" The guards all scurried to obey his orders.

"I just don't want to get _bored_ , you know? Who knows how long these assassins will take." Harrow yanked his sword out of the pillow, then nodded toward the bed. "Last ditch effort I seduce 'em." The guards all paused to stare at him incredulously. "Oh, come on. Look at me and tell me you don't want a piece of this."

"…I do," one guard said in the back.

"Called it. But anyway, it's fine, I won't fall asleep," King Harrow went on with confidence. "In fact, I order you to slap me if I start drifting off."

"Uh, isn't it a month in the dungeon for striking the King?"

"Yes, but it's off with your heads for disobeying a direct order," the King answered coolly. "So what's it gonna be?" The guards all gulped.

-Meanwhile-

"I just don't understand why he doesn't want to switch bodies!" Claudia was saying to her father as they walked down a hallway. "I mean, I kinda do, he's like, _super_ hot, but really!" There was a long, thoughtful pause. "He must have a _huge_ di-"

"We are NOT having this discussion again!" Viren cut her off. "He's just being stupid and stubborn! I hate when he's like this! He won't even _listen_ to me. It's like my opinion doesn't even matter to him! Lately I feel like we're just strangers living in the same castle-"

"…Wait are we still talking about you and the King-"

"-and he doesn't _appreciate_ anything I do!" Viren went on as they entered a darkened room. "Not even so much as a 'thank you' for slaving all day over a hot cauldron to make diabolical spells! The _nerve_ of that man-"

"Seriously, did I miss the wedding?" Claudia looked up at a faded portrait of her father and King Harrow, younger and standing shoulder to shoulder with grins on their faces. "What the hell! You guys had photos and everything? Why wasn't I invited?"

"Ah, yes," Viren said, a soft smile on his face as he gazed at the portrait. "We posed for this a few days after his coronation. He insisted I stand next to him for the painting because he knew I would stand by him…through _anything_ -"

"Don't some girls take selfies with their ugly friends so they look better?"

"… _That son of a bitch_." Face livid, Viren spun around on his heel and stormed out of the room. "I'm shoving this basket up his _ass_!"

"Dad-"

"Don't even TRY to stop me!"

"Actually I just wanted to know if you guys have a pre-nup aaaaand he's gone." Claudia sighed as her father's angry stomps fading away. Her foot struck something and she looked down to find a scroll on the floor. "What's this?" She picked it up and studied it curiously. "Has someone… _been_ in here? But _who_? And where did they _go_?" She glanced up at the ruined painting of the lady with her sheep beside her, a huge gaping hole torn in the middle of it. "…They could be _anywhere_!" She cried, then dashed out of the room. After a beat, she dashed back in. "…Wait a minute." She paused. "Who shit in the potted plant?"

-With the Princes-

Princes Callum and Ezran stood with Rayla down in the creepy storage room/evil lab, staring at the brilliantly glowing egg of the Dragon Brat in open wonder and disbelief.

"So…this is _really_ the egg of the Dragon Brat?" Callum finally asked, breaking the stunned silence. "Ez, you swear it's not another one of your 'art projects'? I know you've always got glitter on you _somewhere_ -"

"Not true," Ezran said, then threw a handful of glitter in his face. Callum gagged.

"I can't believe it…the egg _wasn't_ destroyed!" Rayla's eyes were shining. "Maybe it can stop the war! This…changes _everything_!"

" _Frieeeends_ ," Callum whispered, inching an arm around her shoulders. She elbowed him hard in the gut, doubling him over.

"Don't fucking touch me."

"He's okay in there," Ezran said, gently placing a hand on the egg. "I can _feel_ it." He paused, then shook the egg a little. "Now he's dizzy-"

"EZRAN!"

"He's laughing! He likes it!"

"But…HOW? Why wasn't it destroyed?" Rayla burst out, shaking her head. "And why is it HERE-"

A loud squawk followed by a series of thuds cut her off. The trio whirled around to see Claudia come tumbling head-over-heels down the winding staircase, finally reaching the bottom with a splat, landing upside-down. She sat up, blowing her hair out of her face.

"Whoa, what's going on? I was following a trail of jelly tarts when I tripped and flailed-"

"ARE YOU FUCKING _KIDDING_ ME-"

"I know, right? What part of 'no girls allowed' do you not _understand_?!" Ezran shouted, stomping his foot.

"Oh, sorry, Ez." Claudia stood and started back up the stairs. "…Wait a minute-"

"Who IS this?" Rayla asked incredulously. Her eyes narrowed in suspicion and she drew her knives. "Wait, were you looking for me? Well, you found me, Human! Bring it ON-"

"Actually I was looking for the culprit who shit in the potted plant-"

"Who would DO such a thing?" Rayla asked aloud, quickly putting her knives away.

"Hmm?" Claudia caught sight of the egg in Ezran's arms. She gasped, her eyes going wide. "Oh my gosh, Ezran! …Your newest art project looks _great_! Even better than your macaroni portrait of your father!"

"Oh. Uh. Yeah. Right." Ezran blinked slowly, then slapped a sticker onto the side of the egg. "Thanks."

"…Is she seriously this stupid?" Rayla muttered under her breath. "Wow, Humans canNOT get any dumber-"

"Good job, Ez," Callum stage-whispered. "She has _no idea_ it's actually the egg of the Dragon Brat!"

"That's the egg of the Dragon Brat?!"

"Okay, wow, I was wrong, they CAN," Rayla growled, glaring at Callum, who winced.

"Dad must have saved the egg!" Claudia said to herself, eyes darting between the thoroughly confused Princes, Rayla, and the egg. "And with it, I can save he and the King's marriage!"

"…Wait _what_ -"

"Alright, nobody move!" She raised her magical orb in one hand threateningly. "I'm wearing woolen socks and I _will_ walk across this carpet-"

"Oh God." Callum's face paled in horror. "Watch out, you guys! She means _business_."

"Are you kidding me?" Rayla gave him a look.

"You two, get behind me!" Claudia ordered sharply, gesturing at the boys.

"Yes, ma'am!"

"You just wanna look at her butt-"

"Shut up Ez!"

"Don't you get it?!" Rayla shouted over the boys, crossing her arms in defiance. "Your father didn't SAVE the egg! He STOLE it!"

"I'm sure my father had a perfectly good reason for keeping the egg a secret!" Claudia said, then paused. "…And hiding it away…in this dark, secret room…where no-one would find it." There was another pause. "Okay that's actually pretty shady, what the fuck, dad?" She rolled her eyes in exasperation. "Last warning! Ezran, Callum, get over here, NOW!" She began rubbing her feet on the rug, gathering up a charge. The lights started to dim and flicker.

"Hold on! Lemme ask the Dragon Brat what HE wants!" Ezran said, then pressed his ear against the egg's glowing shell. "What's that, buddy? It's okay to be scared. Uh-huh…uh-huh…okay. I'll tell them." He looked straight at Claudia. "He says 'fuck you'." He paused. "I don't know where he learned that kind of language, it certainly wasn't from me. It must have been Callum."

"Bullshi- oh. Yeah, okay. That makes sense."

"Oh, wait. There's more." Ezran pressed his ear to the egg again. "Yeah? Uh-huh, okay, sure." He looked at Callum and Rayla. "He says 'run like fuck'." So saying, Ezran whirled around and took off down a branching tunnel. Rayla scurried after him, and Callum moved to follow.

"Hey, get back here! Don't you want our parents to be _happy_?! I could be your step-sister!" Claudia leapt forward, hand outstretched, crackling with electricity.

"NOOOO!" Callum stuck out a foot and deftly tripped her, her hand hitting a taxidermy turkey and frying it nice and crispy. Moving fast, Callum grabbed a nearby manacle and clapped it on Claudia's wrist.

"Oh man this is NOT how I imagined chaining you up-"

"What?"

"What?" He stared at her blankly. "Gotta go bye!" He snatched up Claudia's fallen orb and dashed away after the others. After a beat, he dashed back in, grabbing the fried bird and stuffing it into his bag. "Ez might get hungry and we didn't really pack-"

"No, wait, Callum! Get back here! _This is a horrible time to realize I have to pee_!" Claudia cried aloud as she was left alone in the room. Muttering under her breath, she struggled to the end of her chain, stretching out an arm to light a red wax candle. She reached again, sprinkling some powder over the candle, and chanted some mystic words as the flame changed color.

A toilet poofed into existence.

"Yes, perfect!" She started hiking up her dress. "…Wait a minute. The boys! Shit!" She put her fingers to her mouth and whistled. Instantly a pair of smoky black dogs appeared, growling menacingly. "Fetch!" She commanded, pointing at the tunnel. The dogs took off after their prey, snarling and howling.

"I think there's something after us!" Callum cried as he and the others ran. He looked back over his shoulder and gasped. "Oh, no! We've got- _bitch are those Chihuahuas_?!"

"Leave this to me!" Rayla whirled to a stop, drawing her knives as the others ran on.

"And leave THIS to me!" Ezran said, leading the way…straight to a dead end. "…Or not."

" _Definitely_ not." Callum glared down at him. "Seriously. I will take the egg and go."

"Ugh!" Rayla growled in frustration as the smoky little dogs darted around her, yipping and biting her ankles. "I can't hurt these stupid things! They're just smoke! My knives go right through 'em!"

"You mean I can't even _pet_ them?" Ezran cried in outrage. "What kind of horrible spell IS this?!"

"Ow! Ouch! _Argh_!" Rayla yelped in pain.

"Did they bite you? Are you hurt?!" Callum asked, concerned.

"No, they're just SUPER ANNOYING! I wanna punt these bitches to the moon!" Rayla had no choice but to fall back from the dogs' snapping teeth. The trio was cornered in the dead-end, the smoky dogs trapping them and drawing closer. As they shrank away in fear, Callum glanced down at the orb in his hand, a sudden idea occurring to him.

"Wingardium Leviosa!" He cried, gesturing at the dogs. Nothing happened.

"…Did you say Lev-i-OH-sa, or Levi-oh-SAH?" Ezran asked after a moment.

"Wrong fandom!" Rayla shouted.

"Eh, it was worth a shot." Callum shrugged, then gasped as another idea popped into his head. " _Aspiro_!" He cried, writing a glowing rune in the air, then let loose with a reverberating belch. The dogs were blown away by the powerful rush of fetid air. Silence filled the tunnel afterwards.

"...Did you just _burp_ them away?" Rayla asked after a long moment.

"Yes," Callum answered bluntly. "Yes I did."

"…You have never been cooler to me, Callum," Ezran stated.

"You didn't say that you were a Mage," Rayla commented.

"What?" Callum blinked at her in surprise. "But…I'm not!"

"Uh, you just used magic." Rayla crossed her arms. "So, you're a Mage."

"Wow, really? It's that easy? Alright." Callum grinned. "...Do you think I'm...a- _mage_ -ing?"

"Okay, you ruined it."

"Totally ruined it." Ezran shook his head in disappointment. "You just lost all your cool points."

"IT WAS FUNNY YOU GUYS ARE JUST MEAN-"

-Back in the Tower-

Viren stormed up the spiraling staircase to the King's bedroom, fuming inwardly. A single guard stepped forward to block him, and Viren simply used his staff as a baseball bat and hit a homerun on the unfortunate man's face. No-one bothered to question him afterwards. Once reaching the top, he saw Soren standing guard in front of the double doors, munching on an apple.

"Oh, hey, Dad. What's in the basket?" He paused. "…Is it apples-"

"Do you eat anything _other_ than apples?" Viren cut in impatiently.

"Uh, yeah, _duh_ ," Soren rolled his eyes, then began counting on his fingers. "Applesauce, apple pie, apple strudel-"

"Okay, now I'm _sure_ you two aren't mine." Viren blew a sigh out his nose. "Why are you both obsessed with food? Did I not feed you enough as children?"

"-apple muffins, apple crisp, apple cobbler-"

"Out of my way!" He shoved his son aside and pushed the doors open.

-In the Tunnels-

Back in the darkened tunnels, Bait sat on Ezran's head, lighting the way with his glow. Rayla and Callum jogged after him, sticking close.

"Hey, listen," Rayla said, putting a hand on Ezran's shoulder to stop him, "I need you to give me the egg. I have to bring it to the roof right away."

"That might be a problem," Ezran said slowly, turning around. The egg was stuffed down his shirt, making him appear heavily pregnant. "Cuz I'm not due for another month."

"What…why would…look, just… _trust_ me!"

"Oh, yeah, sure! We can _totally_ trust her!" Callum said, his voice dripping with sarcasm. "We're best buds! Hey, remember that time you tried to kill me, and that other time when you chased me through the castle with knives?"

"We can relive that memory if you like," Rayla growled at him, then turned back to Ezran. "I'm trying to help you! The other Elves are gonna get here soon. If I show them the egg, maybe I can stop them! Please, just give it to me."

"I'll take you to the roof," Ezran said, waddling away. "Maybe by then my water will have broken." Rayla heaved a sigh as she and Callum followed.

"Make sure to do your breathing, Ez."

"You're not helping!" Rayla snapped.

-With the King-

Viren entered the King's bedchamber, basket in hand.

"ZzzzzGRNKK- _I wasn't sleeping_!" Harrow snorted awake, jerking up in his chair and blinking blearily.

"There's drool in your beard, my King."

"...Someone's getting dungeon time." Harrow scowled at the guards standing at attention. "You guys are all in timeout. Go!" They shamefully filed out of the room, their heads hanging, leaving the two men alone. Harrow turned back to Viren. "You gotta be firm with them, otherwise they won't learn their lesson." He caught sight of the basket in Viren's hands. "Speaking of which…"

"I have a proposal," Viren said, walking closer.

"I am NOT marrying you."

"I am NOT asking. Not that kind of proposal." He sat down on the bed and placed the basket on his lap. "Let me explain…"

"Mm-hmm," King Harrow grunted, picking up his sword and beginning to sharpen the blade while he maintained eye contact to assert his dominance. It immediately shot out of his hands and pierced a mirror, shattering it to pieces. Harrow continued to stare at Viren, unblinking. "…Soren is never touching my shit again, like, ever." Viren took a deep breath, his face softening as he began to speak.

"Harrow. You…are my King…but you're also more than that. You are my _friend_. Right now, I do not come to you as my King." His voice began to break as he became choked up with emotion. "I think of you…as my _brother_ -"

"Okay cut the shit. Just tell me what you want."

" _I WANT YOU TO QUIT BEING A LITTLE BITCH AND JUST LET THE SNAKE FUCKING BITE YOU_ -"

"Wait, wait, wait. I see what's going on here." Harrow blew out a sigh and sadly shook his head. "Viren, Viren, Viren. You still think you're a _TEN_. Well, guess what? You're NOT. You are NOT better than anyone else. You are NOT above the laws of this kingdom."

"…Is this about my DUI because I told you, it was the _horse_ that was drunk-"

"I have an assassination appointment this evening," Harrow's glare grew darker as he went on, "and you are wasting what little free time I have left. I could be letting Ezran paint my toenails again. I could be explaining what a vagina is to Callum. I could be taking a bubble-bath. Hell, I could be doing my fucking taxes, _anything_ other than sitting here, listening to you _bitch_."

"Harrow-"

"You will address me as 'Your Highness'!" The King cut in sharply. Viren drew himself up, eyes flashing with anger.

"Oh, really? Well, why stop there? Would you prefer 'Your Royal Majesty'? Or maybe 'Supreme Ruler of Katolis'? Or perhaps even 'Super-Mega-King-Optimus-Prime'?"

"…As a matter of fact, yeah, that sounds pretty dope. Call me that from now."

"You are inSUFFERABLE-"

"And you're a whiney little _bitch_!" Harrow stood, towering over Viren. "I've _had_ it with your little hissy-fits! If today is my last day as King. you WILL know your place."

"And where is _that_?" Viren asked, voice dripping with venom.

"Right. Here. On your knees." King Harrow pointed at the floor, then paused thoughtfully. "Okay sorry that came out _way_ too sexual. Maybe, like, over there, further away from me, but still on your knees-"

Glaring furiously, Viren stiffly stood and obeyed, kneeling on the floor a respectable distance from the other man. King Harrow loomed over him, Pip flapping over to perch on his shoulder.

"You are a THREE, Viren. You are. A _THREE_ \- oh hey baby birdy! You want some more kisses? * _Smek smek smek_ -*" He suddenly looked thoughtful. "I bet it'd be so COOL to be a bird. Fly around, shit on things, do whatever you want. Yeah, it'd be great. But that won't be happening to ME anytime soon, right, Viren?"

"…Of course not, your High-"

"That's Super-Mega-King-Optimus-Prime to you!"

-On the Rooftop-

Rayla stepped out onto the castle ramparts, checking to see if the coast was clear. Her eyes narrowed as she glared suspiciously at the deep shadows, sensing an unseen presence.

"You're here," she said aloud. "I know you are, I can feel it…come out!"

The guard Rayla had met on the rooftop before popped out, waving happily.

"Hey, me again! Just wanted to say that I believe in you and that coach/father figure you complained about is a total loser and you're gonna prove him wrong-" Runaan was standing directly behind the man, scowling with arms crossed. "-so don't let anything that dumbass says get you down, sweetie, he's just an idiot and-" Runaan finally booted him off the roof, then turned to glare down at Rayla. She stared up at him blankly.

"…He was talking about someone else-"

"Rayla. What are you doing here? You were _benched_ for unsportsmanlike behavior, in the penalty box-"

"Runaan, we need to call off the match! Forfeit the game!" Rayla begged. "I found the egg of the Dragon Brat! It wasn't destroyed, it was stolen by their High Mage! The Human Princes found it, and they want to help stop the war-"

"What? NO!" Runaan cut her off. "Humans are liars! This is a trick play, don't you see? It's a blitz! They're using underhanded tactics to break our strategy-"

"This isn't a game!" Callum said, stepping out to join Rayla.

"That's a FOUL!" Runaan piercingly blew a whistle and flung a yellow card at him. "Too many players on the field! I'm giving you a warning. Next time, I cut your head off."

"Ez, show him!" Callum pulled Ezran in front, his shirt still bulging.

"Ok, but you guys are gonna have to tell me when to push-"

"We don't have _time_ for this-" Callum moved to pull open his shirt.

"Get away from me! I told you I'm not having a cesarean, I want a natural birth! No epidural!"

"Oh my God! Fine!" He checked his watch. "How far apart are your contractions?"

"What is _wrong_ with Humans?" Runaan asked aloud. Rayla just shook her head.

" _PUUUUSH_!"

"I don't know, I really don't."

" _Unnggggh_!" With an exaggerated grunt, Ezran dropped the egg out of his shirt, holding it aloft with pride. "Yaaay! It's a boy! Now I'm _really_ a mom!" Runaan gasped in awe at the sight of the large, sparkling egg.

"I can't believe it! The egg of the Dragon Brat- why is it covered in Hello Kitty stickers?"

"They were the only ones I had," Ezran explained. "Don't worry, I'll get him more."

"See?" Rayla said. "We can't take vengeance for something that didn't happen! Call it off!" Runaan hesitated, his resolve wavering.

"…No!" He straightened and shook his head. "Humans cheated in the last match. They clearly went against the rules, and won't be forgiven!" He shook his head. "I can't believe I wasted a timeout for this. Give me the egg!"

"Alright, _fine_!" Rayla snarled, starting towards him with the egg in her arms. Just as she reached him, she suddenly spun, faked right, and dodged around Runaan. "GO LONG!" Rayla hurled the egg, Ezran leaping up to catch the pass. The crowd went wild as he and Callum dashed away. "Run! Go. All. The. Way…to Xadia!"

"Dammit, Rayla! That was a brilliant play! You have so much potential!" Above them, billowing clouds parted to reveal a brilliant full moon. As the moonlight hit them, Runaan and Rayla began glowing ethereally with power. The two squared off against each other, weapons drawn, tension thick. Then Runaan pulled out a coin and flipped it into the air. "Call it."

-Meanwhile-

Back in the secret chamber, Claudia yanked on the chain around her wrist and groaned in frustration.

"Alright. I have no choice." Her eyes narrowed dangerously. "Looks like I'm gonna have to _chew my own arm off_ to escape. Here we go." She lunged forward and started gnawing ferociously on the appendage, then caught sight of the key to the manacle sitting on the desk beside her. "Oh Thank God I taste HORRIBLE-"

-With the Princes-

Princes Callum and Ezran hurried down into a courtyard, Callum snatching up his younger brother and shoving him deep into an unattended hay cart.

"Time to play Hide and Seek, Ez- oh my God I sound like freaking _Soren_." He shook his head in disgust. "Anyway. Stay here and keep the egg safe. I'll go talk to the King."

"Why don't you just call him Dad?" Ezran asked, popping his head out of the hay.

"Because one time I tried and bit my tongue halfway through," Callum said bluntly. "The King thought I was having a seizure and started screaming and trying to shove a stick in my mouth. It was awful." He shoved Ezran back into the hay, then ran off. He quickly found the spiraling staircase and hurried up, taking the stairs two at a time.

"Whoa, hold on there!" Soren said when he reached the top, stepping in front of him. "I'm gonna have to see a Hall Pass. Last one we had was a full suit of armor-"

Callum yanked an apple out of his pocket and threw it back over his shoulder. Soren gasped and lunged for it. Distraction successful, Callum ducked past him, reaching for the double doors to the King's bedchambers, only to collide with someone as they exited.

"King Harrow!" Callum latched on, hugging them tight. "Oh thank God, you're still okay! I have SO much dirt to dish about that asshole Viren– why do you smell like old man?" He finally looked up and froze in horror.

"Running to daddy to tattle on me?" Viren bit out, glaring balefully down at him. Callum stared up at him, face blank.

"I would _nev_ \- KING HARROW KING HARROW- _GAK_!" He tried to duck around Viren but was yanked back by his scarf.

-On the Roof-

Rayla and Runaan's battle raged across the rooftops, the pair nearly invisible from the power of the full moon. They leapt back and forth, exchanging blows, sparks flying. Suddenly they paused, looking around in confusion.

"Okay wait hold on I lost you there-"

"I'm over here! To your right!"

"My right, or your right? Seriously, where ARE you-"

"Just…follow my voice! …Marco!"

"Polo?" Rayla shook her head impatiently. "Runaan, come on! You saw the egg! There's no need for this! Can't we just talk about this, please?"

"Alright, fine, if you want to use your timeout- no. Wait." Runaan's eyes widened with realization. "You're trying to stall me!" Rayla gasped in outrage.

"I am _not_!" She paused. "Quick question though how do you think I'd look with a bob?"

"ADORABLE- hey! Stop it!" Runaan snarled and leapt away, heading towards the distant castle tower.

"Wait, come back!" Rayla shouted, going after him. "I'll…let you polish my horns! Tell me which weapons compliment my eyes! _Runaan_!"

-With Callum-

"I know what you did! You stole the egg of the Dragon Brat!" Callum shouted at Viren, yanking himself free. He turned to the guards. "Arrest him!" Nobody moved. "Oh, sorry. _Please_ arrest him." Still, nobody moved. "…Simon says 'arrest him'? What am I doing _wrong_ -"

"Seize him," Viren said coldly, and the guards instantly obeyed, grabbing Callum by the arms.

"Okay what did he do differently-"

"Tell me where the egg is!" Viren barked out, looming over him. "TALK, or-"

"I'll cry out! I'll scream!" Callum threatened. Viren simply snorted.

"Oh, please, you think that would stop-"

" _RAAAAAAAAAAPE_ -"

"And you're right!" Viren hurriedly chanted a spell, a smoky green hand appearing and reaching into the open mouth of the Prince. Callum gagged and went to yell, only to find his voice had been stolen.

"Whoa what the hell Dad, are you fucking _Ursula_?" Soren asked in shock, then paused. "Wait does that make me and Claudia Flotsam and Jetsam-"

"Alright, now tell me where the egg is!" Viren said again. Callum just stared at him, deadpan. "…Oh yeah right."

"You know you could have just punched him in the _throat_ -"

"Want me to steal your voice, too?"

-With Rayla-

Rayla swiftly and silently made her way over the rooftops, dodging patrols of guards as she neared the King's tower. She dropped to the ground and was just sneaking by a hay cart when a familiar glow stopped her short.

"Hello?" She poked her head into the hay to find Ezran sitting inside, the egg and Bait illuminating the small space.

"Hey! What's up? This is my new hang out- oh hey wait what's the password-"

"Where's your brother?" she cut in, impatient.

"He went up to the tower to see Dad." Ezran frowned in concern. "Why? Is that bad? Is it dangerous? Is he gonna die?"

"What?" Rayla blinked. "Oh, no, it's…perfectly fine. We should just…go get him is all. Like right now." She coughed awkwardly. "…In fact let's run-"

-With Callum-

"You are a spoiled little _shit_!" Viren was shouting at Callum, his face turning red. "You'd better get ready, because things are changing around here! What do you have to say for yourself?!" Callum stared at him silently for a beat, then held up his middle finger. "Okay, that's it! I'm taking his hands, too! What's the spell for that again-"

"You could literally just CHOP THEM OFF, Dad-"

"WILL _YOU_ -"

An eerie wail cut him off as a cold waft of air slid up the staircase, extinguishing all the torches and plunging the tower into darkness. The guards all gasped and clutched each other in fright.

"They're here!" Soren cried, drawing his sword. "Time for extreme Hide and Seek, men! We've _trained_ for this!"

A group of glowing Elves suddenly burst into the room like a hurricane, striking down guards left and right. In the ensuing chaos, Viren was kicked in the dick and dropped his glowing green charm. In a puff of smoke, Callum's stolen voice returned to him, and he gasped aloud, coughing.

"King Harrow! I'll save you!" he cried, starting towards the double doors. " _DAD_!" He took a step forward, tripped, bit his tongue, and went tumbling backwards out the window, falling into the hay cart with a crash. Rayla and Ezran stood there, blinking.

"OH SHIT HE'S HAVING A SEIZURE QUICK BITE DOWN ON THIS-"

"He's fine," Ezran said quickly. "You didn't talk to Dad, huh?" Callum spat out a mouthful of blood and stared at him.

"Whatever gave you that idea, Ezran."

"Want me to go back in there with you?" Rayla offered generously. "I'll hold your hand if you're scared. Just…wipe it off or something first, I don't want cooties-"

"No." Callum looked at the egg of the Dragon Brat, his expression resolute. "There's nothing we can do there. We should focus on what we CAN do. It's up to us now. We have to return this egg. We have to keep it safe and carry it to Xadia, to its mother."

"I want visitation rights!" Ez cut in.

"We could really change things," Rayla said, smiling wide. "We could make a _difference_! It doesn't matter that we're barely more than children and have little to no experience in a situation like this and we're in the middle of a WAR!"

"Yeah, just the three of us," Callum said, nodding. Bait let out a high-pitched fart in affront. "Oh, right, sorry. Just the _four_ of us-"

" _Five_ of us?" a stranger asked hopefully, standing off to the side.

"Wait, what? No, go away!" They all stared at him in confusion. "Who the hell are you anyway? You should be in bed, it's like the middle of the freaking night-"

"I brought snacks-"

"Let's hear him out, you guys," Ezran said.

"NO!"

As the stranger sulkily trudged off, the trio departed from the castle, leaving via an arching stone bridge. Callum stopped and looked back at the castle sadly.

"You think Dad'll be okay?" Ez asked in a quiet voice. Callum looked down at him, smiling softly.

"Of course he will! He has the best guards in the Kingdom protecting him." He paused, then lifted up a 'Coping With Loss and Grief' book and began reading aloud. "'Comfort the individual, make them feel safe. Physical affection is a good way of showing them that you love and care for them in this time of need'." He reached out a hand and patted Ezran on the head.

"Yay! I feel so loved and secure!" Ezran beamed up at him.

"Humans are fucking insane," Rayla muttered to herself.

-Back in the Tower-

Runaan, once again visible, staggered out of the King's bedchambers onto the balcony, doubled over and grimacing in pain.

"UGH I _knew_ I shouldn't have worn these boots my feet are fucking _killing_ me-" The white silk thread on his upper arm turned red and fell off, fluttering to the ground. Runaan collapsed to his knees, wrapping the thread around an arrow, then shot it into the sky with his bow. The arrow transformed mid-flight into a bitchin' smoky red bird, which flapped its wings and flew off towards the distant horizon.

"Found you!" Soren cried as he and his men surrounded the Elf, swords out. "It's cool, guys, we won! Hide and Seek is over now-"

"Oh my God just KILL ME-"

"No, no, see, now it's your turn, WE hide and YOU seek, that's how the game goes-"

"END IT ALREADY!"

"…Okay man I was gonna say loser buys lunch but if you insist-"

"Wait!" Claudia suddenly appeared, glaring down at the Elf. "Don't kill him. We can get _vital_ information out of this one."

"Hey, good idea, sis!" Soren readily agreed, nodding. Claudia reached forward and grabbed Runaan by his shirt, hauling him close.

"Alright, you! Where did you get those boots and who does your hair?! _Talk_!" She gave him a shake.

"Never!" Runaan shouted back.

"Okay _I'll_ be the one asking the questions-" Soren pushed her away, regaining control of the situation. "WHAT IS YOUR WORKOUT ROUTINE YOUR ABS ARE _SICK_ -"

"Alright, ENOUGH!" Viren quickly stepped in, taking over. "BE HONEST AM I A THREE I'M NOT RIGHT I'M AT LEAST A SEVEN-" He stopped himself in time, clearing his throat roughly. "Guards, lock him up. I'll deal with him later." He glanced back at his children. "Why the fuck do you have bite-marks all over your arm, Claudia?"

-Deep in the Forest-

Callum, Ezran, and Rayla ran through the deep, darkened woods, the full moon hanging high in the sky above them, lighting the way. Rayla suddenly jerked to a halt, watching in horror as the white thread around one of her wrists turned a bloody red and fell to the ground. She looked up to see the bitchin' red bird flapping away towards the distant mountains and groaned.

"What's wrong?" Callum asked, noticing Rayla's grimace. "Are you hurt? Or is it- oh god." He shifted uncomfortably. "Don't tell me you...started your period?"

"What? No!"

"What's a period? Is it like an exclamation point?"

"Not now, Ez!"

"It's _nothing_!" Rayla shouted over the boys to stop them from arguing. "Just that…we should stop and rest soon. It's a long journey to Xadia."

"Oh, don't worry," Callum said to her, smiling. "I'm sure we'll get there in no time. It'll be easy. I'm sure we won't have to make any stops for anything, either-"

"Callum, Callum! I think I wiped my butt with poison ivy-"

"Oh my GOD Ezran. We will leave you."

"Plus I ate a handful of some berries I found and now my tummy hurts-"

"Oh no." Rayla paled.

" _Uhhhn my tummy_ -"

"EZRAAAAAN!"

-Episode 3 End-


	4. Episode 4: Bloodthorsty

The Dragon Brat

Episode 4

Bloodthorsty

The moon shone down on Rayla as she sat quietly on a rock, staring up at the starry night sky. Princes Callum and Ezran lay sprawled out on the grass nearby, snoring peacefully in the soft light of the Dragon Brat's egg. Sighing to herself, she scowled down at the white string around her wrist, tugging at it stubbornly. It didn't budge. Her scowl deepening, she began biting at the string, then cutting at it with her knives, then sawing with a hacksaw-

She froze when she noticed Bait staring at her.

"What're _you_ lookin' at, frog?" she snapped at him irritably. "You want some of this?" He continued to stare at her, unblinking. She glared right back, not backing down an inch. The silent standoff went on for a long moment, the air thick with tension and impending violence-

* _Snnnrrrrkkk_ *

"Oh. He's sleeping with his eyes open. I'm just a bitch." She flinched as a far off bell tolled in the night, glancing back at the sleeping Princes. "Oh my God, _SHHH_ , I just got them down, if they wake up now they'll never- _ohhh that's the funeral bell for their father ohhhh noooo now I really hope they don't wake up_ …" She paused, then resolutely pulled out a chainsaw.

-Meanwhile-

Back at the castle, Lord Viren was leading a funeral procession for the fallen King Harrow. Dozens of soldiers holding torches filed out of the castle after him, the bearers in the front carrying a black, rose-covered coffin. As the long file wound its way down the road, the citizens of Katolis lined the sides, their heads bowed in grief. Several people threw flowers in reverence, while others tossed undergarments.

"Really?" Viren asked after he dodged a bra. The perpetrator shrugged.

"Dude was hot."

"It's crazy to have a funeral so soon, Lord Viren!" a woman in a robe hissed at Viren. "It's tradition to mourn fallen Kings for seven sunsets! It hasn't even been _ten fucking minutes_ -"

"Bitch, do you want one, too?"

"ExCUSE me?"

"Doritos," Viren said, cutting her off. He shook the bag at her. "Want one? No?" He crammed a fistful into his mouth then went on, spraying crumbs. "Look, it's war-time, okay? We need to move on. Pretty soon we'll have plenty more corpses to deal with. I assure you, Opeli, I am being _nothing_ but completely respectful." He opened the King's coffin and tossed the crumpled up empty chip bag inside, letting it fall shut with a bang, and licked the cheesy dust from his fingers. "Okay, let's wrap this up. I've got some plotting to do."

"What?"

"Potting. I said I've got some potting to do. I'm starting a garden, it's very therapeutic. God, Opeli, clean your fucking ears."

The procession slowly made its way to a series of rocky cliffs, old, weathered statues standing tall along the edge of the road. Claudia and Soren walked amongst the mourners, yawning at the late hour.

"Why're you in your jam-jams?" Claudia asked.

"I'm up past my bedtime, what do you expect?" Soren adjusted his apple-print pajamas and check to see that his curlers will still straight. "Seriously, couldn't we have buried the guy in the _morning_? It's not like he was getting any deader." He hugged a teddy bear to his chest and yawned again.

"Here, drink this." Claudia poured him a small flask of steaming, dark brown liquid. "I call this…'nasty bean juice'!" Soren accepted the cup, gave it a cautious sniff, and took a sip.

"Hey, not bad- _Ihavetopoop_."

"Yes, that was my other name for it."

The funeral procession finally reached its destination, a stone platform with large unlit lamps. The bearers set the coffin down on the platform, the people of Katolis gathering round. Viren turned to address the crowd.

"Our King has been taken from us," he said, loud for all to hear, "slain by the forces of Xadia…vile _Moonshadow Elves_. We never even saw them coming-"

"Good one!" someone shouted from the crowd. "…Get it? Cuz they're INVISI-" There was a cacophony of annoyed shushes before Viren went on.

"To me…Harrow was _more_ than a King." Viren's voice thickened with emotion. "He was…my dear friend. He was a great ruler, a sensitive, affectionate man, and a gentle lover- wait WHAT who wrote this?" He held up his eulogy speech and squinted at the writing. "CLAUDIA!"

"You're welcome!"

"I am NOT thanking you!"

"Wait!" Opeli suddenly interrupted. "Where are the Princes? Why aren't they here?"

"Oh, don't worry, they'll be here shortly," Viren assured her. The crowd sighed in relief. "Cuz they're dead too." The crowd gasped. "Oh, did I forget to mention that? Cuz they are. Totally dead. They're so dead, in fact, that we can't even find their _bodies_. Like, _super-dead_." The crowd burst into sobs. "We must not let the Moonshadow Elves' actions go unpunished! We _must_ fight back!" He gestured at the Priestess. "Light the pyre!"

"No," Opeli refused, shaking her head.

"You _dare_ disobey-"

"No, actually, I forgot my matches, but you know what? Fuck you." She crossed her arms and glared at him.

"Claudia!" Viren cried, snapping his fingers. Claudia stepped forward, obediently pulling out a glass jar and releasing a large, black spider.

"Okay now I just need to chant the magic words and _oh shit where did it go_ -" Claudia froze, glancing around frantically, then froze again when she caught sight of the spider sitting in the middle of Soren's forehead. He stared back at her blankly.

"…What?"

"Don't move." She leaned forward slowly, then darted out a hand and squished the spider, its innards dribbling down Soren's face.

"…Was that a spider or a zit-"

Flames boiled up from the spider's remains, dramatically flying through the air to light the lanterns before setting the King's coffin ablaze.

"...You know you could've just used a match right-"

" _I will burn your eyebrows off_."

"When the ruler of Katolis dies," Viren said to the people of Katolis, a thick plume of smoke rising behind him, "we mourn for seven days. But we're at war, so fuck that! Tonight, there will be a _coronation_!" The crowd gasped in horror. "…With free drinks!" The crowd cheered.

-The Next Day-

Dawn had dispelled the night, giving way to a clear, beautiful morning. Callum sat under a tree in the warming sun, the orb in one hand, humming to himself as he drew in his sketchbook.

"Oh, are you drawing your orb thing? Can I see?" Rayla asked, popping up beside him and looking over his shoulder. He screamed and slammed the book shut.

"I wasn't- I didn't- it's not done yet!"

"…You were drawing more naked ladies, weren't you?"

" _No_!" He hotly protested, then paused for a beat. "…They're SEMI-naked. In a very artistic, tasteful way."

"Uh huh." Rayla sat down beside him. "Sure thing, Calvin. That's your name, right? Calvin?"

"Ezran said my name, like, a million times last night," Callum said, staring at her incredulously. "I'm pretty sure he _spelled_ it at one point."

"That's what he told me your name was."

"Of course he did." Callum glared over at Ezran, who sat nearby, doodling a tic-tac-toe on the Dragon Brat's egg to keep him entertained. Making a mental note to noogie his little brother at a later date, he raised the stone for Rayla to see. "Anyway, look! This prismatic stone-"

"Primal Stone."

"-holds the pure presence-"

"Pure essence."

"-of a primal soup-"

"Primal source." She smiled and patted his cheek. "Nice try, though. A for effort." He stared at her in horror.

"Oh _God_ is there gonna be a _quiz_ on this I haven't _studied_ at all I'm totally gonna _flunk_ EZRAN get over here so I can write a cheat sheet on you like in school-"

"Wait what-"

"He pays me in tarts!" Ezran said happily, already pulling off his shirt. "Look, here's last semester's mid-term!"

"Whoops. Must have used a permanent marker for that one." His nose wrinkled in disgust. "That or you haven't bathed since then. Not sure I want to know which."

"Here." Rayla reached out and took Callum's sketchbook, ignoring his piercing screech, and flipped it open to find an empty page. "Ew, ew, EW- WHAT THE _FUCK_ IS _THAT_ OKAY OH MY GOD FORGET IT." She threw the book back at him in disgust. "…I'll just…draw in the dirt." She grabbed a stick and started scribbling. "So. All magic in the world comes from the six Primal Sources. They're the original and purest forms of magical energy." She sketched a symbol for each source into the soft dirt. "The sun, moon, stars, earth, ocean and-"

" _LOVE_!" Ezran cried excitedly.

"Cute, but no."

"Aww…"

"The _sky_ ," she finished. "To cast a spell, a mage needs primal energy. Like, for that wind spell you did, you'd need a storm or a strong breeze-"

"Or a fart!"

"One more outburst like that young man and I'll have to give you detention-"

"He's not wrong," Callum admitted, a haunted look in his eyes.

"That's it, you're both staying after class." Rayla huffed impatiently. "What I'm getting at is that with that stone, you have all the power of the sky, anytime you want! Primal Stones are _incredibly_ rare and highly sought after, so make SURE you don't misuse it in any way-"

Callum froze in the act of rubbing the orb against Ezran, the boy's arms up, his hair standing on end from the static electricity. Rayla glared at them.

"Okay maybe _I_ should be the one who holds it-"

"But I'm going Super Saiyan! IT'S OVER NINE THOUUUUSAAAND-"

"Wait, hold on!" Callum stared down at the sketches in the dirt, thinking hard. "I _swear_ I've seen these before, at the Banther Lodge! There was this little cube thing with these symbols on it, I'm sure of it! It might be magic." He jumped to his feet. "We _have_ to go get it!"

"Field trip!" Ezran cried excitedly.

"Hold on!" Rayla stopped them short. "Are you kidding me? You really want us to put a halt on our _very_ important task of stopping a WAR and go trolloping off to your little lodge to find some toy box, just on the off chance that it _might_ be magic? Are you really that brainless?"

"…I think you know the answer to that-"

"Yeah you're right it was a stupid question." Rayla groaned in frustration. "We don't have time for this! Have you forgotten about the egg? Returning the Dragon Brat should be our top priority. Doesn't _he_ get a say?"

"He says we should go, too," Ezran said, his ear pressed against the egg. "Also he's bored and wants someone to put the radio on. I'll start singing. _Shorty I DON'T_ -"

"Alright he doesn't get a say."

"Look, Xadia is to the east," Callum argued, grabbing his things and stuffing them into his pack. "So is the lodge! We're heading in that direction anyway! We'll just pop in for five minutes and pop right back out! Easy!"

"Oh, really?" Rayla cocked an eyebrow at him. "And what if it's _infested_ with a certain type of _vermin_ that could be very problematic for us?"

"Then we'll put down some traps and poison, no big deal-"

"You'd POISON other Humans?!"

"What? Oh my God, no! I thought you meant, like, mice or something." He paused. "…I mean it would still _work_ -"

" _Calvin_!"

"It's CALLUM! And anyway, it's the winter lodge, it's been empty for months! Trust me, okay?" Rayla stubbornly crossed her arms and looked away. Callum sighed, his shoulders sagging. "Listen, Rayla. Princes…are supposed to be _good_ at things, like sword-fighting, or leadership, or kissing unconscious Princesses without consent, right?"

"Yeah, so?"

"Well, I'm good...at being _horrible_ at everything."

"It's true." Ezran stated. "I've seen him try to hit on a girl and actually _hit_ her."

"There was a bee- you are not _helping_ , Ezran." Callum turned back to Rayla, his eyes wide and pleading. "Please. I just…wanna be a-mage-ing at _something_."

"…Ugh, FINE. We can go," Rayla finally gave in. Callum and Ezran cheered and high-fived. "…But only if you never use that stupid pun again."

"OH GOD THAT'S A HARD DECISION I REALLY DO LOVE THAN PUN- okay deal, let's go! Thank you so much-" Callum went to hug her and accidentally socked her in the jaw. "Oh god I am SO sorry-"

"See, I told you!"

-Later-

The trio tromped through the woods, the sun warming their backs. Birds chirped in the trees and a pleasant breeze ruffled their hair. All was well. Naturally, it wasn't long before the complaining started.

"Ughhh, my feet are tired. Can we take a break? I'm hungry. I'm like a Hobbit, I have to eat a meal, like, ten times a day. Seriously, can we take a break already? This is child abuse, I'm calling Social Services-"

" _Ezran_." Callum halted, turning to stare down at him intently. "We have been walking for FIVE minutes."

"Well, you're not carrying a twenty-pound egg!"

"That's because _you won't let anyone else hold it_."

"Exactly. See my point?"

"I give up." Callum threw his hands up in defeat.

"Calm down," Rayla said, stepping between them. "Here. If you're thirsty, drink this." She held out a glass jar filled with red liquid. Callum gasped aloud.

"What is WRONG with you don't give him THAT-"

"Oh, what? You think it's blood or something?! You think that us Moonshadow Elves are bloodthirsty monsters, is that it?! You racist piece of-"

"…Actually no I thought you might be a raging alcoholic-"

"…I don't know which one is worse." Rayla glared at him while she handed Ezran the jar. "It's moonberry juice."

"…Oh." Callum relaxed. "Sorry to assume-"

" _Which I just remembered is alcoholic to Humans son of a bitch_ -"

Ezran choked on a mouthful, some of it squirting out his nose.

" _I'M GONNA GET ARRESTED FOR UNDERAGE DRINKING AND THEY'RE GONNA TAKE MY BABY AWAY NOOOO_ -"

After wasting fifteen minutes convincing a wailing Ezran that he was not, in fact, going to jail, they continued on through the woods, finally arriving at a large, open area. The Banther Lodge sat in the clearing, an impressive, sprawling wood cabin with multiple levels. Everything was still and quiet.

"See? Nobody's here!" Callum said smugly. "I told you!"

"You also told me that leaf was safe to wipe with," Rayla replied, dead-pan. "I still have a rash." Callum winced in sympathy. "Just tell me where that stupid thing is so I can go get it."

"Okay, it's in the pantry, second shelf on the-"

"I am NOT getting you any food, Ezran."

"But my tarts have all crumbled and congealed into one solid mass!" Ezran raised his pack and shook it. It sounded disturbingly solid.

"Just think of it as one huge tart," Callum suggested.

"… _Mega tart_ ," Ezran whispered, his eyes shining.

"Here. It's in the game room." Callum held out a hastily drawn map. "Oh and while you're in there do you think you could check the thermostat I feel like we forgot to put it down when we-" Rayla snarled at him. " _Okay cool nevermind just the box is fine thank you so much really appreciate it_." She snatched the paper away, glared one last time, and dashed out across the clearing. She easily leapt up onto one of the lower roofs, found an open window, and slipped inside.

"…She literally could've just walked in the front, we keep a key under the mat," Callum stated, then shook his head and took a deep breath. "All right! This was a great idea, everything's going wonderfully!" Ezran hiccupped. "… _Most_ things are going wonderfully! There isn't anyone here…at the location that we were being sent to by the King…to protect us from the evil Elf assassins…" He stared unblinking for a long moment. "…Why do I feel like I've made a horrible mistake-"

A loud, booming blat suddenly cut him off, ringing through the air and their ears.

"Wow, Callum, was that you? I am _seriously_ impressed-"

"That wasn't me, Ezran!"

"Oh. You're still a disappointment to me then." Ezran gazed up at him sadly.

"What the fu- OH MY GOD WHO IS THAT." Callum gaped in horror as a group of soldiers on horseback emerged from the trees, blowing their horn again. He grabbed Ezran's hand and together they hurried to block them from entering the lodge. Ezran hurriedly tucked the egg back under his shirt again, uneasily watching the group approach.

The lead soldier smoothly dismounted their horse and removed their helmet, revealing a middle-aged woman with black hair and a scar on her cheek.

"Aunt Amaya!" the Princes cried in delight/horror.

Amaya's face split into a wide grin, and she tossed her helmet over her shoulder, pegging one of the soldiers. She ran over to the boys and swept them up in a crushing bear hug. She put the boys down and began using sign language.

" _Have you gained weight_?" her translator, a light-haired man with freckles, said aloud for her.

"Hey Gren- what? Oh! Yeah, he's been eating tarts nonstop," Callum said, chuckling nervously as he ruffled Ezran's hair. "The King's getting a little worried."

"Actually, I'm pregnant and I've made the decision to keep it, so-" Ezran began.

" _Hold that thought_ ," Amaya signed, having caught sight of the open window at the front of the lodge. Her eyes narrowed with suspicion as she started towards the door, instantly on red-alert.

"Hey!" Callum jumped in her way. "Hold on! Uhh…could you teach me some more swearwords in sign language? Ezran, too!" Ezran made the sign for 'asshole'.

" _Later_." Amaya moved past the boys. Callum kept trying.

"Oh wait I just remembered that door is locked we can't go in that way-" Amaya picked up the key from under the mat. "- _son of a bitch_ -" She viciously head-butted the door open, sending it flying off its hinges. "…Why did you get the key then-"

" _Someone is here_ ," Gren translated as they walked inside, Amaya scanning the interior of the lodge with a sharp eye.

"What makes you think that?" Callum asked innocently. There was a loud THUD from upstairs, followed by muffled swearing. "…That's probably just a squirrel."

"Really?"

" _No, not really, Ezran_ \- I mean…" He cleared his throat. "I just think it would be polite if PEOPLE COMING INSIDE could take off their shoes because THINGS COULD GET MESSY and we don't want to have to LEAVE EARLY because it's dirty or have you guys ABORT MISSION-"

" _Why are you shouting_?"

"What? What do you mean I'm shouting? I'm going through puberty, I totally can't control it. By all means, COME INSIDE GENERAL AMAYA AND HEAVILY ARMED HUMAN TROOPS WHO PROBABLY WOULD NOT REACT WELL AT ALL TO A MOONSHADOW ELF IF THERE WERE ONE HERE- where's that alarm bell that we ring when there's an emergency-"

"Dad had it removed after I used it one too many times as an alarm clock," Ezran told him. "I wanted waffles."

"Dammit Ezran-" Callum glanced up and saw Rayla clinging to the rafters, glaring at him. "I mean…everyone makes mistakes. And you know what? I _forgive_ you, cuz that's what friends do. _Forgive_ each other." Rayla glared harder. Groaning internally, Callum tapped Amaya on the shoulder before she could head for the stairs. She looked back at him questioningly. "Uhh…Ezran has something to tell you." He shoved his little brother forward, who stared up at Amaya with big eyes.

"I'm an alcoholic," he said matter-of-factly.

"Well that backfired-"

" _Boys, what is going ON_ -"

"He's just hungry is all!" Callum burst out. "We…haven't had breakfast."

General Amaya gasped in horror, then punched a fist through the cupboard door. She pulled out a baguette and squinted at it in appraisal.

" _This food is a little stale_ ," she signed, smacking it against the counter. It split in half with a crunch. The counter, not the baguette. _"…I'm keeping this._ "

"So, um…what brings you here?" Callum asked curiously as he and Ezran sat at the dining table. "Not that we mind, of course, it's just that we could have used a little WARNING or HEADS UP-"

"Callum, she knows, I don't think you have to yell anymore-"

"I just wanna yell, okay? It makes me feel better. I'm very stressed right now."

" _I received a messenger bird from the King yesterday_ ," Gren translated as Amaya held up a scroll. Callum's hand immediately went for his, and he gasped as he realized it was gone.

"GOD what else can go wrong-"

"General Amaya!" a soldier suddenly called from upstairs. "We've found an Elf!" The Princes stiffened in horror. "…on a shelf! Must have been left over from Christmas or something. Can we put it up on the fireplace?"

"Jesus I think I peed a little." Callum sagged in his chair. "This day cannot get ANY worse-"

"WE HAVE AN INTRUDER!" another soldier bellowed, stomping into the room. The Princes froze again. The man held up a ladybug. "Look at this cute lil' guy. Go, be free!" He opened a window and let it fly away.

"Okay, now I KNOW I peed a little." Callum looked at Amaya, desperate to change the subject. "So, uh…what did the message say?" Gren unrolled the scroll and began to read.

"Butter, milk, eggs-"

"He sent you his _grocery list_? Oh my God not again-"

" _Oh no, it's written in highly sophisticated code_ ," Amaya signed back. " _It translates to: General Amaya, we have uninvited guests. No, not the in-laws, nothing so bad as that. Just Moonshadow Elves coming to assassinate me. Rude. Go to the Banther Lodge, the boys will be there. Keep them safe. I'll pay the usual rate. Also, I know this is a bit redundant but could you please pick up some milk, we're all out. Ezran keeps drinking it all_."

"I'm a growing boy!" Ezran stated proudly. "I need strong arms so I give the best hugs."

" _Don't worry. You're safe now, boys_ ," Amaya signed to them. Ezran reached forward and tried cutting the bread on her sword. It snapped cleanly in half. The sword, not the baguette. "… _Okay seriously I'm keeping that_."

-Later-

Later that day, General Amaya's troops patrolled the Banther lodge, both inside and out. A pair was busy fixing the ruined front door while others made sure the building was secure.

"Can you guys put in a little doggie door so Bait can go outside and piddle?" Ezran was asking the pair at the door. "He has a sensitive bladder."

" _Uuuuggghhh_ , this is all my fault, we should've never come here," Callum groaned to himself, slumped on a couch and watching the commotion.

"But we found Aunt Amaya," Ezran said, wandering over. "Hey, maybe we should tell her about Rayla and the egg-"

"What? No! No way! That's an awful idea. Look, I know that she's our aunt, but I think she's a little bit… _racist_." He leaned closer to Ezran, whispering in his ear. "One time I heard her say that she thought Elves were _elegant_." He sat back and shook his head sadly. "Sorry, but it just won't work. Humans and Elves don't trust each other, and that's not gonna magically change overnight." He paused. "Until we bring the egg back to Xadia, and then it does. Anyway. We should find Rayla and get out of here."

"Okay, that's easy," Ezran said, then took a deep breath. "RAYLAAAAA-"

" _EZRAN WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING_ -"

"Aww, look at the little Prince, playing with his imaginary friend!" The soldiers all cooed. "So cute!"

"Suckers." Ezran grinned back at Callum and winked.

"You're terrifying."

"Wrong. I'm adorable. _RAAAAAYLA_ -"

-Meanwhile-

Rayla slipped through the lodge on silent feet, sneaking around soldiers patrolling the hallways and hiding from sight. A lampshade on her head served as a perfect disguise, and the soldiers strolled right past. Finally arriving at a door, she slipped inside.

"It's the _winter_ lodge, Rayla, no-one will be there!" she muttered mockingly, rolling her eyes. "I draw boobs all the time despite never having seen a real one! Mehhh!" She shook her head and, checking her map, discovered that she had found the game room. She began to search through the clutter, sifting through sleds, board games, and old toys. After a brief pause to play with a light-saber and make accompanying sound effects, she found a small, engraved box and snatched it up. She dumped out the contents, revealing some keys and a strange cube with symbols on its sides.

"Alright, found it! Now I can-" Rayla turned around, coming fact-to-face with General Amaya. The two stared at each other for a long, silent moment. "…Did you want to play me or-"

General Amaya snarled fiercely, raising one arm and smashing down-

A chess piece.

"Oh, it's ON, bitch," Rayla said, her eyes narrowing. The following battle was horrific. No quarter was taken, no mercy shown. The casualties were many, none were spared. A complete _bloodbath_ -

"Checkmate!"

General Amaya sat back, scowling in frustration. Rayla smiled smugly, crossing her arms. After a pause, Amaya angrily swept the board and pieces away, then held up a box of checkers. Rayla sighed.

"Alright, fine. Best two out of three."

The second battle raged on. Blows were exchanged, losses taken. Both sides fought fiercely until one victor reigned supreme-

"King me!"

Rayla triumphantly threw her arms up. General Amaya kicked over the table and began to sign.

"Uh, sorry, I don't understand sign language," Rayla said bluntly.

Amaya sighed and held up a finger for her to wait. She got up, punched the door off its hinges, and walked out. Rayla waited. Several minutes later, Amaya returned, put the door back on, closed it, punched it open again, then walked in with Gren in tow.

"Aww, now we're gonna have to fix _this_ door too-" Gren cut off as Amaya started to sign again. " _Would you like to play…Pin the Elf…to the Wall?_ "

"Pin the Elf to the Wall? I'm sorry, I don't know that one- ACK!" General Amaya slammed her shield forward, pinning Rayla to the wall by her neck. "Oh, okay. _Now_ the name makes sense." She looked up to see Amaya cocking a fist and gulped. "…Best three out of five?"

* _Whack_!*

"Gosh, ma'am, you're so good at that game," Gren said as Rayla slumped over, unconscious. "You have the high score and everything." He paused. "Also, the Princes are missing again." Amaya stomped her foot and began signing like crazy. "…That is the filthiest thing I've ever heard."

-Later-

Evening was falling, the sky darkening to dusk as Rayla finally awakened. She groaned and looked up to find herself tied to a wooden beam in the middle of a room. General Amaya and Gren stood before her, faces grim.

" _Alright, Elf_ ," Gren translated for Amaya, " _TALK_."

"Okay, sure," Rayla replied pleasantly. "Here, I'll even sign it to you." She held up both middle fingers.

" _Your accent is terrible_." Amaya glared at her. She turned to several soldiers in the back. " _There might be more of them. If so, Princes are in danger. Do NOT take your eyes off of her, even for a second. Don't even BLINK._ " She and Gren left the room, the two remaining soldiers staring unblinkingly at Rayla for several long moments.

"…Oh no, I feel a sneeze coming on!"

"Don't do it, man! Don't do it!"

Rayla rolled her eyes.

One floor up, the missing Prince's huddled together in a quiet room, carrying out a well thought-out and cunning plan.

"This is one of your weirdest ideas yet," Callum grumbled as he slowly lowered the dumbwaiter. "And I've seen you pretend to give birth."

"Shhh! Don't let him know he's adopted. Anyway, don't worry," Ezran assured him, helping him with the rope. "She'll know what to do."

Bait was slowly lowered into sight, sitting amiably in the dumbwaiter. Rayla and the two soldiers just stared at him in silence, dumbfounded.

"…I have absolutely no idea what to do-"

Bait exploded with light, the brilliant flash blinding all three of them.

" _AAAAAA_ \- oh, NOW I know- _AAAAAA_ -"

Callum and Ezran stood by the dumbwaiter's opening, hearing a cacophony of screams come up the shaft, Rayla's included.

"Yeah, okay, she didn't know what to do," Ezran admitted. "I _knew_ I should have gone with Operation Mega-Tart-"

" _Will you stop feeding people your nasty tarts man_ -"

"Ga- _CHOO_!" The guard finally sneezed, his head snapping forward violently. He cracked heads with the other guard, knocking them both unconscious, and collapsed. Rayla's confiscated knives fell out of the guard's pocket, snapped open, bounced, spun through the air, and slammed into the post, slicing her free.

"…I'm so mad I wasn't able to see that!" Rayla cried in outrage. Feeling around blindly, she scooped up Bait and exited the room, stumbling towards the stairs. She ran into Callum and Ezran, literally, and all three tumbled to the bottom in a pile of limbs.

"Alright, who's horrible idea was that?!" Rayla demanded, sitting up. "I'm looking at you, Callum." She squinted an eye open. "All…FOUR of you."

"It was mine, actually."

"Oh well then you did your best sweetie." She patted Ezran on the head. "Now come on!" Together, they ran out of the lodge into the deepening night. Soldiers caught sight of them and hurried to intercept, pulling out weapons. They were quickly surrounded and forced to come to a halt, arrows bristling from all sides.

" _Game over!_ " General Amaya stepped forward, signing. _"I win this one, Elf. Boys, come here."_

"This could get ugly," Rayla said under her breath.

"We should just _tell_ her!" Ezran hissed, tugging at Callum's sleeve.

"No, wait, I have a better idea!" Callum stepped away from the others and started signing. Amaya face grew paler as he continued, and she gaped in shock when he finished.

"…What? What did you just say?" Rayla asked, confused.

"He said…" Gren answered quietly, "if we don't let you go, you'll kill them and drink their blood. That you're… a _monster_." Everyone gasped. Amaya began to sign, Gren translating.

" _Callum…that is a HORRIBLY racist thing to say, I am VERY disappointed in you. Go sit in the corner, you're in timeout._ "

"Callum what the hell!" Rayla glared at him in fury.

"Oh, so now _I'm_ the racist one?!"

"At least you're woke about it," Ezran said. Callum gaped at him.

"Look, just let us go!" Rayla begged. "I don't want to hurt anyone-" An arrow shot through the air, whipping past her face and neatly slicing off one of her braids. "…Except whoever the fuck did that. You're fucking dead, that was my favorite braid-"

" _Hold_!" Amaya glared back at her troops. " _Which one of you was premature_?" They all looked at the ground, shame-faced. " _It's not a big deal, plenty of men have the same problem, especially when they get older_ -"

"Enough!" Rayla cried. "Back off, or…" She paused, searching. "Or…I'll use the bread on them!" She pulled out the dreaded baguette and brandished it menacingly.

" _Back off, men_!" Amaya quickly signed, taking a step back. " _She's got a deadly weapon_!" Her men obediently fell back. Rayla hauled her hostages away, the two doing their best to pretend to be scared.

"Oh, no! Help us! She's stealing us away- hold my hand, Rayla, we're crossing the road- help us! _Heeeelp_!"

"Ow. Whatever shall we do? Ow- _okay, that actually really hurts, Rayla_ -"

" _Good_ ," she growled at him, squeezing his arm tighter. She dragged the pair down some stairs to a small wharf. The two boys immediately jumped into the waiting boat while Rayla hesitated.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing," Rayla said quickly. "It's just…no lifejackets? Is that thing up to code? Seriously not even a pair of floaties-"

"We don't have time for this!" Callum grabbed her hand and hauled her into the boat. The current took them, the rowboat moving down the river, under a stone bridge. Several of Amaya's soldiers watched from above, crying and waving handkerchiefs in farewell. One threw a handful of confetti.

" _If she realizes we've followed them, she'll kill them for sure_ ," Amaya signed to her soldiers. " _We need to be careful. Corvus_!" A dark-skinned man with a ponytail stepped forward, saluting smartly. " _You are the best huntsman in the land. Track them down, but don't let them see you. Try and free the boys when you can_." He nodded, licked a finger to test the wind, then picked up a pile of horse droppings and took a big whiff. _"…Why would you need to smell that_ -" He turned, began following his own footsteps, then promptly ran into a tree. He stood up, wobbling a little, and staggered off into the woods. " _The rest of you, ride with me_." She paused. " _But first, who needs to use the bathroom? Hands up_." Everyone raised their hands. " _You guys are worse than a group of pre-schoolers_."

-With the Kiddos-

"Oh my GOD, I can't believe that worked," Callum sighed in relief, flopping down into the boat as they drifted along the river.

"I CAN believe you're such an _ASSHOLE_!" Rayla shot back, sitting in the front with her hood up. She glared back at him sulkily. "Those things you said about me really hurt my feelings! You're awful!"

"Yeah, Callum!" Ezran agreed. "You're being a terrible role model to my young impressionable mind!"

"What? No, _I'm_ not the racist one! Rayla, please. I didn't actually _mean_ any of those things, I was just trying to scare Aunt Amaya using HER latent racism, not mine. I'm sorry, Rayla, really! Rayla? Hey, don't pretend like you don't hear me, you can't _not_ with those ears- _oh my God I'm doing it again_ -" Rayla flung the cube at him, cracking him right between the eyes and stopping him short.

"Your stupid box thing is just a _toy_ anyway," she said acidly. "It was a complete waste of time. I hope it was worth putting everyone's lives in danger."

Callum's shoulders slumped in shame, the cube falling from his hands. It bounced under the seat and landed next to the Primal Stone, where it began to glow with a soft light.

"I DON'T CARE IF IT IS MAGIC I'M STILL MAD-"

-Back at the Castle-

Back at the castle, Lord Viren was busy getting ready for his upcoming formal announcement to the citizens of Katolis. He stood in his chambers, several guards standing nearby, helping him get dressed.

"I don't care if it makes you feel uncomfortable, tell me how my butt looks in these pants-"

"Dad, seriously! Wrap it UP," Soren interrupted, appearing in the doorway. "Not just talking about your smelly old man junk, either. It's almost time to crown the new King!"

"Alright, fine, I don't need you idiots to tell me it's a ten, I already know." Viren shooed the guards away, scowling at his son. "Since when are you my secretary?"

"Since you fired Claudia for that _touching_ eulogy." Soren took a sip of his drink. "So, who's the sad sack who got stuck with the job-"

"Me."

Soren spat his drink out on an unfortunate guard.

"YOU? You're gonna be King?" He sputtered for a moment, then stopped. "Ohmigosh wait this is great can you Knight me I wanna be known as Sir Gala-badASS-"

"What's with you? Why are you so…jittery?" Viren eyed his son suspiciously. "Have you been drinking too many protein shakes again-"

"Oh, it's not that! I've been drinking Claudia's 'Nasty Bean Water' and I've been awake for twenty-four hours, non-stop!" He paused. "Also pooping-"

"Oh God, not you too." Viren groaned, rubbing his face. He walked over to stare patronizingly at King Harrow's pet bird, Pip, locked away in his cage. "What, no song today?" he asked mockingly. Pip stared at him in silence, then let out a long, piercing fart. "…That's close enough!"

Taking a deep breath, Lord Viren checked his butt in the mirror one last time, then stepped through the doors and out onto a balcony. The people of the kingdom were gathered beneath, waiting to hear any news.

"People of Katolis!" He said grandly, his voice carrying across the courtyard. "I know it's been hard, losing our beloved King, as well as his sons, our Princes, because they are, in fact, and once again, totally super dead. I mean, what a coincidence, us not having any heirs to the throne or anything, leaving it totally up for grabs. What a dick move. But we can't let ourselves falter now, we must fight back! Though it is a _heavy_ burden, I will _humbly_ take up the battle in Harrow's name. _I_ shall become Lord protector of the realm! Do _not_ thank me!"

There was a long, awkward silence from the crowd.

"…You really don't _have_ to," someone said. "Like, someone else could do it. Literally _anyone_ else-"

"Shut the fuck up! I'm doing it anyway!"

"Shouldn't we at least _vote_ -"

"This isn't American Idol! Crown me already!" Viren turned from the crowd, scowling. The citizens began to mutter to themselves as Opeli came forward, a sour look on her face, the golden crown in her hands.

"Okay, bend over-"

"Have I mentioned that I'm looking for a new High Priestess?"

"Kneel. I meant kneel." Opeli scowled unhappily. Lord Viren knelt, his head bowed as she leaned forward. The crown brushed his hair-

A loud, booming blat suddenly sounded, freezing everyone in place.

"GoDAMMIT Claudia that is the _worst_ timing-"

"It wasn't me, Dad! Honest!"

Lord Viren looked up to see General Amaya and Gren come riding in on horses, reigning them to a halt in the middle of the crowd.

" _Stop the coronation_!" Gren translated as Amaya signed frantically. " _The Princes are ALIVE_!" Viren drew in a hissing breath.

" _Those stupid motherfucking_ -"

Everyone turned to stare at him.

"... _ELVES_ didn't kill the kids! That's _great_ news!" He managed a constipated smile, one eye twitching. "Where are those little rascals? I just wanna…HUG 'em to death."

-Episode 4 End-


	5. Episode 5: An Empty Bone

The Dragon Brat

Episode 5

An Empty Bone

Night had fallen at the castle of Katolis. A mysterious figure, cloaked in shadows, walked into a darkened room, locking the door behind them. After a short pause, the figure walked further into the chamber towards-

* _Bang_!*

"Ow! Son of a-" They winced as they banged their elbow, then continued forward to-

* _Thud_!*

"MOTHER-" This time they had stubbed their toe. They took a deep breath before taking another step-

* _Crash_!*

They had tripped over a chair.

"Okay, screw this!" The figure reached out and snapped on a light. Lord Viren angrily brushed himself off and fixed his hair, then made his way over to the bookshelf along the wall. He pressed a book, and the shelf swung around to reveal-

A pile of ladies underwear.

" _Godammit wrong secret shelf_ -"

He hurriedly pressed another switch, the bookshelf spinning around again to reveal a slender tree with shining leaves. Glowing butterflies fluttered about the branches.

Whistling cheerily, Viren snatched up a couple butterflies and tossed them into a blender, then slapped a lid on top.

* _VVVVRRRRRRR_!*

A few minutes later, he walked out of his chambers, a mug in hand. Happily humming the Folgers theme song, he took a sip of his drink and walked off, a skip in his step.

-The Next Morning-

Far away from the castle, a familiar rowboat was pulled up onto dry land, Prince Ezran and Rayla spread out on the grass nearby, fast asleep. Callum sat up with the strange cube, studying it curiously in the dawn light. He held his Primal Stone up to it and watched as the corresponding symbol glowed in response. The same happened with Bait. Grinning mischievously, he snuck closer to Rayla, leaning over her and watching as the Moon symbol lit up. Her arm suddenly shot out grabbed him by the throat.

" _Gak_! Rayla! Stop! It's me!" he choked out.

"Oh, I know." Rayla opened her eyes and glared up at him. "Any particular reason you're leaning over me and breathing heavily while I'm sleeping?" She paused. "Other than being your creepy, teenage self, I mean."

"Sorry," Callum wheezed as she finally released him. "I was just trying out my cube. You know, my _magic_ cube that's _magic_ and responds to other magic sources… _magically_."

"Ugh, okay! I get it! It's not completely useless." Callum smiled triumphantly. "It can also work as a night light."

"MAGICAL night light," he corrected.

"Whatever it's still just a fucking night light, Callum." Bait eyed the cube angrily, making plans to take care of the competition. Rayla sighed and stood up. "Well, I'm going to find some breakfast."

"Wait we already _have_ food-" Callum turned to the bag. Ezran sat there, frozen, his cheeks full and eyes wide. "…Okay yeah if you find some food that would be great."

"Wasn't that bread hard as rocks?" Rayla asked in confusion. "How did you chew it?"

"Don't underestimate me," Ezran said solemnly, his mouth full, then swallowed. Callum grimaced.

"You are going to _shit bricks_."

-Back at the Castle-

Lord Viren threw open the large double doors to the throne room and slowly walked in, eyeing the empty throne coyly, his shirt slipping open to reveal one old-man shoulder.

"Hey, baby. Come here often?" He paused to put on a record of smooth jazz and lit some scented candles. "It's just you and me, now…and I can't WAIT to-"

" _Are you sex-talking a chair_?" a voice translated from behind. There was a record-scratch, and Viren whirled around to find General Amaya and Gren standing there, the needle lifted off the record.

"Well that certainly killed the mood-"

" _We need to talk_ ," Gren translated as Amaya signed. Viren snickered.

"I believe that's a rather poor choice of-"

" _Finish that, and my fists do the talking_."

Viren wisely shut the fuck up.

-Back in the Woods-

Rayla walked through the peaceful forest, snacking on a handful of berries she'd found on a bush.

"You'd think I'd have learned my lesson by now," she muttered to herself, patting her stomach. She slipped through a break in the trees and sat at the edge of a cliff, looking broodily out at the surrounding landscape. She glanced down at the white thread around her wrist. "I should be far enough away for them not to hear me…" She pulled out a jackhammer.

"Help! _HEEEELP_!"

Rayla gasped, jumping to her feet in a rush. She leapt into the trees, dashing across branches and flipping down into their makeshift camp, knives drawn and at the ready.

" _What is it who is it who do I need to kill_ -"

"I think a spider crawled into my bedroll!" Callum wailed, pointing fearfully at his blanket. "Could you check for me?"

"…Okay so, you. I need to kill you."

"What? No! Just kill the spider!"

"Why? _It_ hasn't done anything wrong."

"Yeah, Callum!" Ezran joined in. "It has just as much right to live as you!"

"Ugh, nevermind! I'll take care of it myself! I'll just copy Claudia's lightning spell." Callum pulled out the Primal Stone and the cube, holding one in each hand. He chanted a word and the orb and cube both lit up, bolts of lighting shooting out in a surge, sparking around him like a miniature storm. He froze in place, not moving for several long moments.

"…What are you waiting for?" Ezran asked after a pause.

"…Well I can't do it with you two _looking_."

"Fine." Ezran and Rayla turned around and waited. Still nothing. "Okay seriously what's _wrong_ -"

"Nothing! I'm just thinking that it's a living thing and maybe it _doesn't_ deserve to die-"

"You don't remember how to finish it, do you," Rayla stated.

"Yes I do! I remember _perfectly_ well-"

"Your hands are smoking."

"I smell bacon!" Ezran cried excitedly.

" _Oh God that's my palms cooking help me please_ -"

"Wait, you mean _no bacon_?!"

"Both of you, calm down!" Rayla shouted over them.

"Look, I only know the first half of the spell, okay?" Callum admitted, still not daring to move as the sparks shot all around him. "But I'm _very_ good at that half! That's a passing grade, right?"

"No, it absolutely is not," Rayla said. "Are you _sure_ you went to school?"

"This is serious! I don't know what to do now!" Callum went on. "I only saw the first part! Claudia said something like, 'fool' or 'full'-"

"Yeah, both work with you," Rayla snorted. "Fool _or_ full of it. Listen, when you release a spell, there's usually a word or a phrase in ancient Draconic."

"Okay, cool! Anybody here speak Dragon?" He and Rayla both paused, then looked at Ezran, who was cooing at the Dragon Brat's egg.

"Hey, don't look at me!" he cried. "I don't _actually_ know what he's saying. It's just make-believe!"

"…You made me sing lullabies to him last night," Rayla said slowly. "For an _hour_."

"Yeah, that was for me. I was having trouble sleeping."

"You told me he needed a _massage_!" Callum shouted in outrage. "I rubbed his egg until my hands were _raw_! I still have calluses!"

"Yeah, I was just messing with you."

"That's it I'm gonna fry you _and_ your stupid egg-"

"Hold on!" Rayla stopped him. "I know some words in Draconic- mostly swears, but, maybe there's something that'll work. Just let me think…"

"Please hurry, I'm getting all _tingly_ here, and not in a good way," Callum begged. Suddenly his eyes lit up. "Hey! You know what? I just thought of a great idea!"

"No! Do NOT throw it!"

"…You don't know that was what I'm going to do!"

"Yes, I do." Rayla glared at him. "You're an idiot. You were going to throw it."

"I was not going to _throw_ it! I'm not _stupid_!" Callum shouted back, then paused. "…It was going to be more of a gentle underhand _toss,_ really-"

"I don't care what it is! DON'T do it!"

"Throw it to me!" Ezran cried, jumping up and down excitedly and waving a catcher's mitt. "I'm open, I'm open!"

"Go long!" Callum pulled an arm back to throw.

"NO! Stop! Don't you dare! Timeout!" Rayla blew a whistle shrilly, then turned to glare at Ezran. "Go sit down, you're in timeout." Ezran slumped in disappointment and walked away. "Now, Callum. Let's just take a moment here to think, CAREFULLY, of how to get out of this situation. Why don't we-"

" _Gah-CHOO_!" Callum suddenly sneezed violently, the Primal Stone flying out of his hands. Rayla's athletic instincts kicked in and she snatched the orb out of the air. The crowd cheered and did the wave. There was a flash of brilliant light and a deafening crack. Wincing, Callum slowly opened his eyes to see Rayla holding the Primal Stone, her hair smoking and standing on end, sparking with electricity.

"Oh thank God you're alive-"

" _You_ won't be for long," Rayla snarled out through gritted teeth, holding the orb up. " _This_ is going down your throat." Callum gulped. "And the cube is going up your _ass_." Callum choked. " _And they're going to meet in the middle_." Callum went pale.

"Yeah, you're dead," Ezran stated. "There's no running from the legendary Super Saiyan. Her power level is _definitely_ over nine thousand. Not even the Dragon Balls could save you now." He paused. "Can I have all your stuff?"

"This is ridiculous," Rayla growled, attempting to fix her hair and only succeeding in shocking herself. "You're a better assassin than _I_ am through sheer _stupidity_."

"I'm sorry, I'm just so excited to be learning magic that I got a little carried away," Callum said with sincerity. Rayla relaxed. "…Nnnnow give it back so I can try again-"

"Absolutely NOT! The sooner we return the Egg, the sooner I can get away from you- I mean…end this war. Now let's go already."

"Okay, okay," Callum sighed in defeat. "Come on, everyone in the boat."

"Wait, what? The boat?" Rayla blinked at him. "But I swear I disposed of it properly-"

"Yeah, _somebody_ forgot to tie it up last night," Ezran said. "But it washed up on shore anyway!"

" _Lucky son of a bitch_ ," Rayla muttered under her breath, then noticed them staring at her. "I mean…we are such a lucky sons of bitches!"

"Do you…not like the boat or something?" Callum asked, curious.

"I like the boat just fine!" she snapped back. "Why can't we just _walk_ , though? We have perfectly good legs." She paused, looking him up and down. "I mean, other than you and your twiggy ankles. If anything, the walk will do you good."

" _I have an acceptable knee to shin ratio_ \- listen, Rayla. Is there something you're not telling us?" Callum gave her a serious look. She froze, her eyes darting about nervously.

"What? Of course not! I'm being _completely_ open and honest with you guys about everything!" She hesitated. "…I think I might be getting a hemorrhoid from all the pooping-"

"Okay too open." Callum held up a hand to stop her.

"Listen, I am NOT scared of the boat!" Rayla argued hotly, then paused. "…I'm scared of what's OUTSIDE the boat."

" _Awww_! You're afraid of the water! That's _adorable_." Ezran stopped, his eyes narrowing. "…I have competition."

"Why didn't you just say so?" Callum shook his head, then grabbed his bag. "Lemme see if I packed some floaties-"

"Alright, enough! I'll take the stupid boat!" She stomped over towards it. "I'll be fine, I can do this-" She put one foot in the boat. " _Nope I can't do this and you can't make me_ -" She tried to turn back around and was tackled into the boat by Ezran.

"I've got her legs, Callum! Go go go, paddle!"

Callum hurriedly shoved the boat into the water and jumped in, grabbing the oars while Rayla screamed in protest.

-With Lord Viren-

Back at the castle, General Amaya was aggressively signing to Lord Viren while Gren interpreted for her.

" _How could you let this happen?! The boys were in your care! This is just like the time you let them play with matches and Ezran lost his eyebrows_ -"

"They asked _politely_ ," Lord Viren cut in. "What was I supposed to do, say _no_? You're acting like I _invited_ the Elf Assassins!"

General Amaya held up a flier that read: ' _Killer_ Party at the Castle! Everyone's Invited! Elves Get In for Free. Come On In, the Back Door is Open For All (You Can Just Jimmy the Lock, Anyway)'.

"…That was going to be for a surprise birthday party for Harrow," Viren said quickly. "There must have been…some sort of mix-up."

Amaya pointed to the line that read, 'BYOB: Bring Your Own Blades'.

"That was a typo."

" _I had to LEAVE our strong hold at the Breach_." Amaya began to sign again. " _Do you have ANY idea the dangerous forces gathered at our border? Not to mention I missed pizza night. That is my FAVORITE night_."

"I did everything in my power to protect the King!" Viren argued back, inching closer to the throne. "I was willing to give my own life!"

" _Then why are you still here? Cold feet_?"

"I have poor circulation- Harrow's own _stubbornness_ stopped me from saving him!" He was standing beside the throne now. "He just wouldn't see reason! His pride was more important to him than his life."

"… _You WANTED this to happen_."

"That is the most ridiculous thing I have _ever_ heard!" Viren cried, now sitting in the throne. "How DARE you- this is a lot harder than I thought, maybe I should get a pillow or something-"

" _His death creates a job opening for you_ ," Amaya went on.

"Hey, I'm as broken-hearted as you are!" Viren sobbed, his eyes streaming.

" _Then find his kids_!"

"Alright, fine!" Viren threw aside the onions he'd been chopping and wiped his eyes. "We'll slap some pictures on milk cartons and put up some fliers, are you _happy_ now?! This is a time of _crisis_. An empty throne is a beacon of weakness, an invitation to destroy us! We must defend Katolis and all of the Human Kingdoms against what's coming. I can help us, from _here_!" He gestured to the throne beneath him, but Amaya shook her head. Viren's eyes narrowed. "You think I WANT to be King? I could not be MORE selfless in my motivation! I am a servant of Katolis. A SERVANT-"

The large double doors cracked open and a man popped his head in, a length of measuring tape in hand.

"Sir, we're here for the new crown fitting-"

"Now is NOT the time!"

" _Those are mighty fine clothes for a servant_ ," General Amaya snapped as the doors slammed shut. Like, literally, she snapped her fingers sassily. " _Traitor Fashion Line, summer edition_?"

"Yeah, you _wish_ you could pull this off," Viren snarked.

" _And strangle you with it_ ," Amaya clapped back. Both figuratively and literally. " _Apparently, the only thing you're serving is shade_."

"Yes, would you like a second helping?"

" _No thanks, I'm full_."

"You're full of something all right." Viren stood up from the throne with a sniff of disdain. "Alright, then, you take it! I will support you as Queen Regent. I'll gather the High Council and will send word to the other crowns immediately-"

" _The throne stays empty until we find the boys_."

"FINE!" Viren exploded, crossing his arms in a huff. "…Can't I just keep it warm for them-"

" _NO_!"

-On the River-

Meanwhile, our heroes were traveling down the river in their boat, Callum at the oars. Rayla leaned over the boat's side, struggling not to puke. Bait sat in the back, dangling his short tail in the water. Ezran caught sight of him and snatched him up with an outraged gasp.

" _Hey_! You know you're not supposed to do that! No playing in the water! You are in time-out, Mister!"

"Bait loves the water, but he really shouldn't," Callum explained as Rayla frowned in confusion. "Glow Toads are apparently _delicious_."

"I can confirm, I've licked him," Ezran added.

"Yeah, see what I- wait WHAT."

"That's disgusting," Rayla groaned. "If you're trying to help me with my seasickness you're really not. You're making it worse."

"Anyway," Callum went on, "deep-sea fisherman use them as bait to catch huge fish…thus, the name."

"…That's a pretty fucked up joke actually."

"Yeah, he needs counseling," Ezran commented. "It gives him PTSD."

"So that's why we have to be careful with him around the water," Callum finished.

"Okay, you guys are making him really self-conscious, can you stop talking about him like he isn't here?"

"Sorry, Ez."

"I'm not the one you should be apologizing to."

-Meanwhile-

General Amaya and Gren rode out on horses, traveling some distance from the castle to the base of a waterfall where there was a small lake with a raised platform. They stopped and dismounted, Amaya looking sadly up at a stone figure of a kind-looking woman riding a horse. She approached the statue and knelt at the base, lighting a candle in remembrance. Slowly, she began to sign, and went on in silence for several long minutes before finally finishing.

"…That…was the most beautiful thing I've ever heard," Gren whispered in a choked voice. "I truly pity anyone who couldn't understand the meaning of what you just said."

They looked up at the sound of a horse approaching and saw Lord Viren riding down to join them.

"May I light a candle?" he asked politely once he'd reached them. "I brought a scented one. It's called 'It's My Fault You're Dead but I'm Like Super Sorry About it and Now I'm Trying to Kill Your Kids and Steal the Throne After Getting the King Killed'."

"… _That seems…oddly specific_ -"

"It was a special order."

-Aaaand Back to the Boat!-

"You doing all right?" Callum asked, peering down at Rayla in concern. She was sprawled out on the bottom of the boat, groaning weakly. "You're…looking a little sick there."

"No, I'm fine, I'm just...in love with the boat," Rayla answered.

"Aww. Where did you two meet? Tinder?" Ezran paused. "…Get it? Because it's a boat? And boats are made of wood? And wood to burn is TINDER-"

"Ezran. Seriously." Callum sighed and adjusted his grip on the oars. "Okay, how about this? I'm going to ask you five questions. It'll help distract you and take your mind off of things!"

"Ugh, FINE." She struggled to sit up. "I guess it wouldn't hurt to try."

"Question number one: What's the grossest _thing_ you've ever eaten? One time I had this nasty seafood dish that looked like-"

"I was wrong, it can hurt. Stop talking."

"Peas," Ezran said with conviction. "Definitely peas."

"Okay, sorry. Wrong question." Callum winced. "Let's try again. What's Xadia like? Is it all magical stuff… _everywhere_?"

"Is it like Disneyland?" Ezran asked excitedly.

"Yes, it's exactly like Disneyland." Rayla stared at the boys, deadpan. "With rides and food stalls and Mickey Mouse and lines and lines of people fucking everywhere, waiting for hours."

" _Really_?!"

"No of _course_ not really." She rolled her eyes. "Next question."

"It must be so _weird_ that everywhere you look there's something magical," Callum went on before Rayla cut him off.

"It's not weird! In Xadia, magic is pretty much in everything. Kind of like saying everywhere you look, there's nature. It's just part of the spirit of things, you know?"

There was a short pause.

"...Ssssso it's like Hogwarts-"

"Are you guys even _listening_ to me?!"

"Wait, does that make us Muggles?" Ezran asked.

"No!" Rayla snapped. "Fifty points from Hufflepuff!"

"See? It's working!" Callum grinned in triumph. "Isn't your general annoyance overriding your seasickness?"

"…Huh. I guess it is." Rayla sat up straighter. "Next question."

"Alright, here's a tough one. _If a carriage leaves the castle at 4 o'clock going 35 miles per hour and a Dragon leaves the Breach at 5 o'clock flying 60 miler per hour, when will they meet_ -"

"Ezran! _I'm_ asking the questions!"

"Aww, come on! I need to know the answer for my homework!" Ezran held up his math book.

"What are your parents like?" Callum asked. Rayla's face immediately hardened and she looked away, upset.

"Dead," she answered shortly.

"Oh, sorry." Callum winced. "Um…well...good to know we have something in common!"

"Wait what?" said Ezran.

"HOMEWORK!" Callum shrieked at him, and Ezran turned back to his book.

"You can add talking to girls to the list of stuff you suck at," Rayla added.

"Oh, believe me, it's already there."

"Shut up, Ez!" Callum grumbled to himself, then sat up to look further down the river. "…So. One more question." Rayla grunted. "How mad would you be if I told you that we're about to hit some rapids?"

"…You'd better be speaking hypothetically," Rayla whispered, her voice dangerously soft. She turned and looked, eyes widening at the sight of jagged rocks and frothy water. "Okay, well, I am _hypothetically_ about to kick your ass. And by hypothetically, I mean literally."

"What's the big deal?" Ezran asked. "I've made bigger splashes in the bathtub."

"Pull the boat over right now!" Rayla huddled down in the boat. "I'm scared, okay? I admit it! I hate the water, I'm afraid of it and it makes me sick! Just let me OFF!"

"Wow, Rayla," Callum said quietly. "That takes guts to admit. I respect you for that." He paused. "Which is why we're going down these rapids so you can face your fears."

"YOU _MOTHER_ -"

The boat hit the rapids, rocking back and forth violently. A wave of water came over the side and splashed them, the boys shrieking in delight and laughing while Rayla shrieked her head off.

"AAAAAAA- how are you two _laughing_ \- AAAAAA!"

"Put your arms up, Rayla! Pretend it's Splash Mountain!"

" _Will you shut up about Disney_?!"

-Back at the Statue-

"Your sister made him better," Viren was saying to Amaya as they stood in front of the statue. "He told me he was never as strong or brave as Queen Sarai believed him to be…but he tried every day to live up to her expectations."

" _Also because she'd go on sex strikes if he didn't_ ," Amaya signed.

"You really don't have to tell me all the details-"

" _She was compassionate and patient_ ," she went on. " _She was the only person who could beat me in an arm wrestling match…and don't EVER try to steal the last jelly tart_!"

"Please don't remind me," Viren said with a pained smile. "I'm still incontinent when I laugh too hard." They looked at each other and shared a laugh like old friends. "Ahahaha- _oh no_." His face quickly sobered, and he looked at Amaya with a serious expression. "General Amaya. I'm sorry for what happened in the throne room. You helped me see the truth. I was _blinded_ by my abiding love of our kingdom and humanity itself-"

" _Here you go_ ," Amaya suddenly signed, holding out a shovel. Viren blinked in confusion.

"…What's that for?"

" _To shovel all of that bullshit coming out of your mouth_." He chuckled nervously.

"Anyway. The Princes come first. Finding them is _absolutely_ the first priority of the kingdom of Katolis!"

" _I'm glad you're seeing it my way_ ," Amaya signed, nodding with approval.

"…And killing them is the second."

" _I'm sorry what_?"

"Kissing. Kissing them is second. Because, you know, we're so happy that we found them alive."

" _I will be departing at sundown with a rescue party_ ," Amaya signed.

"Very well." Viren nodded. "Then I will begin preparing the mass funerals."

" _Wait WHAT_ -"

"Oh, you know." Viren stared at her, his face the picture of innocence. "The funerals for all the poor, defenseless people who are going to be mercilessly slaughtered when our enemies charge through the Breach due to your not being there." He paused, then held up a funeral catalogue. "I'm thinking walnut coffins with metal trim, how about you?"

"… _Are you trying to guilt trip me_?"

"Of course not! You and your men go off on your little trip to find the Princes and I'll be here, burying a shit-ton of bodies. You can send flowers or something, it's fine. Maybe a letter or two to their grief-stricken families- oh no, wait. They'll be dead too. Nevermind. You know, we might run out of room to bury everybody—how do you feel about pyres? I bet some of the massacred families wouldn't mind getting burned up in a huge bonfire. At least they'd be together! But don't you worry about that. Here, I even made some snacks for you guys to take along! Have fun now." He patted her shoulder and handed Gren some Tupperware.

"… _Okay, FINE. I'll return to the Breach and leave it to you_." Amaya's eyes narrowed. " _But not because of what you said. Because I don't want to miss pizza night_."

"Yes, yes, perfectly understandable!" Viren smiled at her. "Why, I'll even put my own kids in charge of the rescue!"

" _I don't think so. I'm putting Gren in charge_."

"Very well then." Viren nodded again. "I am certain that whoever this person is, they will be perfectly suitable for-"

"I'm Commander Gren!" Gren said, standing tall and beaming with pride. "Oh no, wait, that means I'm gonna miss pizza night-"

"Ugh, the _redhead_? Are you kidding me?"

"You didn't even know my _name_?"

"You're like a _four_ why would I even care-"

-Aaaand Back to the Kids Again-

The boat tumbled down one last waterfall, drifting out onto a wide, still lake surrounded by woods.

"There!" Callum said triumphantly. "You faced your fear! Don't you feel better about water now, Rayla?"

Rayla leaned over the edge of the boat and puked noisily.

"You're _welcome_."

Rayla seized Callum by his scarf and shoved him face-first into the water, holding him there.

"Quit playing around, you two!" Ezran cried. "I can't find Bait!"

Rayla quickly stopped trying to drown Callum and they all searched the boat for the missing toad. Ezran gasped as he caught sight of his beloved pet splashing around in the water behind them.

"There you are! Get back here right now, young man! _March_! I mean...froggy paddle!" Bait paddled to the boat and Ezran snatched him up out of the water and gave him a tight hug. "You are in _big_ trouble! Don't you ever worry me like that again! You know you're not supposed to be in the water! You are SO grounded!" He paused again. "…Get it? Because he was in the water and he wasn't supposed to and now we're going to stand on the ground?"

"What a _disaster_ ," Rayla groaned.

"Yeah, I know!" Callum joined in. "My pants are all wet and chafing. I sure hope they don't shrink, and my _underwear_ -"

"You want to stop right there."

Everyone stopped as they noticed the puzzle cube glowing under the seat.

"Okay, who left that on? You know you're supposed to turn it off so we can save the battery!" Callum picked up the cube and peered at it curiously. "Huh. The Ocean rune is glowing. That's weird. I've never seen it do that before." He paused, thinking. "Maybe we're near some magical ocean source, like a mermaid, or a friendly talking dolphin-"

An enormous monster-catfish with wings and whiskers suddenly burst out of the lake behind them, flying through the air and hitting with water with a deafening crash.

"…Or that."

"Shut up and start rowing!" Rayla shouted at him.

The huge fish bitch-slapped their boat with its tail, and everyone went flying. Rayla tumbled all the way to the shore, while the boys fell in the water and started splashing around desperately. Rayla sat up, gasping when she saw she was back on land.

"Thank you!" she called to the fish.

"It's going to EAT me!" Callum screamed.

"…Thank you!"

"That's not fucking funny! _Help us_!"

"It was a little funny!" Rayla suddenly noticed Bait struggling in the water, the fish closing in on its tasty prize. "Hey! You guys need to help the toad!" Callum and Ezran couldn't hear her, as they were too busy splashing each other to pay attention.

"Quit it!"

"You did that on purpose!"

"I did not- OW! You got me in the eye! Now you're _really_ going to get it!"

"UGGGGHHH," Rayla groaned in resignation. "I have to do everything myself around here!" She turned and gave the ground a mournful look. "Goodbye, my sweet! I'll be back, I swear! And I will stand on you. I will stand on you SO hard." She leapt up and ran out on a tree branch, jumping from the very end into the water. "Cannon ball!"

She collided with the fish just as it surfaced to gobble Bait up, smashing it back down into the water.

"Hey, where's Rayla?" Ezran asked, looking around.

"I don't know," Callum answered, "but I DO know where your weak spot is!" He dunked Ezran under the water. The wave from Rayla's cannonball pushed them all the way to shore, where they sat up to see her clinging to the fish as it surfaced, thrashing violently.

"There she is!" Ezran said, pointing excitedly. "On the back of the huge killer fish-thing just moments from death!" He paused. "That sounds really bad when I say it aloud."

"I have an idea!" Callum cried. He threw his pack down and pulled out…

A fishing rod.

He cast the line out, where it landed in the water a few feet in front of him with a soft _plunk_!

"And now… _we wait_."

"…You know you could just use the Primal Stone, right?" Ezran asked after a moment.

"What? Oh. Right. I knew that." He threw the fishing rod aside and pulled out the orb. "Rayla! _Jump_!"

"What?!" Rayla stared back at him incredulously. "You don't know how to- _oh my god you're just going to gently toss it at him aren't you_ -"

"Hell no! I'm going to whip this bitch at him!" Callum pulled his arm back, ready to throw. "Jump, _now_!"

Closing her eyes, Rayla leapt into the air, Bait safe in her arms, as Callum threw the orb at the giant fish. It connected and electrocuted the creature, sending it crashing back into the water, charred and smoking.

Ezran cheered.

Hundreds of dead fish began floating to the top of the lake, twitching.

Ezran started crying.

"Oh my God _stop_ look how much food we have now!" Callum said impatiently. Ezran started cheering again.

Rayla, meanwhile, had staggered back to shore, dropping Bait in the dirt and scowling at Callum in disbelief.

"Thanks, but…how are you going to get that orb back? It must be at the bottom of the lake by now-"

The Primal Stone washed up at their feet, glinting in the sun.

"…I don't even want to know," she said quietly, then collapsed onto the ground. "Now close your eyes so I can make love to the ground."

-Back at the Castle-

Evening was approaching, the sky darkening to twilight. General Amaya stood next to her horse, ready to depart, her men gathered around her.

" _I have sent word to Corvus that the King has passed_ ," she signed, Gren translating. " _Viren doesn't know about him. DON'T trust him. At any given chance, he WILL jump on that throne and stab you in the back_."

"Oh, I don't know, I don't think he's _that_ bad," Gren said, then stopped and looked over his shoulder. A knife jutted from his back. "…When did _that_ get there-"

Amaya signed to him and pulled him into a hug.

"Aw, that's so sweet of you- oh you're just pulling out the knife for me, never mind. Thanks, though, it was really starting to hurt." Gren smiled as she stepped away and swung up onto her horse. Viren approached, Soren in tow.

" _I expect to be notified when the Princes are safely found_ ," Amaya signed. Viren bowed his head.

"Of course. I will send word to the Breach immediately." Amaya nodded in satisfaction and rode off with her small troop.

"Bye, mom!" Gren called, waving.

"Hey, man! Great to meet you!" Soren said, clapping Gren on the back, who yelped in pain. "We're gonna be _best_ friends, I can't wait to get to know you-" General Amaya disappeared from sight. "Okay, _loser_. You and your dumb freckles are off the team. Ya been benched, bitch."

" _What_?!"

"You're fired," Viren explained. "I'm giving my son the job."

"But that's _nepotism_ -"

"I am a master of Hide and Seek," Soren said smugly. "Here are my credentials." He held up a sheet full of stickers.

"But…General Amaya was _very_ specific that _I_ would be the one in charge!" Gren argued. "I had a whole speech and everything planned! I even had a little game for the men to play to get to know each other-"

"Soren," Viren cut in, "set up a meeting for Commander Gren and I to discuss his concerns. Somewhere…quiet, and isolated. Say…around 9 o'clock?"

"Might I suggest the dungeons?" Gren said helpfully. "I'm sure we'll have all the privacy that we need there."

"What a wonderful suggestion! See you then." Viren turned and walked away.

"I'd better dress warm, those dungeons do tend to be _drafty_ ," Gren said to himself. "And maybe I should shower and eat something first, who knows how long I'll be down there for, haha!"

-Back at the Lake-

Standing on the lake's shore, Callum, Rayla, and Ezran were doing their best to dry off from their dip.

"You saved Bait from getting eaten!" Ezran cried, hugging Rayla. "Thank you so much! Here, I will allow you the honor of licking him-"

"That…really not necessary-"

"I insist!"

"That was really brave of you," Callum said, smiling at her warmly.

"No it wasn't!" she scoffed, pushing Bait away from her face. "I nearly pissed myself."

"That's why it was so heroic!" Callum went on. "You were scared, but you did it anyway. And even if you peed your pants I'm sure it got washed away when you jumped into the lake-"

"Why didn't you just tell us you were afraid?" Ezran asked curiously. "It's okay to be scared of things." Rayla went quiet, walking closer to the lake and staring down at her reflection.

"Moonshadow Elves aren't supposed to show fear," she said in a soft voice.

"Oh, come on! That ridiculous." Callum shook his head. "Look, I'm scared of talking to girls. And being around girls. And just girls in general. How about you, Ez?"

"The ever-looming presence of impending death."

"See? It's fine- wait, WHAT."

"My parents aren't really dead, but they're dead to me!" Rayla burst out. "They're cowards! They were part of an elite team, the Dragon Guard, chosen to defend the egg of the Dragon Brat! Storm Dragons only lay an egg once every thousand years, so that egg is so incredibly rare and precious-"

She glanced up to see Ezran wrapping a towel around the top of the egg like a turban.

"When the Humans killed the Dragon King, the Dragon Guard, including my parents, lost the game. They ran away! I'm so ashamed." She broke down and Callum placed a hand on her shoulder.

"Rayla…" he said gravely. "…Are you sure they didn't just pop out for a bathroom break?"

"Yes I'm fucking sure!" Rayla cut him off. "That's why I have to make things right! I have to return the egg and fix this mess!"

"Um, yeah, I don't know if just doing that will fix your broken-ass feelings about your parents, maybe you should get therapy or something too-"

"Do you want a hug or not?"

"Alright, bury your feelings! We're in this together!" The group shared a warm hug, then looked up to see their boat floating away down a side stream.

"Oh noooo!" Rayla cried unconvincingly. "Our boat is floating away! Whatever shall we do?"

The boat suddenly stopped, spun around in the water, and drifted back, coming to rest on the shore nearby.

"OKAY SERIOUSLY WHAT THE FUCK AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO SAW THAT-"

"It's okay, we don't have to take the boat," Callum said.

"I AM SETTING THAT SHIT ON _FIRE_ -"

"You guys can't break up!" Ezran wailed. "I was rooting for you two! I ship them!" He paused. "Get it? Because it's a boat-"

"EZRAN. YOU NEED TO STOP."

"Hey, what's with your bracelet?" Callum asked, pointing at the white string around Rayla's wrist. "Is it symbolic or something?"

"Oh, it uh, helps with my circulation," Rayla said as she lit a match.

"Cool, maybe I should get one, my wrist has been bugging me lately."

-Down in the Dungeon-

Deep in the castle basement, flickering candles dimly lit the interior as Lord Viren walked down the steps into the dungeon and came to a halt.

"Sorry I'm five minutes late," he said, "I had to make sure my ass was perfect before I left. What can I help you with?"

"So," Gren said casually, chained to the wall, "I have some _complaints_."

"I see." Viren nodded with understanding. "Let's hear them."

"Well, _first_ of all…" Gren cleared this throat. "You took me off the mission and that kind of hurt my feelings. Secondly, these accommodations are _ghastly_ , and thirdly…" He paused for a long moment. "I am beginning to feel as though I may have been _tricked_." A far-off scream echoed through the darkness. "In summary, I WILL be asking to see your manager."

"Hey, Dad?" Claudia poked her head around the corner. "About our other prisoner- _er_ , I mean, special guest…" Viren turned and followed her to a secluded jail cell. Runaan, Rayla's Elf superior/team captain, was shirtless and also chained to the wall, but, like, in a much hotter way. "He still refuses to eat."

"I told you I'm _vegan_!" Runaan snarled, glaring up at them.

"My God, I'm so sorry," Viren said. "Claudia, make this man a kale salad."

"I know a spell to turn someone into a pickle. Would that work?"

"Claudia, I wasn't fucking serious. Let the bastard starve." They turned and walked away, the door slamming closed behind them.

"This is the worst service I've ever gotten," Runaan muttered to himself.

"Ugh, I know, right?" Gren called from outside. "Two stars, at best. And I will NOT be leaving a tip!"

-Episode 5 End-


	6. Episode 6: Through the Lice

The Dragon Brat

Episode Six

Through the Lice

Morning dawned in the woods, the sky just beginning to lighten. Callum slept beneath a large tree's roots while Ezran slept on him, and Rayla lay on the roots above them like a super shitty bunk-bed. She rolled over with a groan.

"Ow, my arm, did I sleep on it funny or some…?" She opened her eyes to see the white thread had tightened around her wrist, leaving her arm horribly swollen and discolored. She stared at it for a long moment, then rolled back over and closed her eyes. "Yeah fuck this I'm going back to sleep, it's too damn early to deal with this shi-"

* _Poot_!*

"Well NOW I'm up. Thanks a _lot_ , Ez- WAIT A SECOND. He didn't _giggle_ like he always does. And it doesn't smell like rotten jelly tarts. That wasn't him!" She sat bolt upright, instantly alert. Her eyes narrowed with suspicion. "… _Someone's here_." Drawing her blades, Rayla slipped off her perch and Naruto-ran into the woods to investigate, yelling, "Sasukeeeeeee!". After a few minutes of fruitless searching (like, literally, she couldn't find a single apple or pear), she lost her patience.

"Alright, come out!" she called aloud. "I know you're there!" After a tense moment, a fawn popped out of the bushes. She stared at it blankly. "…But how would that explain the-" The fawn ripped a huge fart. "…Okay, ew. Mystery solved." Stepping closer, the fawn sniffed curiously at Rayla's purpling hand, gently licking at it. "Aww. That's sweet, but I don't think that's going to fix-"

* _CHOMP_ *

"OW! _Shit_! Okay, never mind, it's just hungry, fuck OFF you little Bambi bitch!" She punted the fawn away and cradled her hand, then sighed to herself. "Calm down, Rayla, get a grip. You don't have to be so paranoid. Not _everything_ is out to get you- _oh my God are those BERRIES_?" She gasped in delight as she caught sight of a bush filled with delicious-looking berries. Having not learned her lesson at all, she ran straight for it-

And was immediately snared around the ankle and yanked up off her feet. Corvus, General Amaya's tracker, leapt out of the trees and laughed triumphantly.

"Ha-ha! GOT you, Elf!" He stood there for a minute. "…Thank god it was you this time, I'm so tired of yelling that. You would not _believe_ how many other things I've caught in that snare. Like, five rabbits and a fox. Oh, and a deer that wouldn't stop farting."

Hanging upside-down, Rayla gaped at him in shock.

"YOU SICK SON OF A BITCH." She paused, then reached down and grabbed a handful of berries, cramming them into her mouth. "I will deal with you in a minute."

-With the Boys-

Back at the tree, Ezran sat up, yawning and stretching.

"Ugh, this mattress is the _worst_ , it's all boney knees and elbows." He gave Callum a smack, then noticed Rayla was missing. "Callum, wake up! Rayla's gone! This is an _emergency_!" He paused. "She didn't ask what I wanted for breakfast before she went to order from Mcdonald's—I don't want the Egg McMuffin I want the Happy Meal with the _toy_ —or no wait maybe she went to IHOP yeah that would make more sense- _CALLUM_!"

" _I wasn't dreaming about Claudia_!" Callum cried, sitting up in a flurry. "…That's just a baguette in my pocket-"

"Where's the egg?"

"Where's the wha- oh SHIT the Dragon egg Rayla TOTALLY took it while we were sleeping oh my GOD we're idiots I knew we shouldn't have trusted that damn elf-"

"Actually, no, I meant the eggs for breakfast, I'm, like, _really_ hungry." Ezran opened his pack to reveal the Dragon Brat's egg still there. "See, he's here. Safe and sound."

"…Oh." Callum relaxed. "…But that doesn't mean we can trust her, okay?"

"Aww, look, Rayla put in padding so he'd be more comfortable! That was nice of her."

"…That still doesn't mean-"

"Plus she tucked us in, read us a story and kissed us goodnight before we went to sleep." He pointed at a lipstick mark on the egg.

"Dammit, Ez, I'm trying to make a point!"

"I don't care! I like her!" Ezran glared at him. "Is this because she's an Elf? It seems like everything we've ever heard about Elves is _wrong_. She doesn't randomly break into song and dance or fart pixie dust and she doesn't know who Orlando Bloom is!"

"That's not what I was going to say- _listen_ to me!" Callum shook his head. "She's not telling us everything. I can _feel_ it."

"So what?" Ezran said. "I don't tell _you_ everything. Like how your hair is probably full of spiders from sleeping under a tree."

"My hair is full of whaAAAAAA-" Callum broke off screaming as spiders started crawling out of his hair.

-With Rayla-

Rayla dangled upside-down from a tree branch, at the mercy of Corvus. He pulled out a wiffle bat and brandished it.

"Release the Princes or I'll beat you like a piñata!" he said threateningly. "And it won't be _candy_ that comes out of you!" He paused. "Which is a shame, because I like candy, especially-"

"You're wrong!" Rayla struggled in vain. "They aren't my prisoners, they _choose_ to travel with me!"

"Lies! I've been watching you for days now! I've seen you grab the younger Prince and grapple him until he wets himself with fear and begs for mercy!"

"…You mean our _tickle_ fights?"

"…Alright, fine, then why do you frequently beat the older Prince to a bloody pulp?" Corvus demanded.

"…Because he's a disgusting teenage boy with raging hormones and no concept of personal boundaries-"

"Oh. Ew. Okay, yeah, I'm sure he definitely deserved it."

"Anyway, they're my friends now! We're all pals!" Rayla pointed at the thread around her wrist. "…See this? Friendship bracelet."

"It looks…a little tight."

"It's Ezran's fault- I mean, uh, we're, like, _super_ best friends."

"But…you _killed_ their father," Corvus pointed out.

"I didn't kill anyone!" Rayla argued.

"Your leader did. What's the difference?"

"…I'm not him?"

"Fair point." Corvus shrugged and started lowering her to the ground. "Hey, wait. They don't _know_ he's dead, do they? You guys aren't friends at all! Friends tell each other _ever_ _ything,_ like celebrity crushes and makeup secrets, especially since you guys just had a slumber party last night! I know, you were smacking the shit out of the older Prince with your pillow-" Rayla suddenly swung herself forward and shoved, sending him tumbling backwards down the steep ravine behind him. As she pulled free from the snare, Corvus got back to his feet and glared up at her.

"Savor your victory, Elf!" he shouted. "Next time, you won't be so lucky!"

"Says the guy who's in a _ditch_!" Rayla snarked back.

"Did you just call me a bitch?"

"No, I SAID you're in a DITCH!"

"I ain't no snitch!"

"Oh my God I'm done."

"You're right, this isn't very fun."

"I'M LEAVING NOW."

"How dare you call me a cow! You haven't seen the last of me!" Corvus continued to yell. "I'm a survivor! It's just me! Alone! Man versus wild! I'm not naked and afraid!"

"Bear."

"Yeah, I was trying to think of how to incorporate another Bear Grylls reference-"

"THERE IS A _BEAR_ BEHIND YOU."

Corvus finally turned around and saw the huge animal looming over him.

"Oh. I see." He stared for a long moment, then ran off screaming, the bear close behind.

"What a fucking morning," Rayla grumbled, turning to leave.

-Back at Camp-

Back at their makeshift camp, the boys were brushing their teeth with twigs, combing their hair with pinecones, and gargling with nasty pond water.

"You were talking in your sleep," Ezran said after he spat. Callum went visibly pale. "What were you dreaming about? You said something about peanut butter-"

"I was dreaming about…uh…peanut butter sandwiches!" Callum blurted out, sweating. "…Sexy, _sexy_ peanut butter."

"Is that why you were _moaning_? Was the sandwich really that good? I mean, maybe if it was a grilled cheese, but _peanut butter_?"

"Listen, Ezran." Callum clapped a hand on his brother's shoulder and pulled him close. "In a few years, when you're older, we'll sit down and have a heart-to-heart talk about sandwiches, okay buddy? _All_ the different kinds. Even the _toasted_ ones." Ezran stared at him incredulously.

"…And by sandwiches, you mean sex, right? Because I honestly don't care, I'd rather just talk about sandwiches-"

Rayla came flipping down from the trees, landing in front of them.

"Alright, move it!" she shouted, clapping her hands. "Time to go! We need to leave right NOW!"

"…Yeah I'm not moving until I get my breakfast," Ezran stated bluntly.

"Wait, what? Leave? Why, what's going on?" Callum asked in alarm. "Why do you look like you were hoisted upside-down and beaten like a piñata-"

"I…uh…" Rayla thought quickly. "I shit my pants." The boys stared at her. "That's right. I found some more berries, ate 'em, and shit my pants."

"Oh please," Callum snorted, crossing his arms. "Like you had _anything_ left in you after those berries completely cleaned you out. Just like the last time. And the time before that. And the time before-"

"Okay, fine!" Rayla threw her hands up. "You got me. I didn't shit my pants."

"Alright. So then _why_ are you in such a hurry for us to leave-"

"I just straight up _murdered_ someone back there-"

"Cool! Can we see the body? Can I poke it?"

"Ez, that's disgusting. At least use a stick or something."

"What? No! What is _wrong_ with you two?" Rayla gaped at them in horror. They just shrugged.

"Anything else?" Callum asked, cocking an eyebrow. Rayla stared at him blankly.

"…I started my period."

"EZ START WALKING."

-Back at the Castle-

Soren jogged up the castle stairs, reaching the rooftop and jogging over to where his father was standing on the battlements. He paused for a second to check his heart rate, drank some water, then started doing squats.

"Hey, Dad! You wanted to talk to me?"

"Yes. We have…important matters to discuss," Viren began.

"Ohmigosh you're _finally_ letting me design a workout routine for you? Alright! We'll get you out of that crusty old Dad-bod before you can-"

"Soren! _Focus_!"

"Sure thing, Dad!" Soren was on his back, doing bicycle crunches. "Ooooh, feel the _burn!_ "

"This evening," Viren said with great seriousness, "you and your sister will be departing on a mission to search for the Princes. This mission is _critical_ to the future of our Kingdom."

"Don't worry, we got this! We'll find them in no time!" Now Soren was using a Bowflex. "We makin' _gains_. We makin' _gains!_ "

"Which is why I want you to fail it."

" _What_?!" Soren stopped mid-flex and gaped at his father, confused. "But…we _have_ to find them! I don't have the title of reigning champ of Hide and Seek for nothing! Do you _want_ me to lose my trophy?!"

"Oh, you'll find them, alright," Viren told him. "You are to return with the news that you have found the Princes'…" Soren brightened. "… _BODIES_."

Soren let go of the Bowflex's handles in shock.

* _Wha-PISH_!*

" _Ow FUCK my eye_!"

-Meanwhile-

Callum, Ezran, and Rayla had left the forest behind and were now climbing a rocky cliff, walking along a wide dirt path.

"Hold it," Rayla said, stopping in her tracks and studying the road with a critical eye. "This way is too easy."

"Hey, _you're_ not the one carrying a twenty-pound egg!" Ezran cried.

"Yeah!" Callum joined in. "And you're not the one carrying the _kid_ who is carrying the twenty-pound egg!" He paused, Ezran riding piggy-back behind him. "…Seriously how did this happen, I can't even remember why I agreed to-"

"Peanut butter."

"Giddy-up!" Callum hiked him up higher.

"This path is too well traveled," Rayla explained to them. "Sooner or later, we're going to run into somebody, and I don't wanna have to dump someone else in a ditch."

"…Wait what-"

"Okay, if you really did murder someone, we're gonna need to come up with some alibis and get our stories straight," Ezran said. "You and Callum are married, and I'm your son, Lester." He held up the egg. "This is a volleyball."

"We're going up this way." She pointed at a much steeper, rougher path straight up the mountainside, littered at the bottom with shattered skeletons. "Tougher terrain is safer for us."

"Aww, it was already hard enough!" Ezran complained. "Do you have any idea how heavy this egg is?"

"No, because you don't _trust_ me to carry it!" Rayla snapped at him testily.

"Okay, let's compromise. You can carry the egg if you carry me, too."

" _Oh my God please do it I'm so tired he's much heavier than he looks_ \- wait, no!" Callum stopped himself and shook his head. "Should we trust you? Have you been truthful about _everything_?"

"The truth is you're a dick! Forget it." Rayla rolled her eyes in exasperation. "Keep your stupid egg, see if I care! Now let's get going." She turned to the steep cliff and pulled out her climbing gear, including crampons, ropes, pitons and a climbing axe.

"I knew we forgot to pack something," Callum muttered under his breath.

-Back at the Castle-

"Okay, wait, hold on." Soren held up a hand, the other pressing a bag of ice to his swelling eye. "Why would we want to tell everyone that the Princes are _dead_? I mean, other than the fact that you already told everyone that they were completely, totally, and a hundred percent dead."

"The coming war will determine the fate of Humanity," Viren said solemnly. "History has come to a crucial tipping point-"

"Like a _seesaw_!" Soren cried in sudden understanding.

Viren stared at him in silence, then spun around and walked away. He turned a corner and was out of sight. After a pause, there was an anguished scream. A few moments later, Viren shuffled back around the corner to his son's side, a defeated man.

"Yes…Soren…history is like…a _seesaw_ ," he said hollowly. "And the Elves are like…mean _bullies_ that are keeping us from playing with all the cool slides and stuff in Xadia. Which is why we want to _*HURK*-_ " He dry-heaved but forced himself to continue. "…Want to…get them back."

"So, takesie-backsies but in like, a good way."

Viren was sweating profusely by now. "Yes. But…if we're led by a _kid_ -"

" _Oh my GOD that would be so awesome we would have ice cream for supper and get to stay up late watching scary movies and, and_ -" Soren noticed his father's murderous glare and cut himself off. "I mean…it would just, like, totally suck." Viren nodded.

"Our enemy forces will crush not only us, but all the five Kingdoms." Soren just stared at him. "…We'd all be… _grounded_."

"Okay, so I think I understand now," Soren said slowly. "I'm supposed to come back with the news that they're dead. But…what am I supposed to do if we find them… _alive_?"

"Oh, you'll _know_ the right thing to do," Viren said, his voice heavy with dark intent.

"…Right! Give them a hug and tell them everything is going to be okay!"

"Soren. Listen." Viren pinched the bridge of his nose. "If something were to happen and they were to get _hurt_ -"

"No problem!" Soren held up a first aid kit. "I've got plenty of Band-Aids for any boo-boos they might get. Also, I give the BEST mommy-kisses."

"Listen to me! Out there in the wild, _accidents_ happen every day-"

"Not with me around! Safety first!"

"Like they trip and accidentally fall on your _sword_ -"

"Pfft, that would never happen, I keep the pointy end down and have safety clips on my hilt and scabbard, see?"

"DAMMIT SOREN I WANT YOU TO KILL THEM OKAY?"

"HOLY SHIT DAD WHAT THE FUCK."

"It's for the good of the Kingdom, Soren."

"Dad…" Soren's shoulders slumped. "I…I don't know…if I can-"

"Having trouble coming up with ideas? Here, I've got plenty!" Viren pulled out a thick binder and started flipping through it. "It's alphabetized. Let's see, we've got decapitation, disemboweling, dismemberment, drowning-"

"DAD SERIOUSLY WHAT THE FUCK-"

"My son…" Viren cut him off. "I know this won't be easy, but you're strong. Don't tell anyone about this, not even Claudia. You must bear this weight… _alone_."

Soren was lying backwards, bench-pressing some weights.

"…So you can't spot me?" His arms started to shake.

"I'm not getting all _sweaty_ ," Viren sniffed, walking away. "Just think, after I take the throne, one day…it will belong to _you_."

"But…but if I'm sitting all the time, how will I work out my legs?" One end of the bar slipped off the rack and Soren was dragged off by the weight. " _Fuck_!"

-Back With the Kids-

Meanwhile, Callum, Ezran, and Rayla had climbed even higher into the mountains, reaching a snowy plateau with evergreens.

"Alright, lunchtime!" Rayla declared happily. "Let's stop and eat. I'm starving!" She sat down on a rock, the boys collapsing nearby, exhausted.

"Ugggh, I'm too tired even to chew!" Ezran groaned. "Callum, I'm going to need you to chew for me and spit in my mouth like a mama bird-"

"Well, _I'm_ not hungry anymore," Callum muttered himself, checking his pack. He froze when he found it empty. "…I knew I forgot to pack something else."

"You forgot the food?!" Rayla cried, aghast. "How could you leave it?"

"…In my defense it was impossible to tell the difference between the bread and actual rocks."

"…That's surprisingly understandable."

"What are we going to do?! We're out of food!" Ezran wailed in despair. "I'll have to resort to cannibalism!" He chomped on Callum's arm.

"OW! Ezran, get off of me! You already know I taste horrible, I have the bite marks to prove it-"

"Calm down," Rayla told them. "Here, I'll share my moon-berry juice with you. It's packed with nutrients and fortified with all the vitamins and minerals you need!"

"Bitch are you doing an infomercial or something? Because I would like TEN." Callum reached forward, then paused. "Wait isn't it _alcoholic_ -"

"HEY!" Rayla held up her jar, which was conspicuously empty. She scowled at the others. "Alright, who the hell drank my moon-berry juice?!"

"Don't look at me!" Ezran held up his hands. "It was just the one time, I'm totally clean and sober-"

Bait belched.

"You _motherfrogger_ -"

"That doesn't prove anything!" Ezran was quick to leap to his defense. "He has a very sensitive digestive system-" Bait puked up the stopper. "…Okay yeah he drank it."

"…Imma punt this bitch down the mountain," Rayla said with frightening calm, standing up. Ezran jumped in her way.

"He's not answering any questions without his lawyer present! Let's see a warrant!" Rayla glared down at him, then stormed off in a huff. She quickly fell face-first in a snowdrift.

"Somebody needs a Snickers," Callum said.

-Back at the Castle Again-

In her father's chambers, Claudia pulled the cloth off of the mysterious mirror, then walked around the chamber, carefully gathering different magical ingredients from jars and grinding them together in a bowl. Holding it in hand, she approached the mirror again and leaned in close to…

"Seriously? You're using my magic mirror to adjust your _eye-shadow_?" Viren asked, standing at the door behind her.

"Uh, you use it to check out your ass, like, ten times a day, Dad." Claudia rolled her eyes at him and went back to applying her makeup.

"…Touche." Viren joined her at the mirror, giving it a forlorn look. "I've cast eight different reveal spells on this cursed thing. They all failed."

"…Have you tried Windex?"

"How stupid do you think I am?" Viren snapped at her. "That was like, the third thing I tried. In the end…all I see is my own frustrated face staring back at me." He scowled unhappily at his reflection. A hand slowly rose into view and started applying makeup with a brush. "CLAUDIA."

"I'm just putting some concealer! It'll hide your frown-lines- you're making them _worse_!"

"I just wanna _KNOOOOWWW_ -"

"Dad, stop having a tantrum. Maybe you should say, 'mirror, mirror, on the wall'-"

"Bitch, I don't need to ask it to know that I'm already the fairest of them all."

"Well, then, maybe it's just a mirror," Claudia said with a shrug.

"It was found in the lair of the Dragon King and Queen, it _must_ be important!" Viren argued.

"Maybe the Dragon King just wanted to check out his ass too!" Claudia shot back. "Stop worrying about it! I'm sure we'll eventually figure out this stupid mirror with that _dumb_ girl just _staring_ at us with her stupid watery eyes and crow's feet and big nose and gross hairy chin- oh no wait that's you." Viren pulled the cloth back over the mirror.

"We have something important to discuss, Claudia."

"Ohmigosh you're _finally_ going to let me pluck your nasty caterpillar eyebrows-"

"Your mission to rescue the- what's wrong with my eyebrows?" Viren stared at her. She stared back.

"…Nothing. They're…perfectly fine, don't look like caterpillars at all- OH GOD THAT ONE MOVED."

"Claudia, listen to me. Aside from finding the Princes, you will also have a secret mission that is _far_ more important-"

"I'm not picking up any nudie magazines for you, Dad. There is a LINE."

"That's…that's not what I-"

"Oh." Claudia paused. "…Am I getting hemorrhoid cream again-"

"You must recover the egg of the Dragon Brat," Viren interrupted her. "It _cannot_ fall into the wrong hands. It's too powerful…too delicious- I mean… _dangerous_. Whatever happens, whatever accidents or horrible tragedies may occur, above all else, you _must_ return with the egg."

"I understand," Claudia said, nodding solemnly. "One question, though. What if we're, like, _super_ hungry and have nothing to eat, what should we-"

"Eat Soren."

She stared at him.

"…What."

"You heard me, Claudia. Eat your brother."

"Dad, are you _crazy_? I can't eat Soren!" Claudia gaped at him in disbelief. "…He's like two percent body fat! I'll have to _gnaw_ through muscle for days! I'll starve!"

"Young lady you will listen to me and you will _eat_ your brother!"

-Meanwhile-

Callum, Ezran, and Rayla had finally reached the snowy mountain peaks. They struggled through knee-high snow, their breath coming in white puffs. Callum paused for a moment, panting, and glanced back to check on his brother.

"Aw, come on, Ez! Now is _not_ the time for snow angels." There was no answer. "Ezran? Ez- _oh my God_." He ran over and yanked him up out of the powder. Ezran spat out a mouthful of snow and gasped for breath.

" _Blech_ I think I swallowed some yellow snow-"

"Rayla, come on! This pace is ridiculous!" Callum shouted after her. "You need to slow down!"

"Maybe you should have packed _snowshoes_ like I did!" She called back, walking easily on the snow ahead.

"I KNOW, I _FORGOT_!" Callum shouted after her.

"I just need to…put this down…and catch my breath," Ezran panted, dropping his pack and sitting down in the snow. "Also my ankles are swelling and I'm getting the _weirdest_ craving for a snow cone. Can't imagine why."

"Just let me carry the stupid egg!" Rayla snapped impatiently. "Don't you realize that I could just _take_ it from you if I wanted?"

"Oh, so this is going to be a custody battle, is it?" Ezran clutched the pack to his chest and glared at her. "I will fight you in court."

"Don't worry, Ez," Callum said, moving to stand in front of him. "I won't let her take the-" Rayla easily shoved him out of the way. "…Okay I feel like that was _way_ easier than it should've been-"

"Not really, you're just a wimp," she said bluntly. He threw a snowball at her and she retaliated by jumping on him and giving him a face wash.

"You guys, stop fighting!" Ezran hissed at them as they tussled. "It's not good for the baby!"

"What's stopping you from just _taking_ the egg, huh?!" Callum demanded heatedly.

"Because, it HAS to be you two! If Human Princes return the egg to the Dragon Queen, it could end the war, even change the world! So I HAVE to put up with you! _I'm being the bigger person_!" She stuffed a handful of snow down Callum's pants while he shrieked.

"Seriously, stop fighting! You're destroying more than this family!"

"Ez, this is a grown-up discussion- OW stop pulling my hair Rayla- wait, what?" Callum and Rayla both turned to look at him in confusion. Ezran wordlessly pointed up to where cracks were appearing on the ice wall above them.

"You guys need to be _quiet_ ," he whispered. "All your yelling is cracking the ice. If we're not careful, we could start an avalanche." Callum and Rayla blinked.

"Ohhhh okay sorry we'll keep it down."

And so began the quietest fight in history, complete with whispered insults and slow-motion rolling around in the soft, sound-muffling snow.

"Oh my _God_." Ezran rolled his eyes in exasperation and turned to Bait. "Looks like you're the only one I can count on-"

Bait ripped a huge fart, the sound reverberating off the mountaintops. All three of them stared at him in horrified silence after the echoes died down.

"…I forgive you, buddy. That was beautiful."

* _Crack_!*

A huge chunk of snow broke free, quickly becoming a full-fledged avalanche as it rushed down the mountain towards them. Callum turned to run as Ezran grabbed Rayla by her bad hand.

"AUUUGH!" She cried out and pulled away.

"Sorry, I know my hands are cold-"

"Just RUN!"

"We're not gonna make it," Callum said with resignation, watching the wave of snow barrel down towards them. "Quick, get behind me!"

"Oh, like your little ninety-pound body's gonna make any difference-"

"Hey, I'm pushing like one-ten, one-fifteen if I had a big lunch- NOW, Rayla!" Callum pulled out the Primal Stone and quickly drew a rune in the air. " _Aspiro_!" The resulting belch-blast created a tunnel of wind, the avalanche splitting and traveling safely around them.

"…Are you _burping_ away an avalanche?" Ezran whispered in awe. "You're my hero, Callum. This is the coolest thing I've ever seen, or ever will see. I know I'm only ten but I can just feel it. I can die now with no regrets."

"Ezran, you are NOT going to- _oh shit_!" The tunnel collapsed and a wave of snow overwhelmed them. Moments later, the avalanche abated, and Callum sat up dizzily, shaking snow off of himself.

"Oh my God you guys, I can't feel my dick, I think it froze off." Rayla's butt was sticking out of the snow a few feet away. "Okay never mind there it is. You alright?" She kicked her legs, angry screams muffled from under the snow. "Yeah she's fine. Ez?"

"Present!" Ezran piped up, sitting out on the ice of a frozen lake. "You didn't happen to pack my skates by any chance, did you?"

"GODAMMIT!"

"Hey, wait! Where's the egg?" Ezran dropped his empty bag and looked around in a sudden panic, then spotted the egg further out on the ice. He pointed at it and glared. "You see what you did? He ran away because you two were fighting! You're tearing this family apart!" He cautiously got to his feet and began slowly inching towards the egg. Hairline cracks started appearing in the ice beneath his feet and he hesitated. "…I'm beginning to think eating all of those tarts may have been a mistake."

-Back in Town-

Back in the kingdom of Katolis, Soren sat on a bench near a busy street, morosely eating a pile of protein bars. Claudia walked up to him and smiled.

"Hey, bro! What's wrong? You look kind of down." He looked up at her, his face smeared with protein paste.

"…What makes you think that?" he asked, then crammed another bar in his mouth and burst into tears.

"…Sister's intuition?" she said after a moment.

"Hey, did Dad say anything… _strange_ to you?" Soren asked cautiously. Claudia gasped.

"Oh NO, he didn't tell you about SEX did he-"

"What? No! Eww!" He sputtered, cutting her off. "…What did he talk to _you_ about?"

" _Cannibalism_ \- I mean, uh, adjusting my diet. He wants me to…eat more protein."

"I'm not giving you any of my bars, Clods."

"Not that kind of protein, silly," Claudia teased, pinching his arm. "Christ, that is _all_ muscle, you are gonna be a _bitch_ to chew, I'll have to tenderize you first and then slow roast you for _hours_ -"

"Huh?"

"Nothing!" She hurriedly cleared her throat. "So, anyway, you ready for our mission? I'm all packed." She shouldered her rucksack, visibly bulging with a spice rack and cookbook by Hannibal Lector. "You have your clean underwear and snacks and will written down?" He nodded absently.

"Yeah, yeah, I've got all of those- wait why would I need to write my _will_ -"

"Hey, you never know!" Claudia said quickly. "It's best to be prepared!"

"Hmm. Yeah, you're right." Soren stood up, brushing crumbs off of his armor. "Let's stop in at the courthouse before we go."

"Okay, cool!" Claudia shot finger-guns at him, then paused. "I get all of your shit, right?"

-Back on the Ice-

Cracks continued to spread under Ezran's feet as Callum slowly inched his way out onto the frozen surface of the lake, Rayla following close behind.

"Stay still, Ez!" Callum called out to him. "We're coming to get you!" Ezran nodded, rocking back and forth. " _I said stay still_!"

"I'm _trying_ to comfort the baby!" Ezran snapped, hugging the Dragon Brat's egg to his chest. "He's _scared_."

"It's going to be alright," Rayla said encouragingly. "We're almost there!"

"Wow, this is great, you two are working together and everything, I should put my life in danger more often-"

"We are the most dysfunctional fucking family," Callum muttered as he scooted up next to his brother and reached out his arms. "Okay, pass it over. That's it, nice and slow…" Carefully taking the egg from Ezran, Callum turned, holding it out for Rayla. "Alright, your turn. Take it!" She stared at him blankly.

"…What, that's it? You're just _giving_ it to me? After all that fuss about not being able to trust me?"

"Uhh…" Callum blinked. "Yes?"

"Well maybe I don't _want_ to carry it now." Rayla crossed her arms and lifted her chin stubbornly. "Have you thought about that?"

"Rayla, please! Look, I'm sorry for being a jerk to you before. I was wrong not to trust you, we're lucky to have you as a friend and I'm sorry for doubting you-"

"Yeah I lied."

Callum gasped.

" _I knew it you're not really a girl_ -"

"Of course she's a girl, Ez!" Callum snapped at him. "…Otherwise I'm gay. So, so gay."

"This morning," Rayla began, "the big rush wasn't because I shit my pants or killed someone or started my period. I was attacked by a Human." Callum gasped again. "And there's also this." She held up her wrist with the white string. "This is an Assassin's Binding, a Moonshadow Elf ritual."

"* _Gasp_ *!"

"Stop gasping! I haven't even gotten to the important part yet!"

"* _Gaaasp_!*- Oh, sorry." Callum blinked. "Just, like, tell me when."

"During the pre-game rally, I swore an oath to end Prince Ezran's life," Rayla went on, "and this binding will _never_ come off while he's alive. It'll just get tighter and tighter until my hand falls off."

The boys stared at her.

"…That…that was it. You can gasp now."

"Oh, okay. * _Gasp_ *!" Callum took a hit from an asthma inhaler and then looked at Rayla, his expression solemn. "Rayla, thank you for being honest with us. I know it must have been hard. I can't imagine the kind of pain you're going through, and I have nothing but respect-"

"How will you wipe your butt?" Ezran asked.

"Oh my God ignore him."

"Y'know, when you shit yourself after having too many berries. Because we all know it's gonna happen again."

"EZRAN. STOP." Callum took a deep breath and looked at Rayla with pleading eyes. "Just… _please_ take the egg. It's, like, way heavier than it looks. Twenty pounds at least."

"One more thing."

"* _GASP_ *- GAK!" Callum tried to gasp again but choked on his spit.

"The night I met you guys…" Rayla steeled herself before continuing. "Your father, the King, was-"

"Think fast!" Callum suddenly threw the egg straight at her. It hit her bad hand and immediately dropped, smashed through the ice, and disappeared into the dark, cold waters below. Callum stared at her. "…I can't believe you just dropped that. You were wide open. Now we're gonna lose the big game and I'll never date the hot cheerleader."

"I JUST told you my hand was fucked up! Why would you THROW it to me?!" Rayla shouted back, clutching her arm.

"You're right, my bad. Apologetic high-five?" He tentatively held up a hand. She just glared at him. "No? Pattycake? How about a handshake-"

"You're about to get a punch in the _dick_ -"

"I am the only one trying to save this family!" Ezran cried. "I have to do everything myself!" He quickly slapped on a snorkel, mask, and flippers ("Oh, so HE packed the right shit?") and dove straight into the water after the egg, disappearing from sight.

"Ez, NO!" Callum lunged after him, flinging his arm forward to-

Cast the line of his fishing pole.

"And now… _we wait_."

"…Are you fucking kidding me-"

"You're right, I don't have any tarts to use as bait. Unless I use actual Bait." He glanced at the toad, which immediately turned white to camouflage itself and disappeared. "Dammit, this isn't going to work! I'm going in after him!" Callum moved to dive in after Ezran, but Rayla grabbed him by the scarf and yanked him back.

"No, wait!"

"Okay, you need to stop doing that, this scarf is really important to me and you keep stretching it out-"

"Don't go in there, Callum! Ezran is brave and strong, he can do this! You just need to believe in him!"

" _This isn't fucking Finding Nemo bitch_ -"

"Also we need to be here to pull him out."

"…Oh. Yeah. Right. Good point." Callum blinked and settled back. "I forgot about that."

The two of them huddled around the hole in the ice, waiting anxiously at the edge for Ezran to reappear. Long minutes passed with no sign of his return.

"He's…he's gone…" Callum finally said, slumping in shock. "Great, now _I'm_ gonna need that book on grief!" He pulled it out of his bag and opened it. "Let's see, maybe it has advice on how to break the bad news to your father who's definitely not dead or anything."

"Uh, yeah, about that-" Rayla coughed, tugging nervously at the string around her wrist. She frowned in confusion, then gasped. "Hey, wait a second! It's still tight! Ezran's still alive!" She grabbed Callum and started to pull him across the ice. "He's here somewhere, let's look for him, quick!"

"Okay, Rayla, I think you're still in the denial phase," Callum said, flipping through the book. "You need to face the facts and come to terms with the reality that we've lost a loved one-"

* _Knock, knock._ *

They both looked down to see Ezran looking up at them from under the ice, the Dragon Brat's egg in his arms.

"Well, now we're _both_ having hallucinations. This happens too, lemme skip forwards to the chapter on that-" Rayla smacked the book out of his hands. "…Anger is a perfectly normal reaction to dealing with loss, but lashing out won't solve-" She punched him in the gut.

Ezran knocked again.

"OHMIGOD HE'S TRYING TO TELL A KNOCK-KNOCK JOKE HE'S REAL RAYLA HE'S REAL-"

"I fucking KNOW, Callum!" Rayla shoved him away and knelt on the ice. "Hey, Ezran! Knock, knock! Who's there? ME, bitch!" She tried to smash through the ice with her knives, but they barely scratched the surface. "…I missed the punch-line. Elf humor is like, way more sophisticated."

"Dammit, the ice is too thick! Where will we _ever_ find something hard and thick enough to break-" Callum cut off mid-sentence as Rayla grabbed him by the hair and slammed his forehead down onto the ice, shattering it to pieces. "…I should have seen that coming." Together they hauled Ezran and the egg out of the water. Callum gently picked his brother up, close to tears.

"You did it, Ez! You saved the egg! You got it back! Frozen to a solid chunk probably and completely dead inside now, but you still got it!" Ezran didn't respond, lying limply in his arms. "…Ez, I am not falling for that again. The last time you pretended to be dead I leaned in real close and you burped right in my face. It was disgusting. My mouth was open and everything. I could taste your last meal. I'm NOT falling for it again. I'm NOT." Still nothing. "…Ezran?" He slowly leaned in closer.

Ezran burped in his face.

"I FUCKING KNEW IT!" Rayla burst out laughing as Callum gagged, shoving Ezran away from him. The little Prince chuckled weakly.

"Got…you…" Ezran lifted his head and squinted, looking around. "Where…where is he? Where's my baby?" They all turned to see the Dragon Brat's egg sitting on the ice nearby. Its usual brilliant glow was muted, its inner light flickering and faint. "…Quick, someone sit on him. I nominate Callum. Make sure you stick him _waaaay_ up there so he warms up."

Callum groaned and began undoing his belt. "The things I do for world peace…"

-Episode 6 End-


	7. Episode 7: The Dumbass and the Woof

The Dragon Brat

Episode 7

The Dumbass and the Woof

Snow fell sleepily on the mountaintops, scattering on the surface of a frozen lake that gleamed in the moonlight. A soft, warm glow came from a nearby cave, where inside, the two Princes were gathered around a small fire, Callum busily fussing over Ezran.

"I don't get it, why aren't you warming up?" Callum asked aloud, adjusting the blankets in frustration.

"Probably because I stuffed the ice-cold egg down my shirt again," Ezran answered, pulling the blanket down to reveal his bulging stomach. "Ah-CHOO! _Brrrr_!"

"Dammit, Ez!"

"I'm just trying to warm the Dragon Brat up like any good mother would!"

"Then put him in the _fire_!"

"And make him into scrambled eggs?! I don't think so!" Ezran crossed his arms protectively over his protruding stomach. Callum sighed in defeat and sat back down, pulling out his sketchbook. After a moment, Ezran scooted closer for a peek. "What are you drawing? Do you take requests? I'm totally not gonna pay you for it tho. I have an OC that-" He blinked when he saw the sketch was a portrait of their late mother.

"I was… _really_ scared when you were trapped under the ice," Callum said quietly as he sketched. "I thought I was gonna lose you, too. But you made it…and now I can't stop thinking…maybe she was watching over-"

"Why is she wearing a bikini?"

" _That's the only clothing I know how to draw I'm working on it shut up_." Callum took a breath and went on. "I think…if she knew what we were trying to do…she would be _proud_ of us." He turned to smile warmly at his brother and Ezran sneezed right in his face. "Okay that's it. I'm making a brother burrito. Come here!" Ezran shrieked as Callum swept him up and started wrapping him tightly in the blanket. "Gotta make sure all the stuffing's tucked in gooood…and now I'm putting you over the fire to cook-"

"Why are you cooking your brother?" Rayla asked, suddenly standing at the cave entrance. "Is this a Human thing? I don't judge."

"…It's a long story-" Callum began.

"I'm an egg burrito!" Ezran said proudly. Rayla blinked.

"…That makes perfect sense." She walked closer to the pair and sat with them. "Here, I found some Moonberries for us to eat." She held out a handful. Ezran wriggled an arm free and reached over but was stopped by Callum.

"Aren't they _alcoholic_?"

"I can stop anytime I want-"

"Ez, shh!"

"Only in liquid form, silly," Rayla said, rolling her eyes. Callum shrugged and took a few, Ezran shoving the rest in his mouth. " _Hold on wait I just remembered as solid berries they're poisonous to Humans spit them out spit them out_." Callum gagged and spat his out, then turned and gave Ezran the Heimlich.

"My face is all tingly!" Ezran giggled.

"Can you _please_ stop trying to kill us?!" Callum said, glaring at Rayla.

"I'm not _actually_ trying, I swear! It was an accident!" Rayla shrugged helplessly. "Anyway, I found these for you, Ezran." She held out two green berries. "They're a cure for your sniffles."

"Hey, thanks!" Ezran smiled and took them.

"Now, this is going to sound kinda weird, but you need to- oh okay nevermind you already knew how to use them." Ezran had already shoved the berries right up his nostrils. He blinked at her.

"What? Oh. I mean…yeah of course I knew."

"Here, Callum," Rayla pulled out several brown berries. "These should help with your constipation. You have to shove them-"

"THAT IS NOT HAPPENING."

"Tch, fine. Ungrateful. How's the Dragon Brat doing?" Rayla asked, changing the subject.

"I don't think he's getting better," Callum admitted, his voice dropping in a hush. "The egg was glowing so brightly before, but now the light is really dim and weak-"

"Maybe he's just running out of batteries," Ezran suggested. "Y'know, like a flashlight. We just need to shake him a few times, give him a couple good whacks."

"Or, you know, he's fucking DYING." Rayla gave him a look, then turned it on Callum. "Because _somebody_ had to chuck him like a damn basketball."

"Hey, it's not my fault you can't catch!" Callum bristled. "You're the one who dropped him in the ice-cold lake and lost us the big game! Maybe it's _your_ fault he's still freezing."

"Or, maybe," Ezran cut in, "it's because _somebody_ refuses to sit on him again!"

"…I felt it _wiggle_." Callum glared at him. "I am NOT doing it again."

"…Wait is that how you got constipated in the first place-"

"RAYLA. ENOUGH."

"We don't have a choice," Ezran said, sighing heavily. "We have to find help." His head drooped and he sniffled.

"Hey, don't worry," Rayla patted his back, her voice gentle. "I'm sure everything will-" Ezran sneezed in her face. "…Okay that's it. We're spit-roasting this bitch like a rotisserie chicken." She nodded at Callum. "You get one end, I'll get the other."

"Roger." Callum grabbed Ezran's feet and hauled him up as he screeched piercingly.

-Meanwhile-

Elsewhere, Claudia and Soren rode on horseback through the woods, a pack of dogs close at their heels. They broke from the tree line and arrived at the Banther Lodge, where they dismounted and glanced around.

"Welp, they're not here," Soren said. "Time to give up."

"We've been here, like, five seconds," Claudia stated.

"Yes, and after a very thorough search, we've found absolutely no sign of the Princes."

"I think I see one of Ezran's Legos over there. And a half eaten jelly tart on that rock. And one of Callum's creepy bikini-girl drawings crumpled up over th-"

"LOOK, we're never going to find them, okay?" Soren insisted, crossing his arms. "So we should just give up and go home!"

"Soren, do you _want_ to find the boys?" Claudia asked him seriously.

"Of course I do!" Soren threw up his hands. The alphabetized murder manual given by their father fell out with a loud thump and he quickly snatched it up. "I can't wait to find them and smother them with love." He glanced down. "…And a pillow- OH GOD." He put the book away and covered his face with his hands.

"Oh, Soren, I know you miss them as much as I do," Claudia said gently. "But we need to focus! Work through the pain! We can find them, I know we can! And then this will all be over. The end. _Forever_." Soren choked. "So let's do our best, alright?"

"Okay, FINE." He whistled to the dogs, and they all rushed to him, tails wagging. He knelt down to dispense pets. "These are the _finest_ tracking hounds in all of Katolis- no Fluffy stop eating the horse poop- one _sniff_ and they'll be able to- okay now Pumpkin is rolling in it he's going to need a bath when we get home- track down the Princes- BUDDY STOP LICKING YOUR BALLS!"

"…Did you get these from the pound?" Claudia asked, lifting a brow. Soren looked up at her with big eyes.

"But…they were gonna be put to sleep if no one adopted them!"

"Those _monsters_!" Claudia gasped in horror. "I can't believe they'd just throw away animals like that!" She paused. "They would be the perfect ingredients for some of my spells!"

"Okay you're not allowed near my puppies any more," Soren said sternly. "Anyway, we can use them to track the Princes. And I have just the thing for them to sniff!" He reached into his pocket and pulled out…

A pair of Callum's dirty underwear.

"…Why do you have that-"

"They've found the trail!" Soren cried, ignoring her. "Hurry, after them!" The dogs took off, barking excitedly. Soren and Claudia jumped back onto their horses to follow.

"Wait you still haven't answered my question-"

"Quiet, Claudia! There's no time! We don't want to lose them!"

They followed the dogs through the woods, careful to stay close. The dogs swung around, back towards the lodge, then headed to the small wharf, where they all piled onto a boat and were immediately swept away by the strong pull of the river, barking and yelping as they disappeared. Claudia and Soren stared after the dwindling craft in silence.

"…Okay now what."

-With the Kids-

Callum, Ezran, and Rayla had been walking through the deep mountain snow for most of the morning when the younger Prince suddenly gasped and pointed off into the distance.

"Hey, look, you guys! A town!" Ezran cried excitedly. They stopped and looked over, spotting a village with stone houses and smoke drifting from chimneys. "Now we can get help! I'm _sure_ they'll have a veterinarian there." He paused. "And a short-order cook." The other two gave him a look. "Hey, I'm only Human. Unless, you know, we were gonna start eating each other. In that case, I call dibs on Callum. He'd be the easiest to subdue."

" _Speaking_ of Humans," Callum cut in, ignoring his brother, "I'm sure this town will also be full of the Elf-hating variety. We should be careful."

"We don't know that," Ezran pointed out. "They might _like_ Elves all the way up-" Callum wordlessly pointed over at a nearby snowman with pointed twig ears and horns that had been run through with several swords and had definitely been peed on, going by the yellow snow on one side. "Okay yeah we should definitely be careful. Here, Rayla, hold my hand. Don't worry, if anyone bothers you I'll ask them _very nicely_ to stop."

"Oh, calm down! I have the perfect solution." Rayla pulled on a cloak and yanked the hood up, hiding her ears and horns as she disguised herself. She grinned at the boys and waved. "S'up, fellow Humans! I am a perfectly normal Human meat sack of filth! Want to have a burping contest or consort in some other equally disgusting Human ritual?"

"…Well I'm convinced!" Ezran said solemnly. Callum just rolled his eyes.

"I sure do you enjoy slaughtering other races and stealing their land," she went on, gathering steam. "I can't wait to live for fifty pitiful years and waste it all on Netflix, crippling depression, and pizza!"

"…Okay that's kinda racist," Ezran stated after a long, awkward pause.

"…Oh my God it is. It's _super_ racist. I'm being super racist." Rayla's face went even paler.

"Yeah you crossed the line. Also, what are you going to do about your _hands_?" Callum pointed at them, which were obviously lacking a fifth digit.

"Uhh…just a sec." Rayla glanced around, then scuttled over and stole the gloves from the snowelf.

"…Now his hands are going to be cold," Ezran said in a quiet, upset voice.

"Here we go!" Rayla held up her gloved hands triumphantly, the pinky fingers hanging limp. "It's cool you guys, I'll just say I broke both my pinkies in a tragic hunting accident-"

"Yeah I don't think this'll work."

"Oh come on, it's foolproof-"

"Hello, strangers!" A man suddenly emerged. "Welcome to OH MY _GOD_ YOU'RE AN _ELF_ -"

"I BROKE MY PINKIES IN A TRAGIC HUNTING ACCIDENT!" Rayla shrieked as she knocked the approaching Human out and quickly entombed him in the nearby snowman. The boys stared at her, mouths agape. "What? I poked holes in there. He can _breathe_."

"Okay seriously let's GO."

They entered the town and began wandering about, searching for a veterinarian and, more importantly, a fast-food joint. They halted at an open courtyard with a fountain, where a blonde man with a moustache was talking to a gathered crowd.

"Oh God, a Jehova Witness, avoid eye contact and keep walking-"

"Don't be mean!" Ezran kicked Callum in the shin. "Let's at least _listen_."

"Everyone gather round, have I got a deal of a lifetime for you!" The blonde man boomed out, waving his arms. "A revolutionary new product that is guaranteed to change your life!"

"Oh God even worse he's _selling_ something-"

" _Shh_! I wanna hear!" Ezran pulled the other two through the crowd, moving closer to the front. "Maybe it's a new snuggie! Or a fidget spinner!"

"Now, who would like to help me demonstrate? Any volunteers?" the man called, gesturing at the crowd. The townspeople all began to murmur amongst themselves. A hulking, heavily-muscled man stomped up, grunting as he slammed down a huge ten-foot blade in front of the blond man.

"This isn't even my _biggest_ sword," he said tauntingly. The other man stared up at him in silence.

"…Are you…are you talking about your dick? Because honestly? I'm down."

The townspeople immediately went into a frenzy, making bets on who would emerge the victor—of _whatever_ scenario came next. Callum scowled in disapproval.

"Okay, I think it's time to go, this is no longer a family-friendly gathering-"

"I got five on the blonde guy!"

" _Ezran_!"

The blonde man calmly pulled out a glowing red dagger with strange symbols engraved on the blade and with a flick of the wrist, effortlessly cut the larger man's sword down, piece by piece, leaving only the glowing hilt.

"Want me to do your dick, too?" he teased. The crowd exploded with laughter, and the large man burst into tears and ran away in shame.

"My dick is average-sized! _Averaaaaage_!"

"And there we have it!" The man turned to the crowd and held the dagger aloft. "It slices! It dices! It emasculates! It's hotter than the sun! And it's yours for just three easy payments of $19.99! Plus shipping and handling. Order now, and you'll get a second one for free!" Everyone immediately started flinging money at him. Coins clattered and bounced off his body. An entire ingot of gold smashed him in the head. "OW FUCK OW OW- DOES _NO-ONE_ USE PAPER CURRENCY ANYMORE?!"

"What the hell was that?" Ezran asked in wonder. "Also, I won the bet. Where's my money?"

"It's a Sunforge blade," Rayla explained. "In Xadia, Sunfire Elves can make magic weapons that stay as hot as the moment they're forged for hundreds of years. It can cut through _anything_ -"

"Even the _sizzling_ sexual tension between us?" Callum asked, sliding an arm around her shoulder. She punched him in the throat, then noticed her still-purple arm.

"Hey, wait! It can cut through my wrist binding! _Yes_!" She gave Callum a hug and kiss on the cheek.

"My penis is so confused," he whimpered.

"How are you going to get the dagger?" Ezran asked.

"I'm going to ask nicely," Rayla told him.

"…Are you really, though?"

"Alright you got me. I'm going to punch him in the dick and steal it."

"Can you at least say you're sorry when you do it?"

"Deal." Rayla shook on it, then paused. "Wait, what about the egg?"

"Oh, don't worry, we'll take care of it." Callum waved her away. "Just meet us back here at the statue when you're done hiding the bod- I mean… _borrowing_ the knife, okay?" Rayla gave them a parting wave and skipped merrily off. Callum and Ezran watched her disappear into the crowd. "That dude is so fucking dead."

"…She's gonna kill him with kindness?"

"Sure, Ez. Sure."

-Back at the Lodge-

Soren and Claudia stood on the small bridge overlooking the stream, at a loss.

"What are we going to do?" Soren asked, pacing around. "Every minute we sit here, the Princes are getting farther and farther away and are getting less and less deader oh my GOD I can't deal with the pressure I gotta work out some of this stress-" He dropped down and started doing push-ups. "Come on, Clods, can't you at least DO something to help, like sit on my back?"

"I know a tracking spell…" Claudia said, thinking hard, "but first I need something from the Princes." Soren held up the underwear, which had attracted several loudly buzzing flies. "Why do you still have that- _anyway_. Something more personal than that." Soren stared at her for a long moment.

"…Are…are we talking poop?"

Claudia snapped on a pair of rubber gloves and put a paper mask over her mouth. "Look, just get a shovel and I'll meet you back by the outhouse- wait what's that on the tree?" Claudia had caught sight of something moving on a nearby tree and went to investigate. Rayla's severed braid was pinned to the bark by an arrow, waving in the wind. "Hey, this would work!"

"Oh thank God." Soren threw his shovel into the bushes and pulled the wadded-up Kleenex out of his nostrils.

"Let's see…" Claudia pulled the braid free and inspected it closely. "Yes…this is perfect! We'll be able to find the Princes wherever we find that vile, barbaric, _bloodthirsty_ Elf assassin- oh what a cute braid and it's so soft I wonder what conditioner she uses and oh my God it smells so _good_ Soren come here and smell this-"

-Back in the Town-

Meanwhile, Callum and Ezran had searched the town and finally located the veterinarian clinic, a large barn with a sign out front. They wandered inside to find a man deep in conversation with a horse in a stall.

"And when do you think this fear of carriages started? Could it be connected to some traumatic incident from your childhood?"

"…Uh, are we interrupting anything?" Callum asked awkwardly. The vet, an older man with glasses and an apron, looked up, scowling.

"We'll pick this up again in our next session," he said to the horse, then turned to the boys. "Haven't you kids ever heard of patient confidentiality? Sheesh. Did you two check in at the reception desk?"

"…There was a cat there," Ezran said.

"Yes, she's my secretary."

"…It scratched me," Callum stated.

"Yes, that's how she signs you in."

"No, it scratched me a LOT." He held up his bleeding arm.

"Oh. Well then she just doesn't like you." The vet adjusted his glasses and glanced down at Bait, who was peeking out from behind Ezran's leg. "You'll be wanting to put this one to sleep, right? Put the poor ugly thing out of its misery?" He pulled out a needle and started to fill it with clear liquid. "All right, hand him over. Let's give him the mercy that only death will bring him."

"What? No!" Ezran wailed in horror.

"Oh, right. How insensitive of me." The vet paused, then pointed at Callum. "You there, cover the boy's eyes so he doesn't have to watch."

"That's NOT why we're here!" Callum snatched up Bait and stuffed him into a backpack.

"Aww, what happened?" Ezran cooed, going over and rubbing the shivering horse's nose. It snorted mucus on him affectionately. "You saw something scary, didn't you? I know how you feel. One time I walked in on Callum taking a poop-"

"You _kicked_ the door open!" Callum shouted. "And then you just stood there and _laughed_!"

"That's how I hide my pain. My _trauma_."

"She ran away up the mountain, the Cursed Caldera," the vet explained. "Whatever she saw, it spooked her real good. It's gonna take a least a dozen sessions of therapy before she starts getting over it." He gave the horse a pat before turning his attention back to the boys. "So! What can I do for you?" They looked at each other, hesitating with the weight of their world-changing secret. "I charge by the minute, mind you." Callum swore and scrambled for the backpack.

-Elsewhere in Town-

Meanwhile, the blonde man with the Sunforge dagger skipped merrily down the street, his pockets jingling along. Rayla slunk behind him, keeping to the shadows as she followed him closely. Now if she could just-

"Hewwo, pwetty ewf wady!"

"Oh my God shut the fuck up!" Rayla hissed, shoving the little girl back inside the house and slamming the door. The man wheeled about at the sound, saw her, and took off. " _Shit_!" Rayla shot after him, chasing the man through several back alleys. He gasped and stopped short as he ran into a dead end.

"Alright, you've cornered me!" The man turned around, throwing his hands up in defeat. "Just tell me what you want!"

"I think you _know_ what I want," Rayla growled. "Now give it to me." The man slowly reached for his belt…and dropped his pants with a clang of heavy coins. "Oh my God what the _fuck_?! What are you _doing_?!"

"What? B…but you said…you asked me to…!" the man sputtered in confusion.

"I meant your _dagger_!" The man stared, eyebrows raised. "YOUR _SUNFORGE_ DAGGER, NOT YOUR _DICK_!" Rayla rolled her eyes. "Why does this shit keep happening to me?" She glared at him. "You're lucky you have boxers on, otherwise I'd be cutting your dick off."

The man stood there in his heart-print boxers and raised an eyebrow. "…Are you SURE-"

"YES I'M FUCKING SURE SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

-With the Princes-

The Princes stood with the veterinarian, the Dragon Brat's egg sitting on a table, its stained-glass shell glowing weakly. The man gaped at it in awe, eyes wide and mouth hanging open in resplendent awe.

"…It's a chicken egg," Callum said after a moment.

-Back With Rayla-

"Look, you idiot, I just want your help!" Rayla snapped out. The man snorted at her.

"Why should I help you?" he argued, hands on his hips. "You just tried to have your _way_ with me."

"Because I promise I'm not going to- can you pull up your pants? I can't talk to you like this. I'm feel like I'm on that dateline show, To Catch a Predator."

"You're right, my sexiness is too distracting." The man nodded knowingly. "I will show mercy on you this one time." He pulled his pants back up and adjusted his belt. "Now, you were saying?"

"I want to use your dagger to cut this thing off of me," Rayla begged, holding out her purple arm and pointing at the white bracelet.

"Alright then," he said, shrugging. "Like I said, just three easy payments of-"

"I don't have any money."

"Then no."

Rayla cracked her knuckles. "How about three easy payments of ass-kicking?"

"Oop just so happens you're my hundredth customer today! You get it for free! How lucky!" The man pulled out his Sunforge dagger and quickly held it out to her. Rayla sighed with relief and reached to take it. "Wait let's at least shake on it-" He grabbed her hand and accidentally yanked off her glove, revealing her fingers. He gasped.

"…I lost my pinky finger in a horrible hunting accident," Rayla began. A sudden breeze blew the hood off her head, revealing her pointed ears and horns. He gasped again, louder. "…I was born with my ears disfigured and these things on my head are just strange growths-" The breeze increased, blowing off her cloak entirely, revealing her green Elf garb. He gasped a third time, then erupted into violent hacking. "…Okay you know what fuck it." She immediately punched him in the dick. He doubled over, gurgling. "Wow, I really need to thank Callum, I am getting SO much better at that no matter how small the target is, what with all the practice on him," Rayla said to herself, taking the Sunforge dagger. Steeling herself, she slowly brought the red-hot blade close to her bracelet, carefully trying to sever the strands.

"Hurry it up, I'm hungry and I think I smell a barbeque," the blonde man choked out impatiently.

"Shut up, I'm going as fast as OH MY GOD IT'S ME I'M THE BARBEQUE!" Rayla shrieked and pulled the dagger away from her burning flesh, only to see it had no effect whatsoever on her bracelet. "Dammit, it didn't fucking work!" She glared at the man. "I want a refund." He stared back with wide eyes and gulped.

"…Results may vary."

"I thought satisfaction was guaranteed!"

"You didn't read the fine-print-"

"God! Forget it! I'm done with you." Rayla hurled the knife at the man's feet. He snatched it up, screamed, and quickly dropped it again while he thrust his hands into snow, steam squealing and billowing upwards. "I'm outta here." She turned and stormed off, leaving the man alone.

"…I can't believe this! She just… _used_ me and left!" he muttered to himself in outrage, then paused thoughtfully. "…Does this count as a one-night stand? I'm counting it."

-With Claudia and Soren-

Claudia and Soren had ventured deep into the woods, Soren standing watch while his sister had her head in a bush.

"So…what are we doing here?" Soren asked.

"I just need _one_ more thing for the tracking spell," Claudia said, straightening. She held out a handful of berries.

"Okay great we're done!" Soren clapped his hands together. "Now let's go and-" She tossed the berries into her mouth and started to chew. "Okay nevermind you're fucking eating them WHY are you eating them don't we NEED them for the spell?"

"What? Oh, no, I was just hungry, silly. _Now_ we can go get the last thing-" Claudia cut off as her stomach gurgled loudly. "…Oh no." She scurried away to find a place to relieve herself, slipping into a crack in the cliff wall. After several moments, she popped her head back out. "Good news is, I found where I can get the last ingredient! Bad news is…I made a mess in here."

"Alright!" Soren began to inch inside the crack after Claudia. "Let's just hurry and get that last- aw SICK I think I stepped in it!"

-With the Princes-

"That's a Dragon Egg," the vet stated matter-of-factly.

"Whaaaat?" Callum cried, very fakely. "No, of course not, it's a perfectly normal chicken egg, just like we said." He paused. "…You shoulda see the chicken that laid it."

"No, I'm pretty sure it's a Dragon Egg," the vet repeated.

"Okay, you got me. It's actually an art project of my little brother's, it's just covered in glitter and glow-in-the-dark stickers and shit-"

"He likes to feel pretty, and unrestricted by gender norms," Ezran said solemnly. Callum elbowed him. "I mean…the baby chicken. Inside this chicken egg. That was definitely laid by a chicken."

"I've never seen one before…only from pictures in books," the vet went on, still in awe. "I'll do what I can…" He gently reached out and touched the egg…and tucked it into his shirt just like Ezran.

" _Ha_!" Ezran wheeled around and glared at Callum triumphantly. He just rolled his eyes.

"I can feel a heartbeat, but it's faint and slow," the vet said, eyes closed as he concentrated, palms rubbing back and forth across the egg like an expectant mother. "I'm afraid…it's _dying_." The boys gasped. "I don't know what I can do to save it…not even the _warmest_ butt could help it now. I'm sorry." He pulled the egg back out and sadly handed it back to them. "That'll be five hundred dollars. Cash or check?"

"Noooo!" Ezran burst into tears and clutched the egg to his chest. "I was gonna be the best mom ever! This isn't _fair_!" Callum gave him a hug and started herding him towards the door.

"Come on, Ez," he said gently. "Don't give up. We'll find another way. Let's go…stick it in an oven or something-"

"Wait!" The boys stopped and looked back at the vet, who frowned in consternation. "I don't really want to tell you about this, because it's _incredibly_ dangerous and stupid-"

"Sounds right up our alley," Callum said. "Please, continue."

"There was a miracle that happened a few years ago," the vet explained. "Up on the Cursed Caldera. There's someone you should go see." He paused, then held up a huge surgical knife. "But first I need to castrate this bull, and I could really use another hand. Hold its head for me."

"What? No! I'm not doing that."

"I'll give you a discount."

"Look away, Ez."

-Later-

After thoroughly washing the bull's blood and…other bits off, the Princes followed the vet's instructions, traveling to a certain house in the little village where they met a young girl with black hair and fur-lined clothing. She smiled warmly at them and invited them inside.

"Hello, I'm Ellis," she greeted them, "and this is my sweet baby wolf, Ava!"

"RAFF RAFF RAFF!" A huge wolf with matted fur and wild eyes was chained to the wall, a muzzle strapped over its snout, snarling and thrashing violently. It lunged forward, snapping its jaws and spraying foamed spittle everywhere.

"Awww, I love you too, sweetie!" Ellis blew the crazed wolf a kiss. "She's so friendly!"

Callum and Ezran were pressed up against the opposite wall, too frozen in terror to move.

"F…friendly, right," Callum choked out, "and totally not about to eat our faces off."

"Listen, girl, I'm an animal lover too," Ez said sternly, "but there is a LINE. And that line is RABIES."

"The vet is right, there _was_ a miracle," Ellis went on, sitting down by the crackling fireplace as the wolf went nuts the whole time, straining against its chains, "and without it, Ava would be dead! Two years ago, I found her in the woods when she was just a little pup. She was caught in a hunter's trap, and her front paw was crushed." The boys aww'd in sympathy. "So I chopped it off with a rusty hacksaw, rubbed some dirt on it, and dragged her back to the village!" The boys choked. "But for some reason she just got worse, acting up and biting things! My stupid dad refused to let me keep her, saying she was going to maul my face off the first chance she got!"

"I still stand by that statement," Ellis' father said, poking his head in. "Here's Ava's supper." He pushed a live goat into the room towards the wolf, which immediately broke its muzzle, seized the goat's leg in its jaws, and shook it viciously, splattering the walls with blood. Callum and Ezran gaped in horror as the goat's piteous bleats cut off. "…I rest my case."

"Shut up! I hate you daddy, you don't understand!" Ellis shrieked at him, then continued with her story while Ava noisily crunched and ate the bones before swallowing the rest of the goat whole. "Anyway, I got mad at my stupid daddy and took her someplace no one would find us…up the mountain, the Cursed Caldera. I saw lots of weird, creepy things…but it was nothing compared to some of the scary movies I've been watching!"

"That reminds me, we really need to put some parental controls on our internet."

"LEAVE, daddy!" Ellis screamed. He ducked out of the room, and she went on. "I took shelter in a cave and was contemplating eating Ava for sustenance, and that's when it happened: a weird lady appeared! She touched Ava, and there was a bright light and when it was gone, she and my wallet had disappeared and Ava was all better! She was my perfectly behaved puppy! I mean, just look at her!"

They all looked over at Ava, who was angrily chewing on her chain with cracked, bloody teeth, snarling and glaring murderously at them.

"Alright, that settles it. We have to find this miracle healer!" Callum said, clapping his hands and standing. "C'mon Ez, let's go-"

"RAFF RAFF RAFF!"

"Oh my fucking God okay no loud sounds or sudden movements." He and Ezran started inching towards the door. "Slowly… _sloooowwwwly_ …"

-Back in the Woods-

Ducking her head, Claudia ventured deeper into the crack in the cliff, using her magically glowing hand as a flashlight to light the way.

"Hey, wait for me!" Soren grumbled as he scraped along behind her, his bulky armor screeching as it barely cleared the gap. Suddenly he stopped, stuck tight. "Dammit, my chest muscles are too damn swole, I can't move!" He paused. "…I don't know whether to be proud or annoyed about this."

"You're stuck?" Claudia glanced back at him and shrugged. "Okay, well you know the drill, just hang out there while I go find some _butter_ -"

"Are you kidding me? You eat everything, how do you NOT already have some butter on you?"

"No, silly, you're thinking of _peanut_ butter, that's sticky and it won't help, don't you remember when we tried that before and you started crying and-"

"Oh God please just hurry up it stinks in here from where I stepped in your mess and got really grossed out and puked, then stepped in that, got grossed out again and puked again-"

With a roll of her eyes, Claudia continued on, emerging in a large cavern where the walls glowed with beautiful phosphorescent mushrooms. Dozens of green fireflies immediately swarmed around her face, attracted to the light from her hand. Claudia flailed and drew a breath to scream, accidentally inhaled a few bugs, and choked. Gagging, she scrambled for a jar, then hawked and spit the bugs out into the glass, quickly screwing on the lid.

"Ha HA, I've got them!" she said triumphantly. "…I mean, other than the ones I swallowed. But anyway! We've got all the ingredients for the spell now, Soren!"

"Alright, good, great! I'm like, _so_ happy for us." Soren called, his voice echoing. There was a pause. "…Now how do we cast it?"

"Oh, easy. We just have to climb the tallest mountain in all of Katolis!"

There was another, longer pause.

"Okay, why the HELL didn't you tell me about that BEFORE we left? I didn't pack my climbing shoes OH MY GOD THERE'S A SPIDER ON MY FACE AND I CAN'T MOVE AND BRUSH IT OFF CLAAAAAUDS-"

-Back in Town-

Rayla sat at the base of the burbling fountain in the town's courtyard, slumped over in defeat. She hadn't been able to find her cloak and had to make do with a picnic blanket she'd stolen off someone's clothesline. She pulled it tighter over her head, sure that no-one would-

"Mommy, look at the sad Elf lady wearing a picnic blanket like a total weirdo!"

"Oh my GOD I give up!" Rayla cried, throwing off the blanket. Everyone screamed at the sight of her pointed ears and horns and ran. "…Yeah I don't even fucking care any more." Callum and Ezran came jogging up, panting.

"Hey, Rayla! Did you get that guy's knife?" Ezran asked excitedly. "Did you cut off your bracelet? Did you remember to say sorry?"

"…Did you at least hide the body well-" Callum began.

"So. Bad news. The Sunforge blade didn't work," she said bluntly, holding up her purple arm, bracelet still intact. "Worse news? He knows I'm an Elf." She paused. "And so does everyone else now, I guess." She paused again, then sniffed. "…Why do you guys smell like wolf piss and untold terror?"

"So. Bad news. The egg is dying," Ezran said quietly. "Worse news? We might all be dying soon."

"…What."

"We have to climb up the Cursed Caldera," Callum explained, "one of the tallest, most dangerous mountains in Katolis, which is infested with terrifying monsters, on the incredibly slim chance we find a magical miracle healer who can save it. Oh, and the person who told us about this so-called miracle healer is some crazy kid who believes her rabid wolf pet is a sweet baby puppers that is not about to eat her face off. Plot twist! It is."

"…Are you two fucking kidding me." Rayla stared at them in disbelief. "You expect me to put my life on the line by climbing some death-mountain on the slightest off-chance that some kid's imaginary friend shows up? That is the _worst_ fucking idea you have _ever_ -"

"There she is! The Elf who _molested_ me!" The blonde man from earlier appeared, a mob of people with pitchforks and torches behind him.

"Okay guys let's go climb the killer mountain who's with me-"

"She USED me and then left! Like it meant _nothing_ to her!"

"Yeah, because your tiny dagger didn't work!" Rayla shouted back at him. "Satisfaction guaranteed, my ass!"

"How DARE—"

"You're not _helping_!" Callum and Ezran grabbed one hand each and hauled her off. They ran through the village, dodging murderous villagers left and right, finally escaping the town and heading towards the Cursed Caldera in the distance. The blonde man halted at the town's edge, holding up a hand to stop the mob and shaking his head.

"No. There's no point following them up there," he said darkly. "They'll _never_ make it out alive…"

"A little girl did," someone said from the back. "Like, seriously, she was what, five years old, tops?"

"…Oh shit you're right, after them!"

-Episode 7 End-


	8. Episode 8: Worst Caldera

The Dragon Brat

Episode 8

Worst Caldera

Ezran and Rayla dashed up the steep mountainside of the Cursed Caldera, dodging passed twisting, gnarled trees, the sun just beginning to set behind them. They finally stopped to hide behind a particularly large tree, pausing to catch their breath and peek behind them to see if they were safe from the murderous mob of racist villagers. Several long minutes later, Callum came stumbling after them, drenched in sweat and gasping for air.

"Okay, we're definitely safe if _he_ managed to away," Rayla said to Ezran.

"You guys…wait…for me!" Callum panted out, then collapsed next to them in a heap, his legs flopping like limp noodles. He pulled off his scarf to wipe his sweaty face. "Oh GOD that was a climb my thighs are burning and I've got a stitch in my side, what the fuck is my BPM-"

"We ran for, like, two minutes," Rayla stated. "I've had more strenuous bowel movements."

"…Was it berries?" Ezran asked.

"No seriously, you guys, it feels like my heart's coming up my throat- oh no wait that's just puke- * _HUUURK_ *!"

"I still think we should have tripped and left him behind as bait for the villagers," Rayla muttered under her breath to Ezran. "Or, you know, no reason, just because."

"I said no!" Ezran hissed at her.

"I can't move my toes, Rayla you're gonna have to carry me the rest of the way up-"

"We _need_ him!" Ezran went on.

"For what?" She raised an eyebrow. "All the bitching and moaning?"

"Oh no wait the feeling's coming back now- _aaagh! Leg cramp_!"

"…Comic relief?"

"…Alright fine you got me there." Rayla settled back, rolling her eyes. "How are we even supposed to find this so-called 'miracle healer' to save the Dragon Brat?"

A shadow loomed from the rocks above them, a pair of eyes glowing red like sinister lamps. They all screamed and grabbed each other, except for Callum, who went for a titty and got a knee in the crotch instead.

"Don't worry, guys! It's just me!" The shadow stepped forward, revealing Ellis, the crazy little girl, sitting astride Ava, her crazy big wolf. The three stared at them for a long moment.

Callum and Ezran screamed again.

"You guys are _meaaan_!" Ellis shouted at them.

"Sorry, it's the PTSD from _almost having our faces eaten off_." Callum glared at her, then blinked in confusion. "Wait a second, how did you even _ride_ that bitch up here?"

"Easy!" Ellis pulled out a long wooden pole with a piece of meat tied to a string at the end. Ava snarled and started running around in circles, snapping desperately for a bite.

"…What happens if she gets the meat?" Ezran whispered, eyes wide with terror.

"What are you doing here, Ellis?" Callum wobbled to his feet and crossed his arms sternly. "Selling Girl Scout cookies?"

"I'll take a box of Thin Mints," Ezran said immediately.

"Ez, NO, put your wallet away. I'm just saying, this mountain is _dangerous_ and it's no place for a kid- Ezran NO not YOU get back here-"

"Follow me!" Ellis told them cheerfully. "I'll help you find the miracle healer!"

"Yeah no we're all set." Callum held up a hand. "Pass."

"But…but this mountain is filled with evil, horrible monsters ready to devour you whole!"

"…You mean other than the wolf?"

" _Hey_!" Ellis gasped indignantly. "Ava is the sweetest, _gentlest_ \- no baby spit the boy out, bad wolfie-"

"Ezran oh my God!"

"SHE GOT THE MEAT HELP ME CALLUM SHE GOT THE MEAT-"

One freshly hung piece of meat and a slobber-covered brother later, the others had finally agreed to allow Ellis to show them the way up the mountain for the price of a box of Thin Mints each. Munching on their cookies, Callum, Ezran and Rayla continued up the trail, following close behind the large wolf. But not too close, in case she gave up on the meat and went for something… _fresher_.

"So, is anyone going to tell me who the kid is?" Rayla asked after a moment, her mouth full. "I mean, other than bat-shit crazy."

"She's that psycho girl with the pet rabid wolf we told you about!" Ezran whispered fiercely. "And that's saying something, coming from me."

"…You mean she's _real_?" Rayla gaped at them. "I thought you two were just screwing with me! I mean, nobody's _that_ dumb-"

"Puppy kisses!" Ellis giggled as Ava snapped viciously for the meat, drops of slobber spattering the girl's face.

"Holy shit I can't believe- wait a second." Rayla stopped and looked deadpan at Callum. "I know you. Of course someone is that dumb." Callum rolled his eyes.

"I suppose I should introduce you two properly," he sighed. "Ellis, this is the Elf Rayla. She broke into our castle and tried to kill my brother and me."

"…I said I was sorry," Rayla muttered.

"Not to _me_!"

"Yeah you don't matter." Rayla leaned over and gave Ezran a big hug and a kiss. " _Mmmwah_! So anyway, how do we find this healer?"

"It's easy!" Ellis began. "One of you just has to let me hack off one of your legs!" She held up a rusty hacksaw and smiled sweetly.

"…Why do you still _have_ that?" Callum asked.

"I nominate Callum!" Ezran said quickly, raising his hand.

"What? Hey! No, shut up-"

"All in favor, say 'aye'."

"AYE!" Rayla and Ellis chorused, hands up.

"You guys are NOT funny no one come near me _get away from me_ -"

"Oh my God, Callum, calm down." Rayla said, holding up her hands. "We're just _joking_."

"…Okay fine but you guys are taking it a bit too far," Callum grumbled, relaxing, and Rayla seized him in a headlock.

"I've got him! Quick, Ezran, hold him down while Ellis gets the saw-" Callum shrieked and started thrashing around violently. Rayla let him go. "God, man. Learn how to take a _joke_." Callum just started rocking and sucking his thumb.

"The truth is, I never found the miracle healer, she found _us_ ," Ellis admitted. "I dragged Ava's unconscious body all the way up to a big hollow tree near the top of the mountain." She paused thoughtfully. "She must have followed the blood trail."

"Can she help with recent mental _trauma_?" Callum spoke up, glaring at Rayla. She faked a grab. He flinched.

"Am I going to have to separate you two?" Ezran asked in a stern voice. "We can turn around and go right back down this mountain-"

"Look, this whole idea is just stupid." Rayla argued, frowning. "We climb all the way up this frigging murder mountain, find a tree, and just _hope_ that a stranger from three years ago shows up again? _Really_?"

"What else are we supposed to do, Rayla?" Callum threw up his hands. "She's not exactly in the fucking Yellow pages-"

"We can always hack someone's leg off," Ellis piped up.

"You shut up! You're not allowed to talk!"

"Let's just get to the tree for now," Ezran suggested. "We'll figure out what to do next after that. I suggest _supper_." He gasped suddenly. "Hey, maybe the healer can help your hand!" He glanced at Rayla's purpling appendage. She huffed.

"Oh please, my hand is _fine_ -"

"High five!" Ezran gave her hand a slap. She clutched it and screamed in pain. "Yep, _definitely_ fine."

"If I wasn't in excruciating pain, I would totally flip you off," Rayla hissed out through gritted teeth. "…Godammit no I wouldn't, you're too adorable-"

The group continued the dangerous climb up the Caldera, leaping across gaps, walking carefully over fallen trees, inching their way along narrow ledges, rappelling up cliffs-

"Okay, that's just not fair!" Callum yelled up at Rayla, who dangled high above them. "Get back down here and walk like the rest of us!"

"What?" she called back innocently. "Sorry, I can't _hear_ you all the way up here!"

"You're such a bitch-"

" _I fucking heard that you little shit I'm coming down right now_ -"

"Oh shit outta my way-"

Finally, the group emerged out onto a jutting cliff face with a stunning view of the setting sun washing the distant horizon a deep crimson.

"What a beautiful sunset," Ellis sighed wistfully. "Almost the exact same shade of red as the blood that's about to be spilled! Let the nightmare begin!"

"…Oh God this is it, she's gonna murder us all, I fucking TOLD you guys but you wouldn't listen-"

"Oh, don't be silly," Ellis said. "If I wanted to murder you guys, I'd need way more than just my hacksaw." The others exchanged concerned looks as she continued. "I'm just warning you, it's about to get _real_ scary, so be ready!"

"Oh, please," Rayla snorted. "I've spent the last few weeks with this idiot, I can handle anything."

"Hey!" Callum glared at her. "…You're _welcome_."

"Plus, the higher we climb, the worse it will get," Ellis continued. "I'm talking huge monsters, terrible things! I fully expect at least one of you to poop your pants." She looked meaningfully at Callum. "My money's on you."

"…I would be offended if that weren't true," Callum muttered.

"It's cool, Cal, I've got a fresh pair of underpants for you to borrow," Ezran said with confidence, flashing a thumbs-up. "Hope you like Spongebob!"

"I'm not gonna need it, okay? I've got this." Callum said, waving him away. "In fact, I've thought of a great plan: Flash, Woof, Whoosh-"

"No," Rayla interrupted, crossing her arms.

"But-"

"NO. Stop. Shut the fuck up. We are not doing that. It's dumb. You're dumb."

"Look, we need a plan to use against the monsters-"

"Our plan is to let whatever the fuck monster we find eat _you_ first."

"I'm sure not everyone-"

"All in favor say-"

"Alright, forget it, let's just fucking go!" Callum hunched over sulkily and turned to leave.

"You're such a fool," Rayla sighed, then blinked. "…Wait a second. _Fool_!" She grabbed Callum by the shoulders and spun him around to face her. "Callum! You're a fool!"

"Okay, if you guys don't stop being mean to me I'm just going to leave and go by myself up the terrifying mountain-"

"No, Callum! It's the second half of the lightning spell: _Fulminis_! That's the Draconic word for lightning!"

"…It's the trigger word for the spell!" Callum gasped, realization dawning on his face. He pulled out the Primal Stone and grinned triumphantly. "Which means I can use the lightning spell! _Ha_! Take that, bitches! You _need_ me now!" Rayla stared at him for a beat, then snatched the Stone and chucked it away. Then everyone turned and walked off. "…I will zap _all_ of you."

-Meanwhile-

Back at the castle of Katolis, Lord Viren walked down the stone steps into the dungeon, balancing a tray of food in one hand. Traveling the dark corridors, he arrived at a cell and pushed the door open. Inside was Runaan, chained to the wall, shirtless, his bare skin glistening in the soft glow of several scented candles-

"Okay, what the fuck is this?"

"I have no idea," Runaan sniffed, flicking hair out of his face. "Your daughter set it up, said something about finding you a new boyfriend now that your old one is dead." He gestured to the fuzzy pink handcuffs around his wrists. "Also, I think I'm allergic to these. Can I get some normal iron chains or something?"

"I am going to have to have a talk with that girl," Viren sighed, kneeling in front of the prisoner and placing the tray on the ground. "Now, on to more important matters. You have to eat or you'll starve. I went out of my way to acquire some rare Xadian fruits for you." He picked up a weird purple fruit and held it out for the Elf, who turned away. "No? Not hungry?" He paused. "…Here comes the choo-choo train!" Runaan stared at him, deadpan. "Huh. That always worked with Soren. Even now, actually. Which is kind of weird now that I think about it." He shrugged and took a bite of the fruit, then immediately gagged. "Oh dear GOD what IS that it's DISGUSTING-" Runaan started to laugh. Still gagging, Viren fumbled for the cup of berry juice, chugging it down, then instantly spat it out in disgust, retching. " _Hhoooooogghh_ that's even WORSE what the FUCK-" Runaan laughed harder. Viren grabbed the chamber pot and vomited in it for several long moments, then weakly crawled back over. "…Ready to talk yet?" he whispered raggedly.

Runaan doubled over laughing, struggling to breathe.

"Alright. Seriously. Let's talk," Viren said, sitting up, "one ten to another."

"I'm an eleven, but go on."

"I have a proposition-"

"I am not having sex with you."

"NOT THAT KIND OF PROPOSITION." Viren glared at him venomously. "I simply want you to look at something and tell me what you think."

"Hmm…" Runaan narrowed his eyes, studying him closely. "Well, your jacket looks cheap and therefore makes _you_ look cheap, your pants are SO last year and fail to hid your bulbous thighs, and your shoes make your ankles look fat. All in all, a hideous outfit."

"…My shoes bring my whole outfit together you son of a bitch!" Viren burst out before he could calm himself. "I didn't mean my _clothes_. I require your comment on another matter. I will set you free if you agree to do this. What do you say?"

"I am already dead," the Elf intoned, looking away from him. Viren huffed, gathering the food tray before standing up.

"Yes, I've heard of this…some Moonshadow Elf thing where you believe that you are already dead, so you do not fear death. Well, that's easy. I simply have to find something that you fear more than death." He glared down Runaan, the air thick with menace and- " _Hurk_!" Runaan snorted as he started dry-heaving again. "Want me to make you wear this outfit?!" Runaan stopped, turning pale.

Viren spun on his heel and marched haughtily out of the cell, slamming the door closed and heading towards the stairs. He passed by Gren, the freckled man still chained up against the other wall. He perked up as Viren walked by.

"Ah! Excuse me, Garcon? Is that the meal I ordered? I'm so very hung- where are you going? Garcon? Garcon?"

Viren ignored him, stomping up the stairs and closing the door behind them. Gren stood in the darkness for a long moment.

"…I just soiled my pants again."

-Back With the Kids-

Callum, Ezran, Rayla and Ellis had entered a dark plateau littered with dead stumps, a layer of mist curling on the ground at their feet. Ezran was using Bait as a handy flashlight to light the way when he started flickering and went dim.

"Uh, oh. Looks like I need to change the batteries." Ezran pulled out a tart and popped it into the toad's mouth, which immediately brightened. "There we go, we're good for another hour."

"Okay, I want a refund," Callum said suddenly. "This is the _worst_ haunted house I've ever been to. We haven't seen any monsters or anything. This isn't scary at all-" He turned to see Ellis sharpening the hacksaw on Ava's teeth. "On second thought this is plenty scary I think I might need Spongebob after all EZRAN-"

" _EEEEEEK_!" Ellis' sudden scream cut through the air like a knife.

" _Oh Jesus Christ what where is it_ -"

"There's a huge dead thing over there!" she cried, pointing.

"…If it's dead then why did you _scream_?!" Callum exploded. "Now I _definitely_ need Spongebob!"

"Sorry, I got excited." She shrugged. "It's a girl thing."

"No it's not," Rayla said.

"Ooh, look, _berries_!" Callum cried.

" _EEEEEEK_!" Rayla let out an excited shriek, then stopped and glared at him. "…Shut the fuck up."

The group cautiously approached the shadowy lump, finding a large dead beast lying on its side. Ava immediately began chewing on a leg.

"Wait, why would you be excited about a big dead thing?" Ezran asked as he walked up to the corpse and poked it with a finger.

"Hey, stop that!" Callum cried. "Don't touch it! What is wrong with you? Here." He handed him a stick. "Go crazy."

"Yaaay!" Ezran cheered and started poking at the corpse, letting off a swarm of flies.

"That is some A+ parenting right there," Rayla snorted.

"Well maybe if you'd do your share of the work and set some boundaries we wouldn't be having this trouble-"

"Hey, look!" Ezran interrupted them. "It's got a big bite mark on it." He pointed to a large, gaping hole in the beast's side.

"You're right," Rayla said, studying the wound. "Something's _drained_ all of its blood." She looked around suspiciously. "But what could possibly have-"

" _EEEEEEEEK_!"

" _Holy fuck what is it this time_ -"

"Oh my God, do you think it could have been Edward Cullen?" Ellis gushed excitedly. "He's such a babe! I hope he bites me and I become his vampire wifey-"

"If this bitch does not stop screaming I am going to run out of fucking underwear," Callum stated.

"It's okay, I have Power Rangers, too," Ezran told him.

"Wow, Robert Patterson has _really_ let himself go," Ellis said, and the others turned just in time to see a huge leech monster rising up from behind the rotting corpse.

"…Does anyone have a huge bag of salt?" Callum asked calmly. The leech screeched at them, revealing a circular mouth filled with sharp teeth. Callum screeched right back.

"Huh, guess it's not just a girl thing," Ellis commented.

They all slowly backed up as the leech slithered closer, hissing.

"Come on you guys," Callum begged desperately. "The plan! It's time for the plan!"

"How did it go again?" Rayla asked. "Oh, right. Trip you and leave you as bait." She turned, kicked his ankle, and ran off with the others.

"THAT WAS _NOT_ THE PLAN!" Callum hobbled back to his feet and stumbled away. Ellis came up beside him astride Ava.

"Quick, hop on my puppy! She'll get us out of here!" Ava punctuated this with a vicious snap. "…I can't guarantee it'll be in one piece, though!"

"Yeah no thanks I think I'll take my chances with the killer leech monster-"

"Alright, fine! You leave me no choice." Ellis pulled out a bottle of barbecue sauce and squirted him on the back. "Get him, Ava!" The wolf howled and went nuts, chasing Callum up onto some large boulders. Callum screamed in terror as Ava tackled him, tearing at the back of his jacket in a frenzy. "There, we're safe! You're welcome!"

Meanwhile, Rayla and Ezran had found a towering, ancient tree and scrambled up the stump to the safety of the high branches. The leech huffed in annoyance, then took out a magazine and settled down to wait.

"Oh, great! What now?" Rayla grumbled. "Hopefully it'll lose interest-" The leech took out a dozen more magazines. "What does this thing have a fucking _subscription_?! Whatever. We'll just have to wait it out."

"Do you think it'll let me borrow one?" Ezran asked. "I'm bored already."

"I hope Callum is okay." Rayla paused as his anguished screams echoed over the distance. "…Well at least we know he's still _alive_."

"Here, let's try to communicate with them using Morse code. Bait can be the light!" Ezran stepped forward and held up Bait. "S…O…S…bring…snacks-"

"This is gonna be a long fucking wait."

-Back at the Castle-

Lord Viren slowly dragged the ornate mirror, covered with a cloth, through the dark hallways of the dungeon, grunting and straining under the weight. Gren spoke up over the unholy screeching to offer advice.

"Oh, watch out for that corner, you don't want to get caught up on it. Move it more to the left, the _left_ , there you go. No, no, you have to lift with your _legs_ , not your back! You have to be more careful or you'll throw it out, especially at your age-" The screech cut off as Viren suddenly straightened to give him a murderous glare. Gren wisely shut up. Viren bent back to his work and dragged the mirror the rest of the way into Runaan's cell. "…Also you could have used a dolly," Gren added. Viren slammed the door shut with emphasis.

"…Christ, maybe I should have listened to him, I think I _did_ throw my back out." Viren grimaced and knuckled the small of his back, then turned to glare at Runaan, still chained against the wall. "Alright, Elf. I'm going to uncover this, and then you're going to tell me everything you know about it. And, just in case you don't feel like talking, I've brought you some… _motivation_." He pulled out his purse, sprinkling coins on the ground at his feet.

"What, are you trying to make it rain? I'm not a damn stripper." Runaan sniffed in affront. "At least, not for this amount."

"What? No! That's not what I-"

"Also I have some rules. No touching, no sniffing, no dirty old men- I guess that means you're out-"

"Fucking forget it! _Christ_!" Viren bent to pick up the coins. "Gahh! My back!"

"Told you!" Gren called from the hallway.

" _EVERYONE SHUT THE FUCK UP_!"

-With the Kids-

Still stuck up the tree, Rayla sat next to Ezran, who held the Dragon Brat's egg in his lap, its light dim and weak.

"I'm a horrible mother," he said quietly. "Social Services is totally going to take away my baby."

"Give yourself a break," Rayla told him. " _Everyone_ screws up sometimes." She paused. "Or all the time, like me."

"What are you talking about?" Ezran frowned in confusion.

"Oh, come on." She started counting on her fingers. "I screwed up our group's arrival, I screwed up your assassination, I screwed up the catch and lost us the big game-"

"Don't say that!" He cut her off impatiently. " _I_ think you're awesome."

"Aww. Thanks, Ezran." Rayla gave him a shy smile and they went for a hug-

"Ow! My eye!"

"Godammit I screwed up again! SEE?!"

Over on the giant boulders, Callum kept looking over at the other pair in the tree, fidgeting nervously.

"Do you think they're talking about me over there?" he whispered aloud, still twitching. "Oh GOD what if Ezran's telling her a bunch of embarrassing stories about me? I bet his is! There's no way he wouldn't! _Hey, shut up over there_!"

"What is he talking about?" Rayla asked, confused.

"No idea," Ezran said, "but one time Callum-"

" _You'd better not be telling her about the time I pooped my pants on accident because I felt like I had to fart and pushed too hard_!" Callum shouted. His voice echoed across the gap. There was an awkward silence.

"I didn't," Ezran called back, "but _you_ just did!"

" _Son of a_ -"

"Wow! I can't believe you're a wizard!" Ellis interrupted, squealing excitedly. "Do you know Harry Potter? _EEEEEE_! He's so dreamy! I ship him with Draco! _EEEEE_! Want to read some of my fanfiction-"

"Okay you know what the giant leech can just suck all my blood out I'll be _so_ much happier." Callum started climbing down the rocks but Ava lunged forward and bit his sleeve, dragging him back up and shaking him like a doll. "Godammit, Rayla and Ez better be just as miserable as- bitch are they _hugging_?"

Rayla and Ezran stared up at the brilliant night sky as they continued their deep discussion.

"The morning we arrived at your castle," Rayla began, "a Human guard spotted us. I was supposed to chase him down and stop him…and then shit got _really_ weird. Anyway, I ended up letting him go." She paused. "Also getting a restraining order. I still don't know why I didn't kill him."

"Because you felt for him," Ezran answered her solemnly. "You saw that he was a person, just like you." He paused. "Only male. And Human."

"And perverted, don't forget perverted," Rayla added, then sighed. "…I can't believe I'm an assassin that's never assassinated anything."

"That's not true!" Ezran protested. "You've killed any chance of Ezran having children with all the nut punches! Anyway, I'm glad you didn't kill me."

"Me too," Rayla chuckled. "You're definitely worth losing a hand for."

"…How about Callum?"

"I'd lose a hand just to forget I ever _met_ him."

" _Burn_." They high-fived, then went in for another hug- "Ow! My other eye!"

"Son of a bitch!"

Over on the rocks, Callum had pulled out the Primal Stone and was showing it to Ellis.

"Look, I'm not a damn wizard, okay? I have to use this as the source of my power. Otherwise…I'm just a loser." Ellis stared at him blankly. "A Muggle. I'm a fucking Muggle, okay?"

"Oh, come on!" Ellis said doubtfully. "You mean to tell me that just _anyone_ can use it and do magic?"

"…Pretty much yeah."

"Oh. Okay." She stared at him for a long moment. "…Want to go look over the edge for me for no apparent reason? And make sure you lean waaaay over, and _don't_ look behind you, even if you hear someone approaching-"

"I'm not going to let you kill me so you can steal the Stone, kid."

" _Whaaaaat_? Kill you? I would never do that!" She gazed up at him innocently, batting her eyelashes. "Want to rub the rest of this barbecue sauce all over your body and go pet my wolfie?"

"Oh my God I'll draw you some Drarry fanart if you knock it off."

" _EEEEEEEE_!"

"And stop FUCKING squealing!"

"Hey, you guys!" Rayla called over, her voice echoing. "I think that giant leech thing might be gone!"

"What makes you so sure?" Callum called back.

"Well, Ez is down on the ground and he hasn't been horribly devoured yet-"

"He's WHAT?!" Callum threw himself down the rocks in a blind panic, landing in an untidy heap. He sat up, searching frantically for his brother. "Ez? Ezran?! Oh my God where is he we have to find him before he becomes leech poo-" He cut off at the sound of giggling and slowly looked up to see Ezran and Rayla sitting up in the tree, waving at him merrily. "…You weren't sure at all, were you?"

"Nope. Nice job, though." Rayla grinned at him, and she and Ezran climbed down, Ellis and Ava joining them as well. They all regrouped on the ground, looking around for any sign of the beast.

"Alright, it looks like that stupid thing is actually gone," Rayla said finally.

"Ugh, good riddance. That giant leech can suck my-"

"Callum!" Rayla cut him off, glaring at him. " _Children_."

"I was gonna say blood!" he protested.

"Sure you were."

"…I thought he was going to say _dick_."

"EZRAN."

"Look, can we just maybe NOT joke about the giant killer leech thing?" Rayla went on. "There's something called _irony_. It's where just as you say one thing, the opposite happens."

"Okay." Callum stared at her. "I sure hope you punch me in the face."

She decked him.

"OW Rayla what the FUCK-"

"You asked me to do it!"

"I was being _ironic_! I wanted you to kiss me or something!"

The giant leech loomed up from the shadows behind them and screeched menacingly.

"Okay. That. You see that?" Rayla said, pointing. " _That's_ irony."

" _Ohhhh_." The others stood there for a second, then screamed and scattered in all directions. The leech lunged for Rayla, who dodged nimbly out of the way.

"Hey, what the hell?" she cried. "Going after the Elf? This leech is _racist_!" The leech hesitated, then went for Ezran.

"Uhh, _hello_?" He gestured to himself. The leech rolled its eyes and went for Ellis.

"I'm just a little girl!" Ellis shouted. "What are you, sexist?" The leech just sat there, then looked at Callum. He stared back blankly.

"…Yeah I got nothing."

The leech shrieked at him and lunged. Callum screamed back just as piercingly and dashed away.

"Come on, you guys!" he begged as he ran. "Let's at least just _try_ the plan! _Please_?"

"Ugh, alright, fine," Rayla huffed, crossing her arms. "How does it go again?"

"Flash it first, Ezran!" Callum pointed at his brother, who promptly pulled down his pants and mooned the leech. It reared back in shock. "…Okay I guess that works. Now, Ellis, you distract it!" Ellis nodded and ran up to the leech.

"Hi! Who are you? What's your name? Wanna pet my doggy? Do you like fanfiction? Want to read some with me? _EEEEEEE_!" The leech flinched at the incredibly annoying onslaught and began to retreat.

"Good job!" Callum cried. "…Actually, a little too good, shut the fuck up. You're, like, super annoying. Now, it's my turn!" He reached into his pocket to pull out- "Hey, what the fuck? Where's my Primal Stone?!"

"Yeah, sorry, I stole it," Ellis said, holding the Stone. "Am I a wizard now?"

"Oh my GOD- alright, whatever, FINE! We'll skip that part. Rayla, you're up! Slash!"

"Okay!" Rayla took a deep breath and pulled out her knife, holding it in her good hand. "I can do this…I can do this…" She ran towards the leech, raised her knife, and-

Immediately tripped and fell on her face.

"…Wow, she was right. She _does_ screw up a lot."

" _Ezran_!"

"Godammit, you guys! Why does this always-" Rayla rolled over just as the leech lunged forward, stabbing itself on her upraised knife. Rayla stared at the others in disbelief. "…I don't care I'm still counting it. Score one for me- don't you fucking look at me like that! I need this, don't ruin it for me!" Dozens of baby leeches suddenly squirmed out of the larger corpse, crawling all over her. "…Okay ruin it for me, I don't care anymore, RUIN IT! Get these things off of me!"

"Don't worry, I got this!" Ellis approached with Ava, who snarled hungrily, slobber dripping from her jaws. "Okay, girl! Go on, eat up! Alright now, Rayla, just lay _reaaaally_ still-"

"RAFF RAFF RAFF!"

" _Eeeeeek_!"

-In the Dungeon-

Lord Viren strode into the cell, glaring at Runaan, who sat against the wall, his bare skin gleaming in the candlelight, hair sexily mussed-

"Okay what the FUCK this is some BULLSHIT you've been chained up for how long and you still look like that? I can't believe Claudia went to all the trouble to schedule you a spa treatment-"

"Oh, no, she didn't," Runaan stated. "I just look like this."

"…Really?" He blinked. "Well that's just not fucking _fair_. What kind of shampoo do you use- no, nevermind!" Viren cleared his throat and began. "I believe I've given you enough time to think my deal over. Now, tell me what you know about this relic, or I will seal your fate!" He unveiled the mirror with a flick of his wrist. Runaan gasped in horror, going pale. "Oh my God, what? _What is it_?!"

"Is…is my fucking HORN broken? I'm gonna have to _super-glue_ that bitch back on there!"

"I don't give a fuck about your horn! _Talk_!"

"That was my favorite fucking horn! It curved just right-"

" _Enough! Just tell me what the fucking mirror is_!"

"Alright, I'll tell you." Runaan glared up at him, defeated. "Come closer, and I'll whisper it into your ear." Viren crouched eagerly beside him, leaning in close to hear- " _Biiiiiiitch_." Viren just sat there for a long moment, then started chanting a dark spell.

Outside the cell, Gren whistled aimlessly to himself. The sounds of anguished screams suddenly cut through the air. He broke into a sweat and started whistling louder. Several minutes later, the screams cut off and Lord Viren slowly emerged from the cell, cloaked in shadow, his eyes glowing eerily in the dark. He entered the torchlight, revealing his skin, a ruined landscape of cracked gray and black. Gren gasped at the sight of him, visibly appalled.

"Good GOD, man! …Learn to _exfoliate_!"

Viren gave a ghastly smile and lifted up a small gold coin. Runaan could be seen trapped inside, struggling and shouting.

"I can't decide what I'm going to use him for…M&M's, or Skittles?" Viren paused, considering. "You know what? I think I'm just gonna fuck with him and buy a _tampon_."

-With the Kids-

Back at the Cursed Caldera, the group of unsupervised children continued their way through the black, twisted trees in the dead of night. Ellis suddenly let out a piercing squeal.

"I swear to GOD if there's another killer monster out there we are _feeding_ you to it-"

"No, silly! Look up there! _That's_ the tree!" She pointed to a lone tree sticking up on the mountainside.

"We made it! Alright!" Callum cheered, throwing his hands up. "We can DO this, guys! We are gonna make it up there and then we're gonna find the healer and save the egg and win the game and go on to Nationals-"

"Wait hold on what?" Rayla blinked in confusion.

"Rayla, you're on the bench for fumbling the ball in the last play-"

"Hey, fuck you!"

"You guys…wait. I have really bad news," Ezran said soberly, stepping in front of them.

"Listen, Ez, it's okay if you peed your pants," Callum said gently. "None of us will make fun of you." He paused. "Except maybe years from now when I want to embarrass you as an adult-"

"Oh please, like you didn't piss your pants earlier with the giant leech," Rayla snapped at him. "You're one to talk."

"Godammit, I didn't think you could _smell_ it through my overwhelming puberty-induced BO-"

"Even if we make it up there, it doesn't matter," Ezran went on, interrupting them. "There IS no miracle healer." They all gasped and stared at him in stunned disbelief.

"…Well not with _that_ attitude there isn't!"

-Episode 8 End-


	9. Episode 9: Underwhelming Storm

The Dragon Brat

Episode 9

Underwhelming Storm

"What do you mean, 'there's no miracle healer'?" Callum demanded, crossing his arms and scowling down at Ezran, who stood in front of him and the others. "Explain!"

"Well," Ezran began, "Ava told me-"

"Ava? _Ava_ told you? The psycho fucking wolf?" Callum scoffed. "What'd she do, bark in Morse code?"

"Look, I can understand animals, okay?" Ezran insisted.

"Really?" Ellis' eyes lit up. "What's my doggy saying to me right now?"

" _I want to eat your face off_!" Ava snarled hungrily.

"Uhh…she says she loves you."

" _Yaaaaaay_!"

"Dammit, I knew this girl was crazy, I didn't know it was _catching_!" Callum muttered under his breath. "Was it the rabid wolf? Did the wolf bite you? No wait who am I kidding it was probably ELLIS-"

"I'm not crazy!" Ezran protested. He looked away and sighed in frustration. "I knew you wouldn't believe me."

" _I_ believe you, Ezran," Rayla said gently, kneeling next to him. "Though it _does_ sound pretty wild-"

"I knew we should've quarantined this bitch-"

"Callum shut up before I quarantine YOU."

"I've always been different from other kids," Ezran began to explain. "It's hard for me make friends…mostly because I take all the other kids' snacks as a Friend Tax."

"…I told dad not to teach you shit like that," Callum grumbled. "Stupid dad and his Dad Tax always eating my _fucking pudding_ -"

"Callum I am serious shut up."

"My _pudding_ , Rayla!"

"Anyway," Ezran continued, "I just don't fit in. But with animals, I have this… _connection_ with them, and a few years ago, I realized I could understand what they were saying." He grinned. "Where did you think I learned all those naughty words?" Callum froze.

"…Son of a bitch! I knew it wasn't me! Dad was SO wrong! I'll bet it was that mean-looking horse in the stables. You know. The black one." He paused awkwardly. "…That came out wrong. I'm not racist, I swear, my best friend is a horse-"

"Oh, goodness no, it was Bait," Ezran stated. Bait grunted beside him and he gasped. "That is the _filthiest_ word I've ever heard." He paused. "I will retain it for future use."

"Tell me, tell me!" Ellis piped up excitedly.

" _Hey_ ," Rayla cut in, glaring at the frog. "I will put you in timeout."

"Oh, c'mon!" Callum cried in outrage. "You guys don't _actually_ believe him, do you?"

"Why would he lie?" Rayla asked.

"Because one time he told everyone in the castle that I was secretly a girl and everyone called me Princess for a month."

Rayla snorted.

"In my defense," Ezran said, "it was very believable."

"Ahaha, I get it, cuz I have no shoulders and a girlish physique- I had dudes hitting on me for _weeks_!" Callum exploded. "One of them told me I had pretty eyes!" He paused for a long moment. "…He was a nice guy. Knew how to treat me like a lady. But the _other_ dudes were all entitled pigs, one of them even _whistled_ at me when I walked by! Men are SO-"

"Can we please get back on topic?"

"Okay, fine!" Callum threw his hands up. "Tell the truth, Ez. We've been through this before." He saw the others confused looks. "He told me this once already. Said that raccoons had told him that there was a treasure behind a waterfall, and when I went to go check, all I found was a big ol' pile of raccoon shit. I was elbow deep in the stuff for an hour." Ezran opened his mouth. "Don't you DARE tell me the treasure was inside me all along-"

"No, those raccoons were just jerks," Ezran answered bluntly. "They stole all my tarts, too." He paused. "And my wallet." He paused again. "I think they went to Mexico."

"This is ridiculous!" Callum cried. " _You're_ ridiculous! God! No wonder you can't make any friends!" Rayla slowly stood up and began to advance, glaring and cracking her knuckles dangerously. "…Okay I take it back you made a friend I'm sorry you made a friend!"

-With Soren and Claudia-

Claudia and Soren, meanwhile, were riding through the forest in the dead of night, steadily approaching a large mountain that loomed in the distance.

"Mount Kalik, the tallest mountain in all of Katolis," Soren supplied, gesturing at the distant mount. "You might say it's…the ka- _tallest_."

"… _Pffft_!" Claudia busted up laughing at the lame joke.

"Thank you, thank you." Soren bowed his head. "Now, let's hurry-"

"Ahahaha! Ka-TALLEST!" Claudia doubled over, clutching her stomach.

"Yes, I know. Come on, we need to-"

"Ahaha- * _snort*_ \- HAAAAAAAAAAAA!" She fell off her horse, legs kicking wildly. Soren just sat there while she rolled around, cackling.

"…Claudia it wasn't that funny."

"Oh God, I think I _peed_ a little!"

"CLAUD-"

" _Ahahaaaa_ \- I don't get it."

"Yeah okay I'm done." Soren rolled his eyes and nudged his mount forwards. Claudia crawled back onto her horse and hurried to catch up. "So, you DO have everything you need for your weird spell, right?" He asked, glancing back at her. "Because I'm not climbing all the fucking way up this mountain only to find out that you forgot something like toad oil or fairy wings or some shit." He paused. "Also, pads. You got pads? How bout toilet paper? We good to go? Should I run to the nearest Seven Eleven, get some snacks?"

"It's fine, I have everything," Claudia told him, listing off the ingredients. "I've got that braid of hair, the jar of fireflies, salt and pepper-"

"Okay, sounds goo- wait what were those last two?"

"Nothing!" She hurriedly put away the cannibal cookbook and changed the subject.

-Back With the Kids-

Back on the mountain, the kids continued their climb up the steep slope. Callum groaned, dragging his legs one after another.

"God, this is _exhausting_ ," he whined. "The only thing keeping me energized is the spectacular view."

"You mean the moon above us?" Rayla asked, gesturing up at the night sky, where a luminous full moon hung amidst the stars.

"…Uh-huh sure." Callum said. "That nice, round, _perky_ full moon-"

"Okay that's it you're walking in front of me from now on." Rayla pulled out her knife and prodded him forward.

"I was talking about the _mooooon_ -"

"Sure you fucking were. MARCH."

" _OooooOOOOOOooooohhhh_ …"

A creepy, disembodied voice suddenly moaned out of the darkness, the sound echoing through the trees. Ellis stopped, looking around nervously.

"Did anyone else hear that?" she whimpered.

"Nope." Rayla kept right on walking, fingers in her ears. "Can't hear a thing. Keep walking."

A shadow moved behind a tree and Callum choked out a gasp.

"Did anyone else see that?!" he cried.

"Nope." Now Rayla had her hands covering her face. "Got my eyes closed, didn't see a thing. Keep. _Walking_."

"Does anybody else _smell_ that?"

"Nope, I didn't- _eww_! Ezran!" Rayla gagged and pinched her nostrils shut. Ezran giggled, then stopped when another moan cut in.

"What if it's someone who needs help?" he asked with concern. Rayla smiled at him.

"Ez, you have a good heart," she said gently, placing a hand on his shoulder. Ezran beamed up at her. "…Which is exactly why you would die first if this was a horror film."

"…Not because I'm black?"

"Well I didn't want to be the first one to say it-"

"They won't hurt me, right?" Ellis asked worriedly. "I'm too cute!"

"Girl, you would BE the killer," Callum stated. "You have the hacksaw and everything-"

There was another moan, louder this time. Ezran looked up at Rayla, pleading.

"Ugh, okay, fine! I'll go check. You guys stay here and make sure Callum doesn't do anything stupid." Rayla sighed and headed towards the trees.

"Me? _Stupid_? That is SO rude." Callum sniffed in affront. "Here, kiddos, we should be prepared for the dark. Have some matches. Take the whole box."

-With Rayla-

Rayla slowly crept through the web-covered trees, her daggers out and ready for any potential threat that might leap at her from the surrounding darkness.

" _OooooooOOOOOOooooohhhh_ …"

She followed the sound of moaning, which were increasing in volume as she drew closer. Rounding a tree, she froze as she came face-to-face with a figure cocooned in spider webs, hanging from the branches. She screamed-

"Oh _, wow_! Is this one of those piñata things that Bear Grylls wannabe was talking about? Sweet!"

…in _delight_.

She whipped out a bat and started whacking the shit outta the figure, which groaned in pain and-

"Harder, daddy!"

"WHY'S IT ALWAYS GOTTA BE ME, HUH?!" Rayla screamed aloud, dropping the bat in disgust. "Why do _I_ always find the fucking creeps?!"

"Why'd you stop? I didn't say the safe word," the figure answered, voice muffled by the webbing. "Also, don't kink-shame me. I'm into bondage."

"…Then why are you covered in spider webs?" Rayla pointed out.

"I'm also into bestiality-"

"Holy _fuck_ okay that's it now I'm _definitely_ out of here-"

"No wait, please!" the figure begged. "We got a little carried away. Uh… cupcake!" Rayla stared.

"…Did you just call me a fucking cupcake?"

"No, no. The safe word is 'cupcake'."

"…Now I'm wishing you'd just called me cupcake." Rayla shuddered. "Anyway, no, I'm not cutting you free, and there's no WAY I'm ever going to-"

"Okay, you know what? You got me. I'm a fucking piñata. I'm filled with candy."

" _Candy_!" Leaning forward, Rayla sliced open the mummy with a quick slash of her dagger. A cloud of dust poured out of the empty shell, billowing around her. She gasped aloud-

"* _GAK_!*"

And immediately got a lung-full of nasty mummy dust.

" _Bleeech_!" Rayla turned away, choking and spitting. "Oh my God fucking gross! Cupcake! _CUPCAAAAKE_!"

-Back With the Others-

"Alright, now here are your knives, freshly sharpened. Go on and try them- oh no wait she's back." Callum and the kids looked up as Rayla came running over, screaming at the top of her lungs. She snatched up the water bag, gargled for a solid minute, then spat it out in Callum's face.

"…Was that really necessary?" he asked.

She pointed up the mountain, her expression murderous.

"WALK."

Callum turned on his heel and obediently began walking up the mountain, the others right behind. After several minutes of silence, he cautiously sidled up next to Rayla and cleared his throat, opening his mouth to speak.

"I choked on perverted pinata's dead remains," she cut him off.

Callum snapped his mouth shut, locked his gaze ahead, and walked faster.

A few minutes later, Ezran stopped in his tracks, cocking his head as he heard some strange noises from the shadows. Curious, he approached the trees, peering into the darkness to see-

"AAAAAAAAA! Oh dear God, what IS that thing?! It's hideous! Get it away from-"

"Ezran what the hell it's ME." Callum stood there, hands on his belt. "I stopped for a pee." He paused. "Also, hurtful."

"Sorry, I'm jumpy." Ezran took his hand ("Oh ew gross did you _wash_ -" "I wiped them on some leaves shut up.") and they hurried to catch up with the others.

"We can always turn back," Ellis said to the others. Callum shook his head.

"No, we can't. The egg doesn't have time." He paused. "Also I forgot the way back." He paused again. "Just to let you know we're all _fucked_."

"Yeah we already knew that, being with you," Rayla snorted.

"Oh, ha HA. Very funny."

"Come ON, you guys, we can DO this!" Ezran cheered. "Nothing will stop us! Not unless something physically bars our way!" They all suddenly stopped short, a huge spider web blocking their path. "…You know. Like this." He paused. "Is this that irony thing again?"

"You're learning," Rayla congratulated, patting him on the head.

"Can you cut through it with your daggers?" Callum asked.

"Are you kidding me? I just polished these bitches!"

"Okay, fine. Here kids! You get the knives after all-"

"Alright, alright! I'll do it! _Christ_." Rayla grumbled to herself, pulling out her daggers and slicing through the web. "Everyone stay close, and be careful not to touch them."

"Can I lick them?"

"Can you- what? No, Ezran. What the hell. Why would you _lick_ them?"

"They look like cotton candy."

"Oh my God NO. This is NOT cotton candy. Do NOT-" Callum looked up to find Ellis already had her mouth stuffed full. "…I'm not even mad it'll shut her up."

They ventured further, Rayla swearing under her breath as she chopped through the thickening webs.

"Well, I guess I can't really complain, at least it's just webs and not-"

A giant spider dropped from the trees and landed in front of them, screeching at them with huge, dripping fangs.

"…Irony again?" Callum asked.

"Yyyyup."

"Ewww, gross!" Ellis shrieked. "Squish it, Callum!"

"My boots aren't big enough for that thing!" Callum cried, shrinking away.

"No, don't hurt it!" Ezran protested. "Just get it in a cup and put it somewhere else-"

" _Ezran are you fucking kidding me_ -"

"It's a living _thing_!"

"WE won't be living for much longer!" Callum pulled out the Primal Stone and held it aloft. "Alright, time for this bug to get zapped! _Fulminus_!" He drew the sigil in the air and blasted the spider away.

"Technically, spiders aren't bugs, they're _arachnids_ -" Ezran began, holding a book on insects. A stream of webbing shot out and snatched it away. "Hey!" The spider dropped down again, screeching hungrily. "You can keep it." They all turned and ran to hide behind some trees.

"How are we going to get past that thing?!" Rayla hissed. "And even if we can, we might get caught in a web! And you _don't_ want to know what happens when you get caught in one of those-"

"Ooh, ooh, I know! The spider sucks out all your bodily juices and leaves you hanging by a thread, trapped in a never-ending suspended animation of horrible agony between life and death!"

There was an awkward pause.

"…I need to stop getting you books," Callum muttered.

-Meanwhile-

Soren and Claudia continued their horseback ride through the darkened forest, still heading towards the mountain.

"Hey, can we find a place to pull over?" Soren spoke up. "I need to start stretching if we're going to be climbing a mountain. I don't want to pull a hammy- BLECK!" He suddenly gagged, pinching his nostrils closed. "Gross! Claudia, I think your horse just-"

"Wasn't the hoooorse," she sang, grinning back at him.

"…I was gonna say 'shit itself'-"

"…Wasn't the hoooorse…"

"You should probably get that checked out."

-Back With the Others-

Callum, Ezran, Rayla and Ellis all cowered behind the trees, too afraid to confront the giant spider that blocked their path.

"What are we going to do?" Callum whispered. "How are we going to get by it?" He paused. "Hold on, do you have any more of that barbecue sauce, Ellis? Spray that bitch and let nature take its course-"

"Gross, NO!" Ellis made a face. "My sweet baby Ava would never stoop to eating such a disgusting-"

"She's eating a dead, maggoty squirrel right now."

"You guys, it's fine," Ezran interrupted, smiling confidently. "We can just walk right by the spider."

"Walk right BY?" Callum gaped at his brother in disbelief, then whipped around to glare at Rayla. "Have you been sneaking him more berry juice? I don't care how cute he is, he needs to get _sober_ -"

"I'm not drunk!" Ezran insisted. "Look!" He stood on one leg and recited the alphabet backwards. "…C, B, A! There, see? I'm clean. Anyway, all those noises it's making? That not how spiders talk. That spider's not real! It's a _fake_!"

"Yeah, sure, uh-huh. And how DO spiders talk?" Callum asked sarcastically.

"Well, first of all, they have a British accent, and secondly-"

"Okay nevermind he's obviously on whatever fucking Ellis is." He turned his glare to the little girl. "Stop supplying him!"

"Here, I'll prove it to you." Ezran turned and started walking towards the spider. "Hey, buddy! Come eat me! I'm soft and squishy and full of red stuff! I'm a walking jelly tart!"

"Ezran no!" Callum jumped up, panicking. "Take her instead!" He snatched Ellis off of Ava and hurled her at the spider. She sailed straight through it and hit the ground with a yelp. "…Wait what."

"See?" Ezran poked at the spider, which crossed its legs and started to sulk. "It's not real. Perfectly harmless! This thing is a joke." The spider burst into tears. "Oh no, wait, its feelings are real, I am so sorry I didn't mean it-"

"You jerk, you threw me! Ava, attack!" Ellis cried. Ava was too busy yakking up the dead maggoty squirrel and eating it again to listen. "…It's okay baby I still love you."

"Wow. I can't believe it," Callum said, walking over and looking down at his brother in wonder. "You were right, Ezran. I…I owe you an apology. I'm sorry I didn't believe you."

"Ha! You were wrong. You know what that means, Callum." Ezran broke into a huge grin. "You _gotta_ do it."

"Do what?" Rayla asked, joining them.

"Practice his French kissing on Bait as punishment." Ezran picked up the toad and held him out. "Oui oui! Kiss moi!" Bait belched invitingly. Callum groaned, took a breath mint, and leaned forward.

-Later-

The group traveled further up the mountain, finally arriving at a huge tree, which stretched high into the sky, the trunk winding like a giant corkscrew.

"We're here!" Ellis cheered. "This is the tree we hid inside when the miracle healer found us!" The others followed her, crawling inside the tree through a crack and sitting down in the hollow trunk.

"…So wait were we supposed to call for an appointment first or does she take walk-ins-" Callum began after a long moment.

"I dunno." Ellis shrugged. "I showed up and then she appeared. But if we _really_ want to be sure…" She took out the old, rusty hacksaw again. "Quick, hold him down!" The others leapt on Callum, who screamed.

"NO NOT MY LEGS THEY'RE MY BEST FEATURE-" A glow from outside caught their attention. "Oh thank God! Look!"

They all quickly scrambled out to see the full moon glowing brilliantly in the night sky. A large, majestic bird flew down towards them, a figure on its back. The kids watched in awe as the bird landed in front of them and the rider, an older female Elf with white hair up in a bun, hopped off. Rayla gasped at the sight of her.

"Son of a bitch!" she cried. "We want our money back!"

"No refunds," the woman said immediately.

"What are you talking about?" Callum asked, confused.

"Ezran was right," Rayla explained. "This bitch is a fake. She can't heal anything. She's a Moon Mage, an _illusionist_!"

"Hello!" The woman smiled cheerily. "I am Lujanne, guardian of the Moon Nexus. I do birthday parties and corporate events! Here's my card." She stepped forward and waved a hand. "It's…behind your ear!" She tossed some confetti in their faces. Everyone just gaped at her in disbelief. "…Would you like me to make some balloon animals? No? I can do a pretty good Beyonce-"

"How could I have been so stupid?!" Rayla hissed to herself. "None of those monsters were real, they were all illusions!"

"Yes, they were just there to scare you," Lujanne replied. "That's how I protect the Nexus." She paused. "Also how I get my kicks. The look on your faces! HA!"

"You sick bitch-"

"So…you can't heal anything?" Ezran looked up at her. She sighed.

"Honey, I'm an illusion Mage." She shook her head sadly. "You think my ass looks this good in real life? _Please_. Things are sagging. And this majestic bird? It's a fuckin' chicken."

"…Then how did you ride-"

"I don't understand!" Ellis cried in frustration. "If you're not a healer, how did you fix my puppy's leg?" The Moon Mage stepped toward the girl and Ava went nuts, snapping at her hungrily.

"Ah, yes. I remember you. The crazy girl and her crazy wolf pup." Lujanne pulled back, frowning. "To help you, I created an illusion: a leg that others would see and feel, even though it wasn't real." She cautiously removed Ava's collar and her front leg immediately disappeared.

"What?!" Ellis shrieked.

"Also I gave you the illusion that she's a harmless puppy and she loves you."

" _WHAT_?!"

"Here, let me remove that, too." Lujanna waved her hand and Ellis sat there, blinking, then looked down at Ava.

"AAAAAA OHMIGOD WHAT AM I DOING RIDING ON THE BACK OF THIS RABID THING WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!" She threw herself off the wolf and scrambled away.

"Please." Ezran approached the Moon Mage and took off his backpack. "We need _real_ help, not illusions." He opened the front flap and took out the egg, holding it up. The Elf woman gasped.

"My word, that is the loveliest art project I've ever seen! I hope you got an A on it, you definitely deserve-"

"It's the egg of the Dragon Brat," Rayla explained. "It was stolen, but we saved it. Now…it's dying." Lujanne frowned.

"What happened to-"

"She dropped it in a lake."

"Shut the fuck up Callum before I drop you in one!"

Ignoring their squabbling, Lujanne reached out and gently touched the egg.

"Its life is fading quickly," she said. "The only chance of saving it would be to hatch it…but that won't be possible." She looked at the others, her expression somber. "Sky dragons can only be born in the eye of a storm…and the weather is clear, with a five-mile an hour westward wind. Ten percent chance of precipitation." She lowered her phone with the weather app and shook her head again. "I'm sorry."

The egg went dark in Ezran's arms.

"NO! That can't be it!" he cried. "There has to be a way to save it! I took _Lamaze_ classes!"

"This is all my fault," Rayla said, starting to cry.

"That's not true!" Callum said. She looked at him. "…I mean, yeah, you dropped him, but I'm the one who threw him so you're only, like, sixty percent at fault. Seventy-five at most." Rayla started crying harder. Ezran elbowed him in the dick.

"Rayla, don't listen to him! I think you're a hundred percent amazing!" He gave her a tight hug. They huddled together, lost in despair.

"…Hey. Wait a minute." Callum sat for a moment, thinking furiously. "The Dragon Brat can only be born in the eye of a storm…a storm!" His eyes lit up as a thought suddenly occurred.

"What?" Ezran asked, noticing Callum's change in demeanor. "What is it?"

"Huh, what?" Callum quickly schooled his face. "Nothing."

"No, you've thought of something, haven't you?"

"Nope, not a thing."

"Tell us!" Ezran stomped his foot.

"Alright you two, calm down!" Rayla stepped between the pair. "Wait…she said a storm, right? Well…isn't there a storm in the-"

Callum suddenly whipped out the Primal Stone, holding it aloft and glaring dangerously.

"…I'm zapping the first person who steps towards me."

"Oh, come ON, Callum!" Ezran begged. "We need it to save the Dragon Brat! Don't you wanna be an uncle?"

"Don't you want to be a halfway decent person, more like," Rayla muttered, then whispered to Ezran. "Distract him. I'll go for the legs."

"No! Step back, all of you!" Callum shouted, clutching the stone. "You can't take this away from me! It's the only thing I've got! Without it…what am I? Just a kid who can draw anime tiddies!"

"That's not true!" Ezran said. Callum looked at him, a grateful smile on his face. "You can also draw butts pretty good."

"I'm not doing it!" Callum said hotly. "And there's _nothing_ you can say that will change my-"

"I'll let you touch my butt," Rayla said.

"Alright, everyone stand back, I am _dunking_ this bitch!"

"Men," she snorted.

Taking a deep breath, Callum raised the Primal Stone high over his head, then brought it crashing down with all of his strength-

* _Tonk_!*

It bounced harmlessly off the ground and rolled back to his feet. Callum blinked.

"Wait wait wait, let me try again."

* _Tonk_!*

"I just…need to get the angle right."

* _Tonk_!*

"One more time-"

"Oh my God GIVE IT HERE." Rayla snatched the orb away from him. "This is physically painful to watch. Just let me do it." She raised the Stone, took a breath, then spun in place and dunked that bitch into a nearby basketball hoop, smashing it apart instantly along with Callum's fragile masculinity.

"…I softened it up for you-"

The Primal Stone exploded violently, bolts of electricity flying everywhere and powerful wind bursting out. Dark clouds billowed across the sky, rolling in as the storm enveloped them.

"Oh no, look!" Ezran gasped as the Dragon Brat's egg began to get blown away towards a steep ledge.

"I've got it!" Rayla leapt forward, flinging out an arm just in time to catch the egg-

With Callum's fishing pole.

"HA! I told you it would come in handy!" Callum threw his arms up triumphantly. "I actually packed something useful! Take THAT!"

Struggling against the powerful winds, Rayla reeled the egg back in and began trudging back towards the others, the egg clutched to her chest. Tree branches, random debris and a startled cow whipped around her as the eye of the storm opened up above them all. Lightning began to crackle along the egg's surface.

" _Yeowch_! Hey! That little brat zapped me! That's it, you're in timeout!" Rayla set the egg down and crossed her arms. "Now you sit there and think about what you did." The egg slowly rose into the air, a rainbow of colors playing along its surface as more lightning bolts converged around it. "Oh great, now he's throwing a fit." A large crack splintered the egg. "Tantrums don't work on me kid, don't even try."

The egg's light suddenly winked out and it plopped to the ground, unmoving. The thunderstorm dissipated, clouds and wind dying down.

"…See, you just have to wait it out, they tire themselves out eventually-"

"My baby!" Ezran wailed, running over to the egg.

"Yeah, sure, go undo everything I've done, spoil him rotten, see if I care-"

"Don't worry, I've got you!" Ezran picked up the Dragon Brat's egg and hugged it to his chest. "There you go, nice and safe!" With a wet crack, the egg exploded, egg whites and leftover yolk splattering Ezran head to toe and dribbling down to pool at his feet. The Dragon Brat squirmed in his arms and blinked up at him, a little blue thing with big eyes and a bristling white mane.

"…The miracle of childbirth is a beautiful thing," Callum stated in the stunned silence.

"…I'm never having a fucking kid," Rayla rasped out, her face pale.

"Ooh! Lemme see! I wanna see the baby!" Ellis ran over, squealing. Ava wandered over and immediately began lapping up the mess.

"Okay that's it I'm gonna puke."

"Alright, Rayla," Callum said. "Start nursing it."

"WHAT!" Rayla shouted at him.

"Well this old lady sure as hell isn't going to be able to with her dried up old titties-"

"WHAT!" Both Elves yelled this time.

"…I am so not prepared for this," Ezran whispered, the realization dawning on him. "I don't have any diapers or formula or anything, I haven't even called any _daycares_! No-one's gonna let me in!" The baby Dragon started licking his face and he smiled. "Huh, what's that? Your name is Azymondias?" He paused. "…Well that's a shame because I _really_ wanted to call you Jelly Tart."

"NO, then you would EAT him," Callum interrupted, then blinked. "Holy shit wait. I'm an uncle. I'm a cool one, right? I'm not creepy at all, even though I draw naked girls-"

"We'll call you Zym, for short!" Ezran brought the Dragon Brat over to Rayla and set him down. "This is your Auntie Rayla. She dropped you in a frozen lake, but she also saved you from flying off the mountain, so you're pretty much even."

"Maybe you could have left that part out-" Rayla began, then stopped when she noticed Zym chewing on her hand. "Oh, what, is he teething already? Gross, he's drooling all over my-"

* _Snap_ *!

The white bracelet snapped off of Rayla's wrist, falling to the ground. Rayla gaped at her freed hand in shock and awe.

"…Oh my God, thank you so much! I can't believe thaaaaAAAAAA FEELING FLOODING BACK INTO MY HAAAAND AAAAAA- thanks sweetie I'll babysit whenever you want!" She smiled happily and stroked Zym's head, sharing a tender moment with the baby Dragon.

"Hey, now you can still wipe your butt! Hooray!"

"…Way to ruin the moment, Ezran."

-Elsewhere-

Soren and Claudia had braved the heights of Mount Kalik and were now standing at the peak. Claudia was busy getting the ingredients ready for the tracking spell while Soren waited impatiently, shivering with his hands in his armpits.

" _Brrr_! Dammit, Clods, if I'da known it was gonna be this cold up here, I wouldn't have worn my iron codpiece! My dick is an icicle-"

"Hush, I'm working!" Claudia snapped at him. She placed Rayla's severed braid into a small bowl and set it alight. Head bowed, she started to chant a dark spell. A pair of hands slowly inched into view, warming themselves over the fire. Claudia stopped and glared at her brother.

"Tch! Fine." He took them away and jammed them back under his armpits, sulking. Claudia rolled her eyes and continued the spell, her hands beginning to glow with purple energy. With a word, she released the fireflies from the jar, which rose into the air and became a purple stream of light that shot across the night sky. The light homed in on the Princes, traveling towards the Cursed Caldera.

"There," Claudia said smugly. " _That's_ where we will find them."

"…Can you locate the nearest iHop?" Soren asked after a moment. "I'm hungry."

"Oh my GOD, Soren! Don't be ridiculous!" Claudia cried in exasperation. "…I want _tacos_. We're going to Taco Bell."

"Okay get me a Chalupa."

-Back With the Others-

Meanwhile, everyone was having fun playing with the new baby Dragon, except for Callum, who the baby had mistaken for a litter box and shit all over his pants. The others stopped laughing and gaped as the sky above them lit up purple.

"…Is this some kind of gender reveal?" Callum asked in confusion. "Because if so, what the FUCK even are you?"

The blazing light dissolved back into fireflies, which drifted slowly down around them.

"They're beautiful," Rayla said softly, awed. She held out a hand and one alighted on her finger. "Ooh, they even tickle a little- _wait a minute get your fucking hands off of me Callum_ -"

"You said I could touch your butt!" Callum cut off, frowning, and sniffed the air. "…Wait a second. Why do I smell…peanut butter?" His frown deepened. "…Also why did I just get a boner-"

Rayla slapped him.

"Well, now that the Dragon Brat is saved, we have something even more important to discuss," Lujanne said, standing up. "…My payment." The others stared at her incredulously. "I accept cash and credit cards. Also, personal checks. So, what will it be?"

"…Do you take fucks?" Callum asked. "Because sadly I'm ALL OUT at the moment."

"Hmph, _fine_ ," Lujanne sniffed irritably and crossed her arms. "I am willing to offer you a ten percent discount."

-Meanwhile…-

Back at the castle of Katolis, the diabolical Lord Viren stood atop the battlements, looking out at the purple light splitting the sky. He smiled sinisterly, his face a charred, cracked ruin.

A hand slowly rose into view and began to apply a thick layer of moisturizer to his skin.

-Episode 9 End-

Author's Note: Just to let y'all know I probably won't post any more of this series. If I do any of the other seasons, I'll do it for myself and not upload 'em cuz I take so freaking long and I feel bad lol.


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